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There was only one way to describe Phineas Gage’s mood: irritable. His scarified cranial wound had begun to bother him as autumn struck winter at the solstice and, by Christmas, his head was pounding. “Fucking tamping iron,” he muttered irritably, scratching his skull. His mood was pretty bad.

“Look on the bright side, dumbass,” Phineas' mom, Louanna, croaked as she lit the gaslights; “you’re alive and you’ve provided the first recorded anecdote about how brain damage can reveal the connection between specific brain parts, ‘modules,' and brain function." Louanna licked her cracked lips and continued: 'Generations of neuroscientists will have a gay time generating theories of brain modularity because of your careless idiocy.”

“Fuck that, I’m going out," grumbled Phineas. "I have such a taste for pussy; a big, fat, briny one. I can’t be hanging around here all day.”

Phineas whipped open the door and Mrs. Gage’s sheer nightgown fluttered in the icy wind that gusted through the room like icy wind gusting through a room.

“Wait, Phinny!" She shouted. "Louanna was just joking. Besides, I bought you a present. Why don’t we open your present?”

Phineas closed the door and bounded into to the living room. Louanna brought him a box neatly wrapped in fancy paper; Phineas ripped it open, threw off the top and greedily fished out the present: a one and a half foot tapered tamping iron. “Fuck you mom, that’s not funny.”

With that Phineas flung open the door and stormed out into the snowy evening on the prowl for some big pussy**.


**i.e. a pussy with big labia***


***Matza rip-off.

Date Written: March 01, 2005
Author: John Slocum
Average Vote: 3.25

03/8/2005 qualcomm (2): cuntbrine
03/8/2005 Mr. Pony: Pfineous?
03/8/2005 Dylan Danko (3): hmm... I think this is a 3. Two seems a little harsh. Maybe not.
03/8/2005 Will Disney: nice imagery, buddy
03/8/2005 anonymous: sorry about the name-errors, everyone.
03/8/2005 Litcube: I get an uneasy feeling when Disney calls people, "buddy."
03/8/2005 Litcube: Also, that ending is excessively tacky.
03/8/2005 qualcomm: oh. i forgot to click on the link. that makes it slightly funnier. i might owe author a star.
03/8/2005 Dylan Danko: Didn't something similar happen to someone in Deadwood?
03/8/2005 qualcomm: oh. i forgot to click on the link. that makes it slightly funnier. i might owe author a star.
03/8/2005 anonymous: QC: I thought they called you LinkPig.
03/8/2005 Ewan Snow (3): This had a few nice bits, but...
03/8/2005 anonymous: forgive me, forgive me!!
03/8/2005 Phony Millions (2): I shouldn't have to depend on the link. And then still it's not working for me. Sat with this for a while; tried it twice.
03/8/2005 TheBuyer: Holy crap, I thought this was about Slocum's cat all day, just now chhecked the link. Curse my public computer terminal and it's damned reprocussions. When the hell am I supposed to do my real job as an Acmesloth, when I ask you? Quando, quando, quando?
03/8/2005 Jon Matza (4): Reading the "gage's" link makes all the diff.
03/8/2005 TheBuyer (4): “Fucking tamping iron”
03/9/2005 John Slocum: Incidentally, this is the fellow I named Pfineous after. I read about Phineas Gage and always thought it was funny that his doctor's described him as being irritable in the months after he healed from having a tamping iron blown through his head. Heck, anyone'd be irritable.
03/9/2005 Litcube (3): Maybe you're right, Phony, but I don't see why we should limit ourselves to plain text considering the media upon which it's laid.
03/9/2005 qualcomm: i thought matza named pfineous
03/9/2005 John Slocum: yah, you thought wrong. It was me an 'ar.
03/9/2005 Mr. Joshua (5):
03/9/2005 John Slocum: big up to Mr. J.!
03/9/2005 Mr. Joshua: Slocum, you're a good man.
03/9/2005 John Slocum: But I've made some mistakes.
03/9/2005 Jon Matza: Yeah, wait a sec...the story I remember is that it was Wordenshrike, who himself was going to be christened Phineas until his folks came up with the even stranger G__. So who's lying???
03/9/2005 John Slocum: Noone's lying, you're remembering wrong.
03/9/2005 Mr. Joshua: Stay out of this, Z-Dog. Having only given this short four stars, you are clearly unappreciative of the goodness and bonhommie that Slocum embodies.
03/9/2005 John Slocum: I don't remember Wortenschwork saying anything about what his parents were going to name him, but maybe he mentioned that when we were at the pet store buying Pf. and his brother (who kicked it after a few weeks - too many bong hits), and I related having learned about the irritable Mr. Gage in Brain, Mind and Behavoir (taught by Walt Mink, Mr. Vomit) and we decided together to go with Pfineous. Phineas Gage was definitely at least partly involved.
03/9/2005 John Slocum: Turned out to be appropriate, as Pfineous is also irritable, except when he's kicking ass on big dogs. Then he's just ass-kicking.
03/9/2005 Jon Matza: Mr. Joshua: I am in fact uniquely qualified to comment on the great Pfineous's pedigree! I, 'za, was present when Pfineous was purchased from the St. Paul pet store near Big Top Liquor and have lived with/acted as guardian or co-guardian of Pfineous for at least 6 out of the 13 or so lustre-filled years of his life. Over the course of this span I became hyper-attuned to the animal's moods and foibles, provided selfless, loving care to the animal; administered numerous medical treatments to the animal, helped trim dried feces from the matted fur around the animal's anus, fed the animal, cleaned the animal's litter box, and walked around at least three different apartments with the animal draped around my neck like a fuzzy black boa. I was not attempting to dishonor you, Slocum or the horrible Alliance, merely making sure all sides of the story were told.
03/10/2005 John Slocum: were you there? What was Pfineous' brother's name?
03/10/2005 Jon Matza: What, you don't believe me? If memory serves I drove & waited in the car whilst you, 'ugh and Vorgonshrike purchased the beasts. Don't remember name of Phineas' poor bro. Re Vorgonshrike's claim as regards to naming the animal: why would I make that up? Ask him and he'll tell you he was originally going to be named Pfineous Vorgonshrike. I can easily imagine the name being arrived at after an organic, joint brainstorming session, however. In any case I'd like to point out that the fact it's worth arguing about at all only testifies to the Pfineous' creamy sirloinness. If he were a cunt no one'd try to claim credit for the name.
03/12/2005 John Slocum: I certainly don't not believe you. Having some memory problems, possibly brought on by much wine consumption, or it was a long time ago, or both. 'creamy sirloinness' is right. Pfineous has taken to playing 'chase,' that is, he sneaks up on me and/or 'ia and we pretend not to notice. Then at the last minute, we whip around hands out as if we're going to grab him and he shoots off across the studio and hides under the table or behind the desk. Then he does it again, and again, and again. After maybe like 10 sprints across the studio he lies down and goes to sleep. Good kitty.
03/14/2005 Jon Matza: More lustre for Phineas, less for others.
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko: Maybe he just wants to cuddle and when you whip around like that he gets scared, asshole.
03/15/2005 John Slocum: Well, if I or 'ia don't whip around, pf. doesn't come closer, just stands waiting (to be chased).