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Funny how I became the bad guy, because believe me, it used to be just the opposite. I met Pam while she had that job at the dentist's office. She was sitting behind the desk with that white labcoat thing on, but you could tell she was a real knockout. I went out and bought a single rose for her after getting my teeth cleaned. The other girls working there said I was real sweet.

We started dating and I didn't try anything too fast. I didn't make any serious moves until like the fifth or sixth date, and trust me when I say I wanted to from the first time I saw her. She had a dynamite ass that I was hoping she'd one day let me fuck. Yeah, I was real caring, real gentle.

Pam's friends liked me, too. Megan took me aside early on and told me how happy Pam had been lately. Megan was real cute and I wanted to fuck her, so I made a regular thing of talking to her about Pam and my relationship. Pretty soon Megan started letting me eat her pussy while she sucked my dick and nads (she figured it wasn't so bad that way). A couple times she let me fuck her ass too, which was cool. All right, so I'm a real horny bastard. Guilty as charged. But you have to understand, I was being real good with Pam while this was going on, taking her out every weekend, getting her gifts after every time with Megan. Did I buy fresh cut roses on Valentine's Day? You bet I did.

After a few months, though, I could tell Megan was starting to feel guilty. That's cool, you know, I understand girls can't keep these things going on like guys. So I started working on Trish, the new girl at Pam's office. She was pretty easy: just out of high school and real innocent. We used to fuck in the office after hours while sucking on the laughing gas.

Anway, long story short, Megan gets jealous of me and Trish, so she rats all of us out to Pam. Now suddenly I'm the asshole. I mean, it's so stupid. I'm still the same guy who blew all that cash on roses and tickets to dinner theater and what not. If I hadn't fucked Trish or spent all those months eating Megan's pussy, would I be a different person? I mean, would I suddenly be this better guy? Hell no.

I just think it's really shallow to judge people only by their actions. You know, I could easily move out of Five Towns and meet a new group of people and be the good guy again. I mean, what? I'm supposed to buy Pam a dozen long stem roses or something?

Date Written: February 10, 2005
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.35714

02/18/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Tommy: Her family lives in the Five Towns. These Jews got money. Maybe the family owns the whole block. You may wind up with a big score.

Henry (V.O.): I had a meeting with Tuddy at 11:00 and here I am a backup guy for Tommy.

Tommy: Did you have enough to eat?

Tommy's Date: It was delicious. I'm just watching my diet.

Tommy: Let me watch your figure.

Henry (V.O.): I couldn't wait to go. I was ordering dessert when they were eating dinner. When they were having coffee, I was asking for the check.
02/18/2005 Dick Vomit: No, I thought you said alright Spider.
02/18/2005 anonymous: I am all right, you stuttering prick, you, you're not all right.
02/18/2005 Dick Vomit: No, but I thought...I thought you said
02/18/2005 Ewan Snow: okay, okay, enough.
02/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
02/18/2005 Ewan Snow: Does anybody have any actual comments on this short. I found it to be an unsurprising genre short, but chuckled at a few lines, hence 4. What of you?
02/18/2005 Mr. Pony (4): you fucking dorks
02/18/2005 Ewan Snow: i agree with pony. you guys are dorks. not me though. nope.
02/18/2005 John Slocum: tickets to dinner theater.
02/18/2005 John Slocum (4): I would give this a 4 for being well written ('readable, consistent, etc.), a 3 for originality and a 5 for horniness. And so.
02/18/2005 The Rid (4): Snow: I cracked up but found it unoriginal. Another I'm-an-asshole-but-I-don't-get-that-I'm-an-asshole story. Funny, if uninspired. Great details on Megan getting jealous about Trish. 4.25.
02/18/2005 Jawbreaker (4):
02/18/2005 Dick Vomit (4): Basically, I'd like to try fucking after hours while sucking on the laughing gas.
02/18/2005 Litcube (4): I agree that it wasn't very original, but outweighed by ease of use, erection inducing descriptions, and humour in narrator's assholish, yet somehow forgivable ignorance. Four, again!
02/18/2005 TheBuyer (5): You're all wrong.
02/18/2005 Mr. Pony: actually, i spoke with the author earlier, and he was pretty clear that this was a four.
02/18/2005 TheBuyer: Ya, also wrong.
02/19/2005 Phony Millions (4): A solid four!
02/19/2005 cuntry (5): good read. i'd cut the last line but otherwise found most enjoyable. what's unoriginal? i liked the retro feel.
02/19/2005 qualcomm: apparently, any "first person, asshole" story is unoriginal. in my opinion, though, that's too broad a category to rule out. especially if, as in the case of this short, the character is somewhat realistic/believable. i don't think the particular asshole in this short has been done before on acme. or at least, the particular asshole point this asshole is making (that judging people by their actions is shallow) hasn't been explored before. i think it's an interesting topic because it's both assholish and somewhat true.

