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Dr. Gregori threw up into the sink, then inhaled the pendulous, sludgy vomit, and threw it up again. He really hadnít been feeling the May West lately. But if he informed his employers at ASCANN of his bruised skin, slack-jawed muscle deterioration and bloody vomit, he was sure they would quarantine him with the others. He looked outside at the sunny plaza, the bus stop a mere forty yards from his office window. He decided to go for it.

The Doctor opened his window, climbed out and jumped down. By this point, he felt very little pain. Pedestrians milled by in front of him, some hospital workers, some military personnel, the others merely Johannesburg residents. One woman stared straight at him. Did she notice his over-all appearance of mental deterioration? Did she see his blood-red eyes, the bleeding nipple-stains? Maybe she simply thought he was attractive. Nah. Could it be, though? There was definitely something, call it a twinkle, in her eye.

He playfully wondered if he still had the touch. It had been months since heíd seen a civilian bird, much less thought about one. Against all odds, Dr. Gregori felt a new urge, one long since dormant: to throw the oleí leg over, one last time. He decided to go for it.

Date Written: January 22, 2005
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3.6923

02/2/2005 cuntry (4): for some reason this made me think of paul bowles
02/2/2005 qualcomm: yeah, i like the third-worldliness hinted at in here. i actually wish it had gone further. in what way, i cannot say.
02/2/2005 The Rid: Interesting. I really wasn't liking this for the first graf and a half, but it picked up at " Did she see his blood-red eyes, the bleeding nipple-stains? Maybe she simply thought he was attractive." From then on I thoroughly enjoyed it. Must consider vote carefully.
02/2/2005 Ewan Snow: So, not sure if I understand the "plot" of this one. Dr. Gregori has succumbed to some sort of outbreak that has quarantined a large number of people, though the authorities don't yet realize he's infected. What does "He really hadnít been feeling the May West lately" mean? May West the busty star, the life jacket, or something else I'm not familiar with?So, not sure if I understand the backstory/setting of this one. Dr. Gregori has succumbed to some sort of outbreak that has quarantined a large number of people, though the authorities don't yet realize he's infected. Correct? What does "He really hadnít been feeling the May West lately" mean? May West the busty star, the life jacket, or something else I'm not familiar with? Does the Johannesburg location imply some particular historical outbreak?
02/2/2005 Ewan Snow: Sorry for the cutting and pasting accident below, but you get my drift.
02/2/2005 qualcomm: oh, johannesburg. i sort of skimmed that. apologies to south africans for calling them third world. they're definitely second world. isn't it "Mae" West, by the way?
02/2/2005 Ewan Snow: Yeah, I think so. But isn't what Mae West?
02/2/2005 Dylan Danko: Snow, that cutting and pasting error below wasn't a mistake and you know it. You're gonna pay for this...just you wait!
02/2/2005 qualcomm: i think he means the actress, as some kind of paradigm of feeling good.
02/2/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Dylan, feel free to 1-star me for it. As regards this short, I guess I'll give it a four. I like the odd setting and subject. It reminded me more of The Plague by Camus than of Bowles.
02/2/2005 Jon Matza: I figured Mae West was cockney rhyming slang for "the best". So qc got the right answer through faulty arithmetic: Gregori hadn't been feeling too good lately.
02/2/2005 qualcomm: ahhhh... i bet you're right
02/2/2005 Dylan Danko: Matza, QC's right. It's not slang it's a paradigm.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony (4): I like the life jacket explanation best. Is this ebola the Doctor has? I thought this was also understated somehow, but pretty good, if not hoo-hoo funny.
02/2/2005 qualcomm: hey danko, how much rhyming slang is there? like, how many new rhyming slangs get added to the lexicon each year? are they all so common that you can immediately detect whether something is an authentic piece of rhyming slang? rhyming slang.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Can somebody tell me how rhyming slang is not lame?
02/2/2005 Ewan Snow: You mean, how it's not fortune and fame?
02/2/2005 Ewan Snow: But, no. Like all institutionalized jokes, it sucks.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: I rest my chain mail armor and +3 mace.
