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He had farted - a wet one, barely audible. Standing next to him, I thought, "Skidmark. He will have a skidmark. Right now, there's a trail of trace shit escaping from his fat ass, lining his underpants."

"Dude, you're going to have a little somethin' somethin' on your underpants," I said, giggling. The joint I was smoking started to canoe just then, and burnt rapidly up the side, singing my index finger. "Shit!" I said, trying to hold in the smoke, giggling some more. The last giggle, though, cracked off awkwardly, and my voice raised its pitch inadvertently. I instantly flushed with embarrassment.

He looked at me all pissed off and sullen. "Dude, what do you mean, 'somethin' somethin'? That's so gay! Don't try to get all familiar-like with me. If I fart, it's like, dude, just ignore it."

I was too stoned now. Everything got all weird. He had farted, damn it. He started the whole mess. He was smoking my joint. I was just trying to break the ice, to let him know that it was okay that he farted, that I was mellow enough with that and could respond to it in a jocular, off-hand way.

But it had backfired. I knew it as soon as the words escaped from my lips. I should have just let it ride. I felt shame and anger rise up all at once from my stomach. A tickling sensation began in my groin, and I was aware that my penis was shrinking, wilting away as it were, like you know what happens with guys at sporting events or listening to music (studies have been done, it's true - no one know why exactly but yeah your dick shrinks).

I looked at him and began to speak. "Man, I was just trying to..." Darkness closed in and I blacked out. I awoke with a sharp headache and the faint smell of egg salad. But it wasn't just the smell. It was like I could taste egg salad in my throat and in my blood - like someone had intravenously shot me up with essence of egg salad.

I didn't like the whole thing; I thought the whole thing was 'like weird.'

Date Written: February 27, 2003
Author: Phony Millions
Average Vote: 4.2857

02/27/2003 anonymous (1):
05/31/2004 TheBuyer (4): Ignored! Bullshit, this short is good.
05/31/2004 qualcomm (5): i'm sure i voted for this before
05/31/2004 John Slocum (5): Good? This is great! 'Somethin somethin', the joint canoeing (is that a real term?); these cracked me up. "I awoke with a sharp headache and the faint smell of egg salad" killed me. Reminded me of my days working at Bailey's of Boston (in Brookline) - great egg salad.
05/31/2004 Jon Matza (5): exemplary Evans...a tasty casserole of crippling self-awareness, apprehension, dismay & disgust.
06/1/2004 Dylan Danko (5): Then why is it my dick gets hard every time I watch Team Handball?
06/1/2004 Ewan Snow (5): This is the prototypical Brad short.