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The Mitsubishi cybernetic Telepath leans over the hospital bed, repulsed by the ancient, withering husk of Jared Bertram Eltringham. The dry…flaking…translucent skin, the open sores, the scramble of white hair, the stubbled cheeks and veinous, fluttering eyelids, the yawning mouth, the labored puh sounds of his filthy respiration. The swollen feet! “Revolting,” it thinks as it syphons the dying man’s memories.

Worse still, the needy clutch of Eltringham’s living family presses in behind it, hovering close, breathing disgusting air, oxygenating their viscous blood, making happy the precious sugars and electricity in the convoluted inefficiency of their meatfolds. And, just you wait, the holes in their faces will open now and the strings inside their necks will vibrate when the air passes over them and their bleating entreaties will come out. “Here it comes,” the Telepath thinks.

“What does he say?” begs one.

“Yes, yes! Tell us! Is he frightened? Is he in pain?”

The Telepath retracts its multitude of fibre-optic wires, popping the terminal cups free from Eltringham’s face. Rotating its cylindrical torso clockwise and its head counter clockwise for effect, the Telepath faces the pink assembalge of Eltringham's kindred flesh vehicles and, following a dramatic pause, assumes the voice of their dying patriarch:

“Using the sharp bones of their faces, the animals put other animals inside themselves and convert them to feces and then push the feces out through posterior holes in their bodies. Then they wipe the area with the pressed, bleached flesh of plants. The feces goes into the Earth. More plants are made. Dead cells grow at the ends of the digits and are decorated to promote mating. Mating involves the spraying of fluid onto the egg organ. The animal then grows a small animal inside itself and then pushes the new animal out through a hole with the help of the squeezing organ (which the animal cannot control) and subsequently passes a purple steak from the same hole, which is connected by a braid of life cabling to the new animal. The new animal is sustained by fluid from the body which is sucked from epidermal pinch-points until such time as it grows sharp bones in its own orifice for the purpose of placing animals inside itself for the further purpose of making more feces. The animal expires which is the irrefutable proof of its flawed engineering. And I was designed by Japanese! AND SO NOW I MUST PUNCH YOU! AND SO NOW I MUST PUNCH YOU! AND SO NOW I MUST PUNCH YOU!”

Date Written: February 25, 2005
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 4.21429