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Dear readers: it turns out that James A. Michener's West Hartford is a better title for a short than it is a short. Also, I don't really like inside shorts. So I wrote a different one. You can find the failed Michener short on the Message Board. My gift... to you.


Praise Jesus! Praise the Lord! Anyone out there with back pain or cancer, approach me now! Come forward, my faithful, TOUCHHH! TOUCHHHH! Receive the gift! Kidney ailments! TOUCHHHH! Let Jesus burn away your pain! Yes! Yes! Yes! Praise GOD! Praise Him! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Whew! All right! Heeee! Now, some folks have come to me and asked, "Dougie, how did you come to be the number one miracle healer in the United States?" Well, let me tell you, I didn't learn it at divinity school! No sir! Ha ha ha! TOUCHHHH!

I'm going to share something with you. Something I've never shared before. Last November I had a vision. The Spirit of the Lord beckoned to me. And I followed Him to a strange and lofty place, an infinite corridor, with countless doors on either side. At first, I thought, "Whoah, I'm back at my job with Allstate Insurance!" Ha ha ha! No, no, I'm just kidding now, praise the Lord. Praise Him, yes, He loves a good joke too.

I understood in my heart that the Lord wanted me to choose my door from among the multitudes. And on the other side would be His revelation of my divine path! I was scared, people, praise the Lord, I was petrified. I called out to the Spirit! I said, "Help me, Lord, which door should I choose?" Well, the Lord has a heck of a poker face, folks. He didn't say a word.

I reached toward one of the knobs and it was as hot as hellfire, ladies and gentleman! In my arrogance, in my pride, I thought the Spirit had made a mistake! I wasn't ready to choose my destiny! But I was a fool! My own doubt is what burned! LOOK AT MY PALM AND SEE! I am marked now with the brand of my own miserable hubris, so that I'll never forget His beautiful mercy! TOUCHHHH! TOUCHHHHH!

Do you think the Lord leaves a single solitary thing to chance? He knows where you'll be before you get there, He knows what you'll say before you say it, He knows what you'll think before you think it! Praise the Lord! Yes! Yes! Yes! I knew then the Lord had already given me all the tools I needed to find my place! Praise the Lord! I felt the courage of the Lamb enter me!

I walked on and watched, and suddenly... I knew. Folks, I just knew when I had arrived at the right place. I turned a doorknob made of pure diamond and walked inside. It was misty there, people. The light was obscured, and an otherworldly sound vibrated in the air. I felt my way forward, barely able to see the hand in front of my face. And there, there in the very center of this supernatural aerie... was Katherine Schultzmann!

Date Written: February 16, 2005
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 2.125

02/24/2005 Will Disney: Did you mean: Katherine Saltzman?
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow: Groan. What is this short in aid of? Is it really as boring as it seems, or am I missing something? Is there a reason I shouldn't give it, say, a two?
02/24/2005 TheBuyer (2): Please see Mark McKinney, The Preacher Character here.
02/24/2005 anonymous: Who is Katherine Saltzman? Ewan, yes, you're missing something. Also, you are being very, very insulting!
02/24/2005 Will Disney: I was just trying to figure out what this short is about.
02/24/2005 anonymous: Yeah, I know.
02/24/2005 Will Disney: Then why'd you ask, smart guy?
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow: Actually, I'm not being insulting. I'm a)allowing for the possibility that I don't get it, b)allowing the author or others to point out its merits, and c) making a thoughtful, conciliatory expression as I type.
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow: Oh, and d)when/if I give it a low vote, I won't punctuate it with "fu, this sucks".
02/24/2005 anonymous: Disney, I was hoping to lead you to ask the right questions. But clearly, while Ewan is thoughtful enough to wear a conciliatory expression while he types, your eyes are wide open in what qualcomm might call "bulging, muppety incomprehension."
02/24/2005 anonymous: TOUCHHHH!
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow: so, am I really missing something, or are you just saying that to trick me? I read this as a longish faith-healer shtick culminating in a shaggy-dog-like non sequitur. Please tell me if this is incorrect. Cuz if not, I'd say both the faith-healer shtick and the non sequitur are unfun.
02/24/2005 anonymous: Yes, I am trying to trick you. Are you tricked?
02/24/2005 anonymous: But you are incorrect: the non sequitur is a gas!
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow (2): I was until you admitted it. I'm gonna give this two, due to its sub-orbital concept. The faith-healer thing has been parodied a million times, and was an easy target to begin with. The ending was unexpected but considering the setup, didn't do much for this gentle reader.
02/24/2005 anonymous: Ha ha ha ha ha!
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow: I don't find this very funny. I take my job as reader/voter quite seriously and I'm not quite sure why you are laughing.
02/24/2005 The Rid: I like the failed Michener short better.
02/24/2005 anonymous: Anyone out there with back pain or cancer?
02/24/2005 anonymous: Holy shit, that first graf is a tour de force.
02/24/2005 Ewan Snow: How so?
02/24/2005 anonymous: 1) The fact that he specifically calls for back pains and cancer, as if that's all he can heal. 2) TOUCHHHH! 3) The maniacal laughter at the end. Reads well out loud.
02/24/2005 Jon Matza (2): Tough row to hoe, author, parodying something that's patently ridiculous in the first place and has been parodied so often. This short seems to share that fatal SNL view--the more hyper/manic the expense of energy, the funnier it must be.
02/24/2005 Sergio: The gag is not in the short but in the amount of effort the author got us to put into it for 0 payoff. I bet everybody spent 10 minutes trying to find out why it was funny...
02/24/2005 scoop (3): Hey, it's not great but it's at least two stars better than that translucent, odorless pile of shit Jimson dropped on us a couple days ago. I am, by the way, weraing a brash, swashbuckling look on my face as I type.
02/24/2005 Benny Maniacs (3): Lerpa?
02/24/2005 Phony Millions (2): Scoop, you should quit while you're ahead with your weird enmity towards Jimson's short: you made your point already. Sergio's 6:01 comment helped me here; he's probably right. But we won't know because the author is being a little coy about his intentions, which he's entitled to be. I will assume that Sergio was correct and the punchline was meant to me an anti-climatic affair. The effect of the anti-climax on me is annoyance - I feel like someone's been trying to manipulate me into finishing what was already a tepid short, although it had some funny moments. Thus, what would have been a three becomes a two.
02/24/2005 anonymous: One day you will see the error of your ways on this one. That is, if any of you mental retards is capable of growth.
02/25/2005 John Slocum (1): the morning short was at least 1 star better than this pile of shit.
02/25/2005 John Slocum: Brad: I don't think Scoop has a wierd enmity towards Jimson's short, although clearly he didn't like it. My guess is Scoop has moved on from that short. He doesn't think about it anymore. I think the comment below was designed to goad Snow-Diddy.
02/25/2005 Dylan Danko (2): I haven't read this one yet. I assume it's pretty bad.