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I spent an hour in her face at a party making time before she excused herself to take a leak. My pal Sam came up on my left and bummed a smoke. He patted his pompadour in the mirror, told me she was trouble. I told him that's a pretty name, Trouble, wonder if she fucks. He says don't fiddle with her, she's got a daddy they call Tiny and he's got the devil in him. I told him to relax and straightened his lapel. He wished me dirty sheets and slid off with his eyes on some backless number in knee-high boots.

Trouble came back, says she missed the toilet and pissed on her shoe. I dropped my fly and pissed on her other one, told her now they're even, maybe we'll stay awhile and cause a scene. She says may-be, grabs my thumb and jabs it in her eye. I throw her drink in my face. She licks her wrist and smacks me. I tell her this dog is barking at the moon without a collar, he can't sew for shit but he needs a pretty hat. She held a lit candle under my elbow, tells me to forget San Diego, we'll fling bible tracts in the river and do the jumble.


The door swung open and her laugh parted the crowd in a vee. Her man steps up, I say you're tiny, and the midget picks up a fireplace tool and backs me off, says to call him Greg. Nobody punches a midget. I'm a somebody, so pulled up my zipper and located my coat. I split with a bottle of good Pinot, went straight to The Hurdy Gurdy Hollywood Bistro and sat there trying to guess what 'the jumble' is. Melted cheese and mayonnaise on my thumb, I lick it off and think about her one good eye.

Date Written: February 04, 2005
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 4.5

02/14/2005 The Rid (4): Almost a five.
02/14/2005 Will Disney (5): are you kidding, rid? FANtastic.
02/14/2005 Dick Vomit (5): Best. Short. Ever. Twats.
02/14/2005 Sergio (5): This needs to be printed and framed.
02/14/2005 The Rid: Yeah. Wish I fived it. Disney, can you negate my first vote and let me revote?
02/14/2005 qualcomm (4):
02/14/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4):
02/14/2005 The Rid: Heh.
02/14/2005 Litcube (5): I love the way this is written. Original. Laughed all through 2nd paragraph. Dense with awesomeness.
02/14/2005 Phony Millions (5): Fuckin yeah. This is inspired. I'm jealous.
02/14/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (5): What is the jumble?
02/14/2005 Mr. Pony: Say, could those of you who fived this please discuss its merits for a bit? I mean, with the possible exception of Litcube (and even 'dense with awesomeness' is a bit vague, if direct), you all might as well have left (no comment). I'm not disagreeing. I'm just interested in what you think.
02/14/2005 Litcube: [Litcube leans back in his cot, dons his shades, rubs a little Excused oil, and basks in the glorious rays of Exception while nursing a cool bottle of Exempt.]
02/14/2005 John Slocum: Pinot.
02/14/2005 Sergio: "she's got a daddy they call Tiny and he's got the devil in him." Classic bible belt/1920'S speech pattern. And followed up by "He wished me dirty sheets and slid off" is against the grain and really started me laughing. It really builds up from there.
02/14/2005 John Slocum: Author: Pinot Blanc, Pinot Gris or Pinot Noir? Or is this a insider's reference to Pinot Chardonnay, the old name for Chardonnay? Brilliant touch either way.
02/14/2005 qualcomm: i think the pinot was a flagrant slocum pander, slocum
02/14/2005 anonymous: Insider/bullshitter's reference for a California Noir. Thin skin, delicate etc.
02/14/2005 Dylan Danko (4):
02/14/2005 anonymous: If it were Slocum pander I would have done my homework better.
02/14/2005 Dylan Danko: QC, why? Do you think Slocum is a big pinot fan? Slocum?
02/14/2005 Dick Vomit: Pony, it was all feel for me. And voice, tone, tempo, "craft" and the short's ability to outdo itself with each new detail. I smiled wide. My heart soared. Sort of in a baked fruit kinda way.
02/14/2005 John Slocum (4): Thin-skin reference shows you've done your homework, or at least seen Sideways. So basically, this 'thin-skinned' guy woosed out of a fight with a midget and so has an affinity for thin-skinned, difficult, sensitive, moody pinot noir. (?)Excellent short, great language consistency and tone, great whacky middle paragraph, still in character/tone. Very enjoyable and skillfully rendered. Didn't quite laugh out loud and so 4, not 5.
02/14/2005 Dylan Danko: Slocum, thou must call me.
02/14/2005 qualcomm: danko, re slocum pander, i was kidding. also, i don't want to see any more of these "call me" messages from you in the comments. message board. have some respect.
02/14/2005 John Slocum: Qualcomm, you must call me.
02/14/2005 Ewan Snow: This short is so hep.
02/14/2005 TheBuyer: Got some funky shit going on with verb tenses in the last chunk.
02/14/2005 Dylan Danko: You will see more of them. You will refrain from commenting on them. Please avert your eyes when talking to me from now on.
02/14/2005 qualcomm: cool, so just use the message board for that stuff, ok? great.
02/14/2005 Dylan Danko: I thought you were going to stop arguing with me.
02/14/2005 qualcomm: are we arguing? i just thought you'd like to know how you can stop ruining the site.
02/14/2005 Dylan Danko: This is too embarrassing to continue. You are right. I'm very sorry. I love you.
02/14/2005 Jon Matza: I may or may not like this, depending on who it turns out to be by. Either way I was deeply offended by the author's misspelling of "mayonnaise".
02/14/2005 anonymous: Corrected, thank you.
02/14/2005 qualcomm: explain, brother.
02/14/2005 Jon Matza: I guess it's that there are certain authors I "trust" and would thus assume wrote the surreal bits here w/control and care (and since I know them I can get added pleasure out of imagining them writing this & chortling over it). Then there are those whose past body of work makes me suspect them of habitually relying on and over-valuing haphazard experimentalism/stream-of-consciousness improvisation...and thus if I know it's by them will feel annoyed by certain lines. I realize this is probably wrong, but it's true. (If this confession annoys you, blame qc for asking).
02/14/2005 anonymous: Yes, annoying but understandable, consider him blamed. What lines are we talking about?
02/14/2005 Jon Matza: OK, buyer; not sure what difference it makes, but..."wished me dirty sheets"; "I tell her this dog is barking at the moon..."; "She held a lit candle..." Also think "hot" graf's incorrect & midget=cheap laugh. I'm pretty sure I think this is a three, but fear being accused of willful iconoclasm &/or personal vendetta. Also am questioning my reaction because others seemed to like it so much.
02/14/2005 Ewan Snow: Matza, I think those are all parodies of 1950's hipster talk, as one might find in Sweet Smell of Success.
02/14/2005 Mr. Pony (4):
02/15/2005 cuntry (3): brilliant bits - nobody punches a midget - but it felt forced to me, like it was really trying to be something...
02/18/2005 Front (5): firey. just right. perfect, maybe.
12/28/2005 TertiaryWinesAreTheOnlyWinesForMe: I like this!
12/28/2005 TertiaryWinesAreTheOnlyWinesForMe (5): I like this!
12/28/2005 TertiaryWinesAreTheOnlyWinesForMe: You sure are a ball-breaker, Jon Matza! I hope I don't cross you! But I think you'll like my shorts!
03/13/2007 Master Bates (5): haw, haw, funny
12/8/2010 Marvin_Bernstein (4.5): good job