home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Seater stood in a slightly crouched postition, thigh muscles rippling like volcanic lava about to erupt. He was fixing to spring over Crimson's priceless antique table--a dangerous and difficult feat made next to impossible by the hodgepodge of Waterford vases, crystal champagne flutes and empty liqour bottles ("dead soldiers" in the parlance of the hipster celebrants) standing on the table. Indeed, there were those among the assembled who wondered if Seater would end up paying the ultimate price for this foolhardy yet undeniably courageous gambit.

Notable among the spectators and naysayers were Crimson, whose own grandmother had etched the mellifluous patterns into the table's woodwork a half century ago and bequeathed it to her--Crimson--after a family trip to The Old Man in the Mountain; Ervine, who glowered with a long-standing, ill-concealed envy of Seater's ability to perform jaw-dropping feats of derring-do at parties (a practice Seater referred to as "raging"), and Willem, who seemed more interested in frenching his date on the sofa than following the goings-on at the table. Also present were De'lon, a jaded British expatriate who professed contempt for all that passed before his eyes but nonetheless followed the tableau with rapt attention, and Felton, who bloodthirstily encouraged Seater in hopes of an expensive mishap. Notably missing were Yane (who had left earlier, chastened by Seater's vitality and willingness to have a good time and make conversation no matter what the cost) and her new friend Guinivere, whose inaudible murmerings and whispers had caused no small consternation throughout the early stages of the event.

Now however, the once sedate, even repressed gathering was suffused by an electrifying current of excitement and tension. Yes...time itself seemed to lapse into slow motion as the magical moment neared, adding yet another heaping portion of drama to the already towering plateful of exhilaration marking the proceedings. The supporting characters' pleas to Seater not to attempt the death-defying stunt fell on deaf ears. All at once Seater leapt skywards!

More than one heart skipped a beat as Seater glided through the smoky air, legs and arms pinwheeling, then landed soft as a feather on the other side. It was all over. There was a pause, then the audience exploded into a fierce ovation and roared its appreciation. Afterwards, the attendees argued whether Seater's flight had been more nimble than that of a ballerina, more graceful than that of a jungle puma or illustrated more consummate showmanship than that of a circus impresario. Addressing this, Seater's statement showed justifiable pride in his accomplishment: "I don't know which and I don't care...all I know is I showed you all." Tears filled his eyes, and Seater's voice quivered as he managed to get his next statement out only with difficulty: "This is the most...totally...fucking...sirloin moment...of my life."

Date Written: August 06, 2002
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.14286

08/6/2002 anonymous (5):
08/6/2002 anonymous (1):
08/6/2002 anonymous (4):
04/22/2003 Jimson S. Sorghum (5): Sirloin, indeed.
06/19/2003 Shomer Shabbas (4): the tale was okay but the four char deal was good. call me dumb or easy but i give it prop. more than one prop will not fit.
04/15/2004 Ferucio P. Chhretan (5): Ahhh, now I get it.
09/21/2004 John Slocum (5): You left Pf'nous out. How could you? I'm sure he was there.
03/20/2009 qualcomm: apology accepted, jimson?