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In the field before him, Dr. Fisk, geologist, was held entranced by his team excavating a diamond pipe. A hundred and twenty miles below the earth's mantel, she had, in technical terms, been a slow comer, but by the time her super-heated fluids and minerals had reached the earth's surface, she had spewed up and spluttered her jewels at Mach 2 all over the countryside. The more Dr. Fisk examined her opening, the more he liked what he saw.

The odds of diamonds appearing in any given pipe are about a hundred to one. Carbon will crystallize in its densest form only under extraordinary conditions of heat and pressure. And here it was, spewed out across the meadow, like so much rich, fertile seamen jettisoned deep from a young woman's throat.

The gems are known as Kimberlite, the matrix rock of diamonds. Come to think of it, he would name her (as is customary in this line of work): "Kimberly", after Kimberlite. Kimberly, his little diamond pipe: passive, long since dormant, yet somehow imbued with a history of action, in a Laura Palmer sort of way. Kimberly.

Dr. Fisk could bare it no more. He ran out across the clearing, took his field pants down, and started humping that diamond pipe. For some reason he was wearing a stethoscope, which he kept placing on the ground, listening for something while he plugged away. Mamumbo, one of the native hired hands, had been thinking of doing something similar, but now that he saw someone else doing it, he was glad he hadn't.

Date Written: February 21, 2005
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3

02/28/2005 Ewan Snow: I don't see why he couldn't "bare" it. Also, I was truly shocked when Dr. Fisk started humping the hole, and even more so by the "hey, here's a pointless detail to include at the end" joke.
02/28/2005 qualcomm: are you talking about the stethoscope? i thought that was easily the best gag in the picture.
02/28/2005 scoop (2): I can't wait for Mamumbo's story on another day, like, 1000 freaking years from now.
02/28/2005 qualcomm (3): almost a four for my ass.
02/28/2005 Ewan Snow: No, I was talking about Mamumbo.
02/28/2005 TheBuyer: How big is a standard size diamond pipe versus a stadard size 'humpable' orafice? Is the joke here that the Dr. AND Mamumbo have dicks the size of Volvos?
02/28/2005 Jon Matza (3): Not sure I see the point of all the specialized/italicized science factoids & jargon here given that the jokes reside elsewhere. Consequently this leaves the impression of the author showing off his knowledge of geology (still worse, under the guise of educating the reader). How in good conscience am I supposed to let this go unpunished?
02/28/2005 qualcomm: i think the 'educating the reader' tone was one of the jokes. the italics made the narrator sound pedantic, purposely, i believe.
02/28/2005 Jon Matza: Hmm...if true, my apologies to the author. Awfully dry, though, you have to admit.
02/28/2005 TheBuyer (4):
02/28/2005 Phony Millions (3): Yes, the 'educating the reader' thing I felt as a joke as well. The best part for me was the second to last line. Mamumbo's stupid aspect breaks the tone just when it is getting to be too much. If only there wasn't the last line after! The last line sounds self-congratulatory and brings the narrator into the picture when I didn't want his presence, deflating this to a three for me.
03/1/2005 TheBuyer: I keep reading your new handle as 'Pony Maniacs'.
03/1/2005 John Slocum (3): average maniacs.
03/1/2005 Benny Maniacs (1): Is that raw average maniacs or adjusted?
03/2/2005 John Slocum: rawdjusted average.