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I was Atilla the hun, only in a bikini. I'd just finished spending time on the Special Sofa with Miranda, the Sultry Secretary, and in a few minutes it would be time for my session with David, who'd paid thousands for the therapy. I took a hit of the nurse's joint and asked the errand boy to fetch my gloves and, you know, better bring a few extra rolls of film. The space was fantastic. People were really getting comfortable. The whole thing just felt right. There was a groove. It was close.

And then, "I have something for you," goes Sparkletwina.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ on toast. She had something for me. Why do I always do this? Why do I always shit on the cupcake? Why do I always invite someone who just can't get it, can't fucking feel what we're going for? Do I have to endure this emotional turmoil drag myself back through the fucking past and waddle through the halls of my motherfucking MIDDLE SCHOOL and relive the pain of the fucking laugh cirlce of cheerleading cunts giggling over Barry's god damed ass muscles and everything every god damned time and so what if I walked up and added the god damned joke that came a beat too late and they all just shut up and cleared their bitchy, cum guzzling bubblicious lips, thinkiing, "Let's just cough through the silence here until sad cow rolls off down the hall to Chem Lab.

"Really? Sweetie, that's so great. What is it?"

"It's a lei. I think you need to have a Luau with David."

A fucking luau? Jesus cocking Jesus fucking hell. "Hey, great, baby. It's so pretty! Put it on me! FUCK YOUR FUCKING LUAU SAD FUCKING COW!"

Date Written: March 03, 2005
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 1.5

03/14/2005 qualcomm: what the hell is going on here
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko: Maybe Pony can help us out here.
03/14/2005 Dick Vomit: I think Dick Vomit wrote this stoned out of his god damned mind last night in an attempt to avoid demotion. Just a guess. Rough weekend.
03/14/2005 The Rid: Bleh.
03/14/2005 qualcomm (1): -1 for consuming illegal drugs. boo!
03/14/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: I don't get this one.
03/14/2005 Litcube: "This is a very interesting short," I said with my eyebrows raised, trying to smile.
03/14/2005 Dick Vomit (1): This is ass. No doubt.
03/14/2005 The Rid: Bleh.
03/14/2005 Jon Matza (1): Pig pile!
03/14/2005 Jon Matza: Note: I almost never indulge in one stars, but that long, soul-baring, angst-ridden Lester Bangsy run-on graf three triggered my fight-or-flight reflex.
03/14/2005 Mr. Pony: Dylan, I think the luau reference starts and ends with the word "Luau", if that's what you're asking. My goodness, just what is the author trying to do here? Usually I can start a comment with "I can appreciate what the author's trying to do here...". In this case, though, I can't say that! I love saying that! Dammit!
03/14/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: 'graph 3 was the best one, though.
03/14/2005 Dick Vomit: Za--I think it was supposed to make you feel that way, but I cannot in good conscience defend this short. I'd just ask for the community's kindness/restraint/mercy, etc. In the future, I will opt for the shame of demotion.
03/14/2005 Litcube: Is it so bad hanging out with us fucking losers for a week?
03/14/2005 Jon Matza: Hm. Sorry, though I too got stung recently for writing from an intentionally moronic POV. Tricky business. Re demotion, this raises an interesting question: is it more shameful to publish something second-rate or get demoted? I don't know what I think about this. "Thoughts"?
03/14/2005 Dylan Danko (2): Yes, Pony, yes. I know that. Go away. Not so sure I think this is a one.
03/14/2005 Ewan Snow (2): It is better to get demoted. As Litcube points out, the guest authors are fine folks; they've just run into a streak of bad luck is all, or maybe they're disadvantaged-like, not having the same opportunities that you and I have had during our formative years. Being in their company does not strip dignity from an author like writing a stinker does.
03/14/2005 John Slocum: Re: "is it more shameful to publish something second-rate or get demoted?"
Sloc's immediate reaction is it's more shameful to get demoted. Seems like one of the primary purposes of the so-called 'new cruelty' was to force the motivation for producing. Seems also like this 'new cruelty' would necessarily lead to some stinkers as people would be in the position to publish or cease to exist (ie get demoted). In the end, I think the 'new cruelty' probably does more good than bad, that is to say, it keeps people producing, which justifies the occasional stinker. I love the 'new cruelty.'
03/14/2005 Mr. Pony: Wait, so when you asked for my help, Dylan; what did you need? I'd be more than happy to assist you in any way I can.
03/14/2005 qualcomm: well, even if you'd let your demotion stick, this shitter would still be up, vomit. only on the guest page is all.
03/14/2005 John Slocum: yah, snow's wrong.
03/14/2005 Ewan Snow: No way!
03/14/2005 John Slocum: yes way (not really) (definitely) (maybe) (okay, I'm wrong)!
03/14/2005 Dick Vomit: Author's feelings at 2:12 PM: I can barely stomach reading through the comments on this thing (such is my shame). I just came home last night and thought, "Oh shit, short due!" Pumped this out. Felt bad then. Feel worse now.
03/14/2005 Mr. Pony: Dude, quit beating yourself up over it. We've all made bad snap judgments in the past. It's cool. It's just a short.
03/14/2005 Mr. Pony (2):
03/14/2005 Dick Vomit: thin skin....thin skin...
03/14/2005 The Rid (1): Again, bleh.
03/14/2005 Dick Vomit: suck it...suck it!!!
03/14/2005 Dick Vomit: Hey, I can hide this! That's a nice feature.
03/14/2005 Jon Matza: As I ONCE AGAIN WALKED ALL THE WAY TO WORK, CUTTING A LUSTRE-PACKED SWATH THROUGH THE BOWELS OF THE SEETHING METROPOLIS AND LEAVING AN AWE-STRUCK CITIZENRY IN MY WAKE, I was reflecting that in school a zero is more detrimental to one's semester average than an F, which suggests demotion should bear a heavier penalty. However I also agree with Snow that publishing something you don't fully believe in is more of a dignity-sapper in the greater scheme of things. Conclusion: demotion should be penalized numerically to a degree that damages one's average more heavily than a bad rating. (This has been discussed in the past w/out conclusion). However, publishing a shitter should result in a greater loss of interpersonal esteem among one's peers.
03/14/2005 Dick Vomit: [self-flagellating]
03/14/2005 TheBuyer: I can't one-star another author, it's too fucking weird. It's like accidently sacking your brother. Sure you just hit him in the balls but to that you have to touch his balls. His balls.
03/15/2005 John Slocum: asked the errand boy to fetch my gloves.
03/15/2005 Dick Vomit: CRAP