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Carlotta held her great, fluffy tuchus in the air. It was buffing time, and the assmaid took to the task with great zeal—perhaps more than was necessary. Folds of tulle framed the gleaming flesh like the petals of a flower.

Carlotta was known far (and especially wide) for her magnificent heinie which was thought to hold great secrets. Cryptometrists had been visiting her since her 12th birthday. Lines and lines of wizened men snaked out of the modest stone cottage and down the lane. Each would emerge more sweat-soaked than the last, his great pensive brow furrowed in consternation. And each would return again the next day, hoping to unravel the butt’s true meaning. It had more crevices and cubbies than any other bum in four counties. Salami? Hell, you could hide an entire boiled dinner in there, and still have room for cobbler! It was mesmerizing. She made little boys of every scholar in the kingdom, so deep and undulating were her secrets. Folds and folds of them. Dollops of pure shimmering mystery. As the years passed, these only seemed to grow more complex with layers of pithy skin and meringuey cellulite. But any hope of decoding Carlotta’s caboose was nearly lost now.

Jezabelle, the assmaid, dipped the corner of her rag in a pot of lanolin and poppy seeds, held it to the revered ass, and rubbed. She had now been at it for most of the morning. With each swirl of her cloth, another month of poopy mystery disappeared.

Date Written: February 21, 2005
Author: Jimson S. Sorghum
Average Vote: 3.5

02/28/2005 qualcomm (2):
02/28/2005 Mr. Positive: I don't think this short is very good, but gosh golly gee, the imagery is specific, and that's something to be proud of!
02/28/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Hell, I laughed...
02/28/2005 Will Disney: it's nice imagery
02/28/2005 Jon Matza (4): 'wizened men' & 'consternation' were jet-pak.
02/28/2005 Phony Millions (3): Good but a little oppressively over-descriptive for me. Example:'meringuey cellulite.'
02/28/2005 qualcomm: let's not forget 'lanolin' and 'scholar in the kingdom'.
02/28/2005 The Rid (3):
02/28/2005 Partytime: This ass is an awful lot like those sandworms on Dune.
02/28/2005 Ewan Snow: I thought "meringuey cellulite" was funny.
02/28/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): 3, +1 for the lovely descriptions.
02/28/2005 Jawbreaker (4): Yeah, the descriptions make this short.
02/28/2005 Phony Millions: Beauty is in the ass of the beholder.
02/28/2005 TheBuyer (5): Two totally different, consecutive ass stories, both of them made me laugh.
02/28/2005 scoop (2): A weak, bland recycling of old acme tone and madcap subject matter, eg QC's Egyptolgist, Snow's Pascal Devonshire, with none of the joyous surreality and weirdness. Descriptions muddled, idea shapeless, lustre waning, waning...
02/28/2005 Litcube: This one's ALL OVER THE MAP!
02/28/2005 anonymous: Hey, QC, what's your beef with "lanolin" & "kingdom."
02/28/2005 qualcomm: nothing, i was just rankling matza's chancre -- his citation of 'wizened men' and 'consternation' is mysterious to me. i don't see how they're worthy of note, so i picked two other items at random.
03/1/2005 Jon Matza: Oh, I missed that. I mentioned those word-modules because of the comedy sensors they trigger within the short consumer.
03/1/2005 John Slocum (4): Let's not forget 'Tuchus' and 'Heinie' in the wrap up of funny words. Those are very silly words. Very silly. Sillier than wizened.