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In the murkiest depths of the Indian Ocean there lives a chilling sea monster known as the Great Fish-Beast of Calcutta.

Just exactly how terrifying is this legendary creature of the deep? Oh, not very...

...unless maybe it scares you that people who see it occasionally wind up going totally mental!

For starters, the Fish-Beast swims upside-down, which is plenty fear-inspiring in itself, n’est pas*? Granted, its body is upside-down too, so it just looks like a normal fish swimming along. But don't get too comfortable just yet...

...because it has rows of sharp teeth that can rip clean through a plankton steak in just five hours.

(Anybody scared yet?)

Too bad, 'cause the nightmare still ain't over--as you'll discover when I tell you it also kind of glows in the dark! Translation: intravenous dose of terror serum turbo-injected into the deepest part of your dread zone.

You want more? Then how 'bout this: it also has petrifying, slightly larger than average gills.

In summary, the Great Fish-Beast of Calcutta is (to put it bluntly) the most loathsome of all ocean dwellers. If you never meet it consider yourself a "happy camper"...

...because, as I say, it is very, very bad!

* I am a fucking loser.

Date Written: February 22, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.9

03/2/2005 Litcube: That footnote extracted pants shitting laughter. So did the third paragraph. 0.51 shy of a 5 due to the latter one-liners hot hitting as hard as those of the former.
03/2/2005 Litcube (5): However, 0.51 docked if you don't believe pants shitting laughter makes up a lot of ground!
03/2/2005 TheBuyer (5): N'est pas.
03/2/2005 Will Disney: N'est-ce pas
03/2/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: I assumed the misspelling was what made the author a loser(*).
03/2/2005 The Rid: Five stars? Really? Is this just because the first short of the day was so bad that anything not-shitty is rewarded with a finski?
03/2/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): I laughed. It's just so silly.
03/2/2005 Jawbreaker (4): I thought this sounded like a bad infomercial.
03/2/2005 Dylan Danko (5): 4 plus a one for my vote on your previous short.
03/2/2005 John Slocum (4): excellent fun.
03/2/2005 Partytime: Dude its a submarine!! Psych!! Well, whatever it is, could some artist dude draw the calcutta fish beast reproducing by shooting dangerously round, scaldingly warm, abrasively slimey eggs into Sarah Jessica Parker's various orifices. Or any variation. You know, keep the 'ty rollin'.
03/2/2005 scoop (2):
03/2/2005 Klause Muppet (4):
03/2/2005 The Rid (2):
03/2/2005 Phony Millions (4): This is more classic Matza style, with the inane voice of the author that always makes me laugh. Funny for me, 'n'est pas' and 'I am a fucking loser', what the fellows below liked, kept it from being a five for me - they seemed more labored than the rest, more self-aware, just the way I was reading it, and interrupted the funny flow a bit for me. All in all really good though.
03/2/2005 qualcomm: fonebone expresses my sentiments exactly. though i wouldn't have fived this even without said offending lines. this has a sandleresque zany cutesiness that almost cloys. this is the type of short that would allow you to finger drew barrymore. still, it is cute. real cute. debating three or four. will allow time to show me the way.
03/2/2005 qualcomm:
03/2/2005 Phony Millions: Ha!
03/3/2005 John Slocum: Matza Trifecta on the Author's page today! Lotsa Matza, guy with the big Kielbasa, etc.