02/2/2005 Litcube (4): I really liked this.
02/2/2005 Dylan Danko: Snow, there's nothing funny about rhyming slang. It's a very serious form of flogging the horse.
02/2/2005 Dick Vomit (4): I'm tugging my grandfather and juggling my berlins over this one.
02/2/2005 qualcomm: i think it's not supposed to be that funny in many/most cases, right? it's just slang.
02/2/2005 The Rid (4): 3.52 rounded up. From the middle on this short is excellent.
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: It is abundantly clear that the author of this piece is concerned with addressing, using anecdote and parable, how we are experiencing and engaged in experiencing the fragile and specific nature of our unique human condizion.
02/2/2005 Dylan Danko: That's what I thought, QC. But I don't really now anything about it. I know that australian slang differs from cockney slang.
02/2/2005 Dylan Danko: know
02/2/2005 scoop (4):
02/2/2005 Jawbreaker (4):
02/2/2005 Dylan Danko (3):
02/2/2005 TheBuyer (4): 3.5 rounded up. It's a bit Doris Day.
02/2/2005 Jon Matza (3): come on, people.
02/2/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (3): I'm voting with Brookline on this one. I didn't find anything all that surprising or interesting about this one. It was pretty solid, but I'm just going by the voting rules QC outlined for us at an earlier date. I find it's a good guide to follow. QC, will you show us that little guide again? I don't have time.
02/2/2005 Phony Millions: I can't vote on this because like snow I don't get some of the sayings, especially the last one, 'throw the ole leg over'. Didn't get any help from the postings below.
02/2/2005 Jon Matza: Wasn't anyone else bothered by Gregori inexplicably inhaling vomit? This idiocy more or less ruined what for me would otherwise've been a fairly pom-pom short. Evans: 'throw the leg over' = a brit's 'have sex', I think.
02/2/2005 Phony Millions: Um, Mr. Pony, are you, um, trying to imitate Shane Mahoney with his characterstic mispelling of workds with a 'z'?
02/2/2005 Phony Millions: 'words' rather - the word in question was 'condizion' like that Mahoney character spells 'rezources'. Just thought it was funny.
02/2/2005 John Slocum (3):
02/2/2005 Mr. Pony: Thought we'd take Shane Mahoney's technique and apply it to something actually useful and relevant, something that matters to us; to everyone, as opposed to esoteric hunting garbage masquerading as armchair environmentalism (or vice versa?). No offense, Shane. Big fan.
02/3/2005 Litcube: Hi, Benny. I thought this was a good one. Original premise for a short, I thought.
02/3/2005 Dylan Danko: YES MATZA! I too was appalled by the use of inhaled. It reminded me of the wonderfully horrible opening line to a short story by Zohar Porat in Cy Yesner's English class. "I opened my mouth and inherited the sandwich."
02/3/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Huh. I kinda liked the vomit trick. It reminds me of that very popular spittle trick, where you let it dangle until it almost touches, like, someone's uvula or something and then you suck it back up.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: That's kinda hot.
02/3/2005 Jon Matza: Re "inhale": just to clarify (sorry Maniacs), I was objecting to the lack of believability more than the usage. I'm not saying pointlessly sucking up vomit isn't funny; as Jimson points out, it is. Just that it makes no sense in the context of this story. If Gregori's afraid of being quarantined on account of his wretched appearance why on earth would he engage in a self-destructive act guaranteed to make him look worse? I can't believe I'm arguing this point.
02/3/2005 Dylan Danko: I was objecting to the usage which, in the informal sense at least, means to consume rapidly and eagerly , something I'm not sure the author intended. I could be wrong but I'm still appalled.
02/3/2005 Mr. Pony: You guys have obviously never had ebola.
02/3/2005 Benny Maniacs (1): The inhaling of the vomit was accidental - a diaphragmatic spasm, typical of the quirky and ruthless breakdown of the nervous system during the middle stages of Ebola Zaire. The "throw the 'ole leg over" is a Britishism, as (someone surmised correctly) was the "Mae West" Cockney rhyming scheme, as was the slang "bird", for woman. If any further illucidation is needed, please don't hesitate to ask.
P.S. I can't believe you fucking asses low-balled this clearly thrilling opener for my new screenplay, entitled "FORK-TAILED SPAWN".