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Ever since I found Zoo-lady, my life has become unexpectedly meaningful. The complications are easy to overlook. For instance, the panties I purchased for her are too tight. You should see her. She must have been the abandoned child of tourists, because her tall, dirty blonde, equine looks bare no resemblance to the natives. She is at once a perfect specimen of a Bachaeeacus Arthropodicuae butterfly, graceful and innocent, and at the same time an Oceanus Profundis, or deep ocean. My name's Walden. Call me Wally.

This beautiful, young, feral Tahitian before me has no understanding of society, its discontents, or even how to dress. She's looking at me in a confused, helpless way, unable to navigate the fly up her jeans. The only "language" she speaks is a series of growling, hooting and yelping noises. This was presumably taught to her by the Tahitian apes who I found her with. She is my Secretti Darccius; my dark secret.

The same apes who raised Zoo-Lady had apparently not taught her the basics of physical intimacy. When I found her, she was at once starved of sexual contact while being unsure of how to express herself in a sexual manner. She was attracted to virtually any human male between the ages of twelve and forty-nine, which was lucky for me, because I'm a portly, sunburned anthropologist of forty-eight and-a-half. Women have never considered me especially attractive, but let's just say Zoo-lady is neither starved nor untaught, as the case may be.

Today my lesson revolved around "human interpersonal relations", as we call them in the social sciences. For example, she was thirsty, and gestured to me for a sip of my coke. "Hoo hoo. Hoo hoo", she said. It was so cute. I pointed to my crotch and echoed her words: "Hoo hoo. Hoo hoo". It'll all be in my book, "Zoo-Lady: A Study in Primitivism - Primitivism of All Sorts". I'm not sure if, at the end of my book, I should set her free into the forest, as seen in the film Greystoke, or whether I should merely announce my findings to the world and marry/adopt her. At any rate, I've never been as excited, happy or satisfied, I mean really satisfied, if you will, in all my life.

Date Written: January 27, 2005
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3.6154