i guess you could argue this asshole's obliviousness of his own flaws makes it unoriginal. but i say, that's a fucking distinguishing characteristic of assholes: they don't know they're assholes. if they did, they'd probably stop being such assholes.

calling any "asshole short" unoriginal is tantamount to calling any poop or sex short unoriginal. it's a huge category, with lots of unexplored areas. i'm not saying this short necessarily deserves better than a four. i'm just saying it's not particularly unoriginal. thank you.
02/19/2005 TheBuyer: no, thank you, this brand of asshole needs more airtime. That, and you're wrong, it's a five and should have been the first five average in Current Quarter Q4FY05.
02/20/2005 John Slocum: Speaking for Slocum, I never said this was unorignal, I said I'd give it a 3 for originality. That's at least average originality.
02/21/2005 Will Disney (5): no i think this one is lovely, as much as i hate to give qc five stars.
02/21/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): I agree this is a solid four. I also agree with cuntry that the last line should go. Why differentiate between "fresh cut" and "long stem" roses? It might have been a better end line if roses hadn't already come in earlier on.
02/21/2005 qualcomm: maybe i'm stating the obvious, but just to be sure: i wanted this guy to think that roses solve all relationship problems. so, as in the three earlier mentions of roses, they prove that he cares, and are a go-to make-up item.
02/21/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yeah, I figured that, but "a dozen long-stemmed roses" doesn't feel right. Probably because a dozen long-stemmed roses isn't vastly different--or even at all different--from a dozen fresh-cut roses. The stakes are higher at the end. Seems like the prize should be bigger. Like "three dozen long-stemmed roses" or something.
02/21/2005 qualcomm: or a nosegay involving roses!
02/21/2005 Ewan Snow: Yeah, I got that; this character is a rip-off of that guy from Real World Paris, though, at least in that sense.
02/21/2005 qualcomm: yes, this character's relationship with roses was inspired by true events.
02/21/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Or better yet, a high-frequency, power-welder wrapped in a bouquet of roses.
02/21/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: I was gonna mention that, Snow, but then I thought I would be accused of being a pot-peeker or something.
02/21/2005 qualcomm: but that real world guy had an extra twist to his flower dementia: he thought they were the answer to any problems with girls, even if the relationship was platonic.
02/21/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Also, he didn't really buy the flowers, he just took credit for buying them.
02/21/2005 qualcomm: yeah, but during one of his confessionals, he was like, "i don't know what she wants from me. like i'm supposed to wine and dine her or buy her flowers or somethin'?"
02/21/2005 Jon Matza (5): Yes, brother.
02/25/2005 Dylan Danko (5): Yeah, I was real caring, real gentle.
02/25/2005 qualcomm: i will always fail to understand voting on this website
07/21/2005 Dylan Danko: Man, this was some good shit.
08/18/2005 Mr. Pony: This is my favorite short about Real World Paris.