home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


“I’m glad you brought this in today. Tell me, what do you know about this piece?”

“Well, my wife, or rather, her father lived in France. He was the one who gave it to us. We don’t know anything about it except he said it’s a Picasso.”

“Now, I see a lot of these in here and normally, we don’t see a high value on them because it’s difficult to prove authenticity. But you have this wonderful documentation. Here we see a photograph, apparently of Picasso taking a dump in a bed pan in his studio in Paris. We’ve seen other photographs of this studio and of Picasso’s ass, so it’s immediately recognizable. And here he signs it Picasso and if we smell the signature and look closely, we can see it is signed in poop. Now you could take it to a specialist in early twentieth century European poop and he’d be able to match it with the wonderful turd you brought in. So really you have something very unusual, because you probably will be able to document this as an authentic Picasso turd.”

“That’s wonderful. I knew it was a real turd, but it’s nice to know it’s Picasso’s”

“Not so fast. Let’s smell the turd. It doesn’t have a strong odor. This is one of the clues we use when we try to think about the value of a turd. The reason it doesn’t smell is that it’s been shellacked and sometimes that can affect the value. Now, if you had a documented Picasso turd in its original condition we’d be looking at, in a well advertised auction, anywhere from twelve to fifteen thousand dollars. But because it’s been shellacked, it’s worth nothing. It’s just an old turd.”

“Well thank you very much. I just wanted to find out more about it”

“I’m sorry to break the news about the value.”

“That’s okay. We don’t plan to sell it of course. We’re gonna keep it in the family.”

“Yeah, but it’s not worth anything. It’s just a turd.”

“We like it anyway.”

“You shouldn’t.”

Date Written: March 02, 2005
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.2353

03/10/2005 qualcomm (4): the ending sure saved this
03/10/2005 Phony Millions (4): Ditto!
03/10/2005 Will Disney: i think it's well executed
03/10/2005 Dylan Danko (5): Eh, what the hell. Five.
03/10/2005 Dick Vomit (4): Last 4 lines.
03/10/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: I think this is a mistake. Hasn't it been posted before?
03/10/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): Enjoyed to a degree, and indeed the last four lines saved it.
03/10/2005 Klause Muppet (4): I could hear the Appraiser's uppity tone the whole time. I like it.
03/10/2005 Mr. Pony (4):
03/10/2005 Litcube (4): I laughed. Agree with Klause, Disney, Dylan. It helps to imagine the tone of the appraiser. 4.389
03/10/2005 Litcube: Also agree w/ Streif re last four lines.
03/10/2005 Shomer Shabbas (4): I prefer 'turd' over 'poop' anyday. Luckily those last few lines went with the former or ending would have been much...crappier.
03/10/2005 Jon Matza (4): I, Matza, liked the ending too!!!
03/10/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4):
03/10/2005 Blister Buddy (4): Good dual motive, author - you've left everyone praising your end. 4 plus corn.
03/10/2005 John Slocum (5): I slocum also liked the ending!! But heck, I enjoyed the whole thing. Well spun, good read, etc. Laughed out loud at the delicious ending.
03/10/2005 BOOTIEANDTHEHOFISH (4): 357magnum word
describe the turd
a cubist dump
Picasso's Paris rump
a little shellack
they treat it like crap

End all oppression now! Boots
03/10/2005 TheBuyer (5): Ending is funny but I laughed at "Picasso taking a dump", I don't know why. See? I'm laughing right now while I'm typing this. "Picasso taking a dump".
03/10/2005 Jawbreaker (5):
03/10/2005 The Rid (5):