02/7/2005 Ewan Snow: So, what do you guys think?
02/7/2005 TheBuyer (4): I think this Wally guy lucked out by six months. Also I like, 'the abandoned child of tourists'. The end of the third graph hung me up a bit with all the 'starved'. 3.5
02/7/2005 Jon Matza (4): solid; horny
02/7/2005 Phony Millions (4): ditto!
02/7/2005 John Slocum (4): Is this the same author how created Alexander ('My name is Alexander; I'm a cum stain remover.')? Enjoyable tone/read.
02/7/2005 John Slocum: Is this the same author how created Alexander ('My name is Alexander; I'm a cum stain remover.')? Enjoyable tone/read.
02/7/2005 John Slocum: do i have to ask twice?
02/7/2005 Ewan Snow (3): I didn't have any "problems" with this one, but it didn't hold any signifiacnt surprises or laughs, really.
02/7/2005 Mr. Pony: Ewan, I like how your vote reflects what you said, more or less perfectly.
02/7/2005 Ewan Snow: Thank you, thank you.
02/7/2005 Dylan Danko (3): SLoppy writing
02/7/2005 Dick Vomit (3): Chaotic Neutral. +3 Vorpal Weapon.
02/7/2005 Mass Ass: I'm not sure how to vote. Earlier I thought this was solid and horny and was going to give it a four. Now I'm starting to think it's just a three. I agree with all you guys!
02/7/2005 The Rid (4):
02/7/2005 John Slocum: oops, can't be disney, he got demoted. Matza, aren't you psyched about that?
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: "Psyched"? Would you describe the best fucking day of your life as being "psyched"?
02/7/2005 John Slocum: I guess 'psyched' sounds a bit like an understatement when you put it that way. How about 'animated'?
02/7/2005 Jawbreaker (4): Thought this was solid also.
02/7/2005 Phony Millions: Mass Ass, Shall I tear you a new hole? The last paragraph for me had some real laughs. Dylan, how sloppy?
02/7/2005 Der Kommissar: Don't turn around, oh, oh. I'm in town. Oh. Oh.
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: Looks like the chickens've come home to roost...eh Disney???
02/7/2005 Will Disney: I like this one. I think that 'neither' in the second to last paragraph should maybe be 'no longer' ?
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: Your disgrace is life-giving nectar to me, Disney.
02/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Well Brad, I just typed out a lengthy response to your question and then got an error message when I tried to post it which is probably for the best. At any rate: I guess I was bothered by the unneccessary use and misuse of certain idioms. The idiom, "as the case may be" in the 3rd graf means that one of the cases should be true. "The President or Vice President, as the case may be, has the power to..." Here, due to the author's skill as a carnal instructor neither case is true. Also, in the previous sentence, the author tells us that Zoo Lady is attracted to "virtually any human male between the ages of twelve and forty-nine." In that case, what does his unattractiveness have to do with her new found sex life?
In the first graf he uses the idiom "at once" to mean simultaneously, making "at the same time" redundant. )The author uses it again in the 3rd graf with slightly more success.) Then there is the unneccessary "if you will" in the last sentence. Lastly, wouldn't it be easier for the author to set her free "in" the forest rather than "into" the forest?
This answer - and my longer one - were hastily constructed so feel free to flame any or all of these points.
02/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Also, in the 2nd graf the author puts language in quotes implying, I guess, that she didn't really speak one. In that case, in the 2nd graf, shouldn't the next sentence begin with "These were" instead of "This was?" I'm no grammarian so...
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: Some Tinactin points raised here by Danko...
02/7/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (3): Yeah, I'm with Danko. I read that "as the case may be" sentence several times trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Idiom misuse aside, I guess we're supposed assume ol' Wally rectified the lack of tutelage that opened the paragraph, but a carefully placed "now" would have made that a hell of a lot clearer. Also, I think there's something fucked about the organization of this in terms of what happens when. In particular, what the hell is happening at present? She's trying to zip up her fly and ask for a sip of coke? The rest is just a litany of details about the specimen, which might work if this were organized as a field report or if it was supposed to be a recording of his observations or something, but neither of these seem to be the case.
02/7/2005 Phony Millions: Yeah, and a nuanced delivery as well! Can't argue with any of those points, Danko, and if I was reading the short more closely, the inconsistencies might have bothered me.
02/7/2005 Phony Millions: My last post wasn't clear...Danko's delivery was nice I meant.
02/7/2005 John Slocum: Dylan's 'delivery' is always nice. Just ask the ladies.
02/7/2005 Phony Millions: I think, Jimson, that on the contrary the present moment is pretty clearly stated in the second paragraph, "She's looking at me in a confused, helpless way..." whereas what you cited was a recollection of something that took place earlier in the day.
02/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Yes, yes, Jimson, there's a whole tense problem going on as well! Holy fuck, I need to take back a couple stars! I guess the thing is...it was also horny, as Matza said, and that goes a long way.
