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George Washington was chopping prices, which had uncannily materialized in the form of a dollar-sprouting cherry tree. For rebates this patriotic, he would surely re-cross the raging, ice-choked Delaware and weather the hell of Valley Forge all over again. We the people demand factory-to-dealer incentives, the founding father thought, grimly toiling in Mount Vernon's August heat. The tree creaked and fell to the earth, its crashing death-knell a catharsis in which the general formulated this profundity: he would sooner enter into a foreign alliance than pass up on deals this good.

Abraham Lincoln, physically incapable of telling a lie, had examined the self-evidently awesome figures and come away astonished; the Union had not seen a better deal in some four score and seven years. It was an emancipation of sorts, from the slavery of high interest rates. Dedicated was he to the proposition that all men are created equally keen on amazing bargains. Accompanied by the loud sproing of a Jew's harp, Lincoln's hat flew off his head as the whizzing musket ball of zero percent APR caved in the back of his skull.

Date Written: February 16, 2005
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.40625

02/23/2005 Turgid (5):
02/23/2005 Will Disney: Dude, this is a little dated, no? I mean, President's Day was two days ago, already.
02/23/2005 scoop: Is this Earth-Lincoln, or the sentinet silicon-based Lincoln concoction conjured by the Excalbians to participate in a galactic experiment in this thing you call Good and Evil?
02/23/2005 Will Disney (4): nice closer.
02/23/2005 Jon Matza (4): Well done, Matza.
02/23/2005 Litcube: Need I be more familiar with American history to understand this short/find this short funny?
02/23/2005 Ewan Snow (5): No, litcube, you need to be more familiar with low budget local car dealership President's Day commercials.
02/23/2005 Ewan Snow: President's Day Sale, that is.
02/23/2005 Litcube: Ah!
02/23/2005 TheBuyer (5): Second sentence cracked me up.
02/23/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): The last sentence is killer. Killer.
02/23/2005 The Rid (4):
02/23/2005 Mr. Pony (5): Almost not this, but this nonetheless.
02/23/2005 Jawbreaker (4):
02/23/2005 Phony Millions (4):
02/23/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): Enjoyable!
02/23/2005 Mr. Pony: Look at all those revenge fours! qualcomm, how do you stand it?
02/23/2005 anonymous: i know. i'm 100% sick of this crap.
02/23/2005 John Slocum: a nice piece of work.
02/23/2005 Jon Matza: Fuck, I just reread this and realized I should've indeed given it a five. Sorry about that. This is great. However I do feel "We the people demand factory-to-dealer incentives" should be in italics for sweet clarity's sake.
02/23/2005 anonymous: i will murder you.
02/23/2005 anonymous: disney, from here on out, if you vote or comment on any of my shorts, i'm going to 1-star one of yours. i don't care what you say, or how you vote. i am no longer interested in your opinion, and i will punish you if you subject me to it. let you other fucks take note.
02/23/2005 Will Disney: okay!
02/24/2005 cuntry: so well-crafted that i'm tempted to punish it for being too thoroughly thought through. but that wouldn't be right. right?
02/24/2005 John Slocum (4): This is excellent, but there are a few things that stay my hand from delivering the 5-spot. There are a few things that make the first 'graf a little tricky to read, ie. what matza said about italics for the 'we the people' line. I think it should be: 'for rebates this patriotic,' also for more ease. The second 'graf is 80 times better, the first one reads a bit like acme-by-numbers. Best line: 'Dedicated was he to the proposition that all men are created equally keen on amazing bargains.' Great flow there. Fuck you, Slocum.
02/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: No, cuntry. Punish it. Punish away.
02/24/2005 qualcomm: i think you've done enough with your revenge 4, jimson.
02/24/2005 cuntry (5): 4/5 but too many 4's are not as good as this. i do however feel that there is something to be apprecviated in shorts that feel as though they came out all in one fit of manic writing rather than those that are "crafted".
02/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: There's something to be admired in both, doncha think, cuntry. I think I initially was disappointed with the premise, but after the third time I read it I was wishing I'd 5'd it, despite the author.
02/24/2005 qualcomm: that is a horrible thing to say. now you owe me two stars, damn you. and i shall extract them!
02/24/2005 Dylan Danko: I know what you mean, Jimson. I want to give this a four but I'm so tempted to two it. I better just leave it alone.
02/24/2005 qualcomm: it's funny how self-righteous you are about your complete lack of objectivity.
02/24/2005 Dylan Danko: Yes, it's hilarious.
02/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Ah, but at least he's not self-righteous about his objectivity. His offense is way more charming.
02/24/2005 qualcomm: charming. you douche.
02/24/2005 Mr. Pony: cuntry, I would argue with you on your point. If anything, I think this short is good on purely technical merits--the jokes come across as carefully constructed and fully thought out. That's why I almost foured it--it hides it well, but this short has no soul.
02/24/2005 qualcomm: it does too have a soul. built it myself, out of all metal parts.
02/24/2005 qualcomm: by the way, pony, cuntry wasn't citing this short as an example of a vomited-out short. quite the opposite. see her initial comment for proper context.
02/24/2005 Mr. Pony: I see that she agrees with me then!
02/25/2005 Dylan Danko (4):
03/7/2005 deliciousbrains (5):
07/12/2005 scoop (4.5): Expert blend of Lincolnian cliches and blowout bonanza mill-you.