home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Inhaling sharply through his stippled, porcine snout, Dr. Arthur Pimsling rises from his seat and holds aloft a flute of champagne. A smug, satisfied frown sinks into his loose rosy cheeks, describing an arc over the protuberance of his pink, crumpled chin.

"Ahh, good."


"Beloved guests. I would like to make an announcement." Ting-ting-ting. "Everybody? Everyone?" Ting-ting-ting-ting-ting! I'd like to make an announcement. Yes. Thanks. Thank you. Yes. Ahem. First, I should like to propose a toast, to the bride and groom, on this most blessed of occasions. Here's--" Ting-ting-ting! "Hi. Sorry. I'd like to--ahh. Hi, sorry. Sorry. Ha. Ha." Ting-ting-ting! "Everybody? Ting-ting-ting! "If I may. Sorry! May I just interrupt for a second? I'd just like to s--"


"Hello, sorry? People? Ahh...hah, hah, hah. Hello?!" Ting-ting-ting-ting! Flabbergasted, Dr. Pimsling turns to Midge, his wife of 34 years, whose flushed face she conceals behind a glove. "What the devil?!"

Across the Roosevelt Room, from table 14, a lone voice rings out: "ASSSSS-hole!"

Date Written: February 16, 2005
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 3.5455

02/22/2005 The Rid: Huh?
02/22/2005 Ewan Snow: What is this supposed to mean?
02/22/2005 anonymous: Snow wrote it.
02/22/2005 Ewan Snow: Nope.
02/22/2005 anonymous: Author thinks this short is remarkably simple.
02/22/2005 Mr. Joshua (4): Made me laugh
02/22/2005 Ewan Snow: Well congratulations to the author. A guy tries to give a toast. Nobody pays attention. Then somebody calls him an asshole. What am I missing?
02/22/2005 Mr. Joshua: Snow: I laughed cuz it ran counter to my expectations. You have this formal affair with a bunch of swells in attendance, and then someone bellows out something you might hear at a sporting event or lousy comedy night. You know, sports.
02/22/2005 Dylan Danko: You mean comedy sports?
02/22/2005 Jawbreaker (4): I agree with Mr. Joshua. Even though it was kind of expected I still liked the ending. Assholes!
02/22/2005 Jawbreaker: Just kidding about the assholes part.
02/22/2005 Mr. Joshua: Jawbreaker: Wanna fuck?
02/22/2005 Dylan Danko: Why don't you show her your tackle, J?
02/22/2005 anonymous: Ewan, I didn't mean to suggest you were missing anything. The Rid seems perplexed, so I just wanted to point out there's nothing to get. It's a simple, one-note joke.
02/22/2005 Mr. Joshua: Gerald doesn't just come out for anyone. He needs a little quid pro quo; know what I'm sayin' D-Dog?
02/22/2005 TheBuyer (3): Author, that's a good way to put it. Middle ground.
02/22/2005 Dylan Danko: I'll give you a quid.
02/22/2005 Litcube (4): I laughed.
02/22/2005 The Rid: Then I guess I got it. But since everything on Acme is so highbrow, I thought that I was missing something. It's just not all that funny, I guess. To me. Yes, just to me. You dicks. All of you! Fuck off!
02/22/2005 The Rid: Wow! I'm not sure what happened there. Jawbreaker must've used my login!
02/22/2005 The Rid: Just kidding. It was me. Jerks.
02/22/2005 Jon Matza (4): nuh
02/22/2005 muh: muh
02/22/2005 anonymous: UNNNHHHH
02/22/2005 Mr. Joshua: JB, how about that fuck?
02/22/2005 qualcomm (3): 3.49
02/22/2005 anonymous: Come on, you guys! Let's make some noise!!!
02/22/2005 anonymous: Let's make some--
02/22/2005 anonymous: zzz...
02/22/2005 Jawbreaker: Mr. Joshua, are you saying that Gerald will cum out for me?
02/22/2005 anonymous: It'd be pretty hot if this short actually led to a relationship.
02/22/2005 Jon Matza: Joshua, I'll trade you my Gerard for your Gerald. It's not as big or as wide but it's shaped like an ampersand.
02/22/2005 Ewan Snow: I really got no pleasure out of this one. I finished it and wondered if I had missed something. I guess, seeing Mr. J.'s comment, that the problem for me was that it didn't go against my expectations, or not in a funny way. I mean, when the stuff shirt gets up to give a toast I expected something to go terribly wrong, or something dramatic to happen. Then I realized that people werenít paying attention to him. Okay, okay. So nobodyís listening. Okay. Still not listening. Okay. Then somebody calls him an asshole. The end. It was, like, a major anticlimax. Itís the type of thing that would be funny to witness, but as a story falls flat.
02/22/2005 anonymous: Totally fair!
02/22/2005 Mr. Pony (4): I had a couple of chuckles in there. 3.49999...
02/22/2005 Mr. Pony: Mr. Joshua, I think we're all waiting for your response.
02/22/2005 Benny Maniacs (3): I liked the rhythm of first two grafs, but ending left me slightly blue-balled.
02/22/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): 3.499999998
02/22/2005 anonymous: Whoa, DV. Chill!!
02/23/2005 Litcube: Hey, Dee Vee! You thood todalee relakth! LOL! Thith thort wath preddy good but -- wate.. Dee Vee! Ahah! YOU are the author! You are thilly! Oh, Dee Vee!
02/23/2005 Dick Vomit: CUBER!
02/23/2005 Litcube: Oh, Dee Vee, you thilly panth!
02/23/2005 John Slocum (4): I, Slocum, after a long night hurling the fermented juice of the grape at the punters, found this very funny. As paragraph 4 wore on a smile stole 'cross my visage and then...a good chuckle escaped my lips!!!
02/23/2005 Phony Millions (3): The 'one-note' joke as someone put it aptly enough was funny enough, but the long, protracted pre-toast was slow for me. I would have liked more of the description-stuff in the first paragraph - 'stippled, porcine snout'...