02/7/2005 Phony Millions: Not a problem pour moi. This is conversational, casual, and recollective. Often, when we talk, we skip around tenses like this. I can imagine the narrator talking on the phone and sayin all this, or writing it on a blog.
02/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Maybe Brad's right about that but the question is why is it structured so? Though this is a minor point, I guess. Also, are the complications "easy to overlook" or did the author mean "hard to overlook?" If they are easy how is that supported by the rest of the graf?
02/7/2005 TheBuyer: Also, have all these questions gone unanswered by the author of this short because the author of this short is qualcomm and qualcomm isn't available to answer them because he is doing other things, yes now?
02/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Slocum: if by nice you mean not even adequate enough to be messy, you'd be right. If by ladies you mean a nostalgic assortment of tube socks you'd also be right.
02/7/2005 Phony Millions: mmmmm...Doesn't feel like Qualcomm to me. Isn't there one of us who's always breaking out with the Latin terms? Author! Show Thyself!
02/7/2005 Phony Millions: Damn Danko that was some self-deprecating stuff...I'll never look at tube socks the same way again...
02/7/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: I guess you're right, Brad. It's just that there's this tense switch that happens in the middle of the paragraph and I can't really roll with it--especially since its so fleeting, and he never really returns to the present. I do, however, like "The complications are easy to overlook. For instance, the panties I purchased for her are too tight." But most of its charm lies in a misunderstanding.
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: Your ignominy is my Popeye's 3-piece dinner, Disney.
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: Jimson: you've got to roll with the punches and get to what's real. Can't you see me standing here? I got my back against the wrecking machine!
02/7/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yeah, you ain't the worst that I seen, Matza.
02/7/2005 Phony Millions: I get up, damnit - Nothin' gets me down.
02/7/2005 Ewan Snow: "Wrecking machine"? I thought it was "record machine".
02/7/2005 TheBuyer: Hey man, tell it to slow motion Walter. S'cuse me while I kiss this guy.
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: Well, I'll be a blue-nosed gopher!
02/7/2005 Dylan Danko: Matza, are you serious? 'Livin' on a farm' much??
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: Yeah, I always thought it was 'wrecking machine' (which, let's face it, would've been the better lyric).
02/7/2005 Ewan Snow: Ha!
02/7/2005 John Slocum: maniacs.
02/7/2005 Benny Maniacs (1): Maniacs.
02/7/2005 Jon Matza: It can cut you like a knife / If the fight becomes the fire/ On the wire between will and what will be/ She's a maniac, maniac on the floor/ And she's dancing like she's never danced before
02/7/2005 Benny Maniacs: la la la la la la la la la la (guitar solo) la la la la la la
02/7/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Zoo-lady.
02/8/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): Good, and I especially liked that it didn't go over the top.
02/8/2005 qualcomm (3):
02/8/2005 qualcomm: or maybe four. i'unno.
02/8/2005 Dylan Danko: For those about to rock, we sell new tubes.
02/9/2005 qualcomm: danko: so what you're saying is, even though i immediately amplified my response by saying you were nitpicking, you chose to ignore that key distinction in your summary of our discussion. that is why i say you distort. you choose to remember only the things that help your argument. i don't agree that only one of your points could arguably be called nitpicking. i thought they both were. i really really apologize for disagreeing with you, danko, but i'm not going to support a weak argument of yours simply to prove that i don't always come out against you. the reason i come out against you so much is because i often think you're wrong. i didn't disagree with your vote on this short; i gave it three stars, just like you. i just didn't agree with your stated reasons. it's strange that you attack me, your fellow three-starrer. why not go after pony, sfbd, buyer, slocum or evans? could it be that it is YOU, danko, who feel the need to come out against ME? i mean, i didn't even say you were nitpicking on the website, just in a private phone conversation.
02/9/2005 Dylan Danko: amplied=backpedal: ignore=address directly
You couldn't help your "or maybe four. I'unno" comment could you? It's ok. I like our roles.
02/9/2005 qualcomm: you really are full of shit.
02/9/2005 Dylan Danko: amplified
02/9/2005 Dylan Danko: Rip off!!
02/9/2005 qualcomm: what's a ripoff?
02/9/2005 qualcomm: so, again to paraphrase our phone conversation, this is what you call a "backpedal":
ME: I don't agree with your comments on maniacs' short.
DANKO: What do you mean?
ME: Well, I think you were kind of nitpicking, etc.
yeah, you really cornered me there, danko. can you blame me for backpedaling? as i've said before, you have no rhetorical ethics. law school must have pounded them out of you.
02/9/2005 Benny Maniacs: Maniacs treatise: Qualcom is the Felix unger of the pair, while Danko remains Oscar Madison to the last. Or, more topically, Qualcom is the George H.W. Bush (think ex-chief of CIA), while Danko is his Superbowl/Tsunami relief buddy, Bill Clinton. Any others?
02/9/2005 Jon Matza: QC is Frank Furillo to Danko's Sgt. Belker?