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My name is Gerald Durmursenton and I am a lurm addict.

I don’t care what anyone says: you never snurfed lurm you got no damn basis to judge lurm.

I hoovered my first lump of L in 1986. Didn't care for it, believe it or not. For years I only shanked when I couldn't get my hands on any mellow mints or crazy spinners. Wasn’t till my gig in Tarrytown I became a serious “mongoose”. The nights were long and cold out there and I had money to burn. Combine that with readily-available, Grade A lurm coming in from Togo (it was the early '90s) and you got a deadly combo.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I used to osmose three, four coils of lurm in a single binge. I’d stay cranberried out of my skull for 72 hours at a time, partying, dancing and talking nonsense to anyone who’d listen till finally my body couldn’t take it anymore and I’d literally collapse from exhaustion. I can’t tell you how many times I woke up in a warehouse with my hands shaking, blood coming out my eyes, all my money gone & a dead rabbit in the corner. Frankly, it’s a miracle I’m alive today.

Funny thing about being a lurm-lizard: you can still function in the rat race, but emotionally you become untouchable. Let's face it, that's one of the most appealing aspects of being a spindlehead: all the bullshit, the hypocrisy & the compromises of daily life are water off a duck's back. Long as you know where your next skein of L's coming from you're good.

Lurm plays funny tricks on a man. It becomes your best friend, your shrink and your lady-love rolled into one. It sings to you like a siren, beckons you over and whispers sweet nothings in your ear until you tell yourself it's the best thing that ever happened to you. Then one day you wake up to find you've lost your looks, the family's gone, there's a fish in your toilet and no more roast beef for Nanny. That’s when you look in the mirror and say, "I got a problem."

It has now been 2 years, 3 months and 17 days since I embarked on a lurm-free lifestyle.

Date Written: March 04, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.23333

03/16/2005 qualcomm (3): very "creative," but it just wasn't funny. feels like one of those one-page comedy bits they have in the new yorker. what do they call those?
03/16/2005 Will Disney: I appreciated the execution. This lurm stuff reminds me of slurm!
03/16/2005 anonymous: Sometimes I'm glad I stay up late. The things we do/have done when we get lurm-sick are important and there is probably a reason but I don't know what it could possibly be; ego, hubris maybe, it doesn't matter. Non-lurm-users have often accused me of acting like I know something that they don't - not lately, mind you, I'm a good man these days but back in the day, I was more than a twice accused of taking a superior tone for that reason. It was suggested that I behaved as if I held some immense secret, some romantic vision of dirty humans that the normals don't get to see, maybe a touch of holier-than-though designed to mask a confident shame locked into a lurmsick haze of self-rightousness. So what, I do know know know know something that you don't and I'm not telling. It's because the people who use enough lurm to get sick enough and are smart enough to know better discover a lot about themselves in those quiet moments of fragility. my anonymous five won't count but please consider it just as valid just the same.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Nice work, anon_a. I laughed at this. Yeah, it was just straightforward parody, but it was well done and had several funny bits. More or less nails the drugalog genre.
03/16/2005 qualcomm: you know, snow, i shouldn't tell you this, but "more or less" is your tell
03/16/2005 TheBuyer (4): Some of the jargon in this is funny as hell - i really like 'spindlehead' and 'cranberried'.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: "More or less" is a tick, but not a tell. It doesn't tell anything, other than the lack of variety in my qualifying phrases. Also, it’s called “Shouts & Murmurs”, you idiot! How could anybody be so stupid?
03/16/2005 qualcomm: well, it doesn't tell anything specific, but i think it indicates obfuscation of some kind. more or less, you fucking, fucking asshole.
03/16/2005 Dylan Danko: QC, you think Snow wrote this?
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: Dylan, you retarded person, qualcomm was referring to my comment, not the short. How come you're so completely stupid as to be mistaken about that?
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: Qualcomm: No, not obfuscation, you moron, merely hedging qualification. It doesn't perfectly nail the drugalog genre, but "sort of", "almost", "kinda", "practically" and "more or less" nails it. Can you not tell the difference between unimaginative word choice and obfuscation? How could you not know precisely what was going through my mind as I used those words? Are you really that dumb? You already admitted you were wrong about it being a tell, what stupid thing will you say next? Just curious.
03/16/2005 Mr. Pony: Take it easy, Ewan. You're not the only one with feelings, you know, Ewan.
03/16/2005 qualcomm: no, snow, if you look on betvite, you'll see dylan was correct. i was saying that your use of "more or less" indicates some kind of obfuscation to me. in this case, i would guess that that obfuscation is your pretending you didn't write this short.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: Don't worry, Pony, I was just joking.
03/16/2005 Mr. Pony (3): I think I'm with qualcomm on this one. I like it as a study, of sorts.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: In that case, you must be a total moron. Only an idiot would think I wrote this. That's right, it's not just an incorrect guess on your part, but a symptom of Downs Syndrome. (I didn't write it, and assume it's Matza.) Further, I must be suffering from mental retardation as well, because I mistakenly thought Dylan was incorrect, which, like all mistakes, is a classic symptom of stupidity.
03/16/2005 Mr. Pony: Ewan, if you're trying to parody qualcomm's mean persona, why are you using your own voice, saying the stuff you normally say? I mean, from a comedy standpoint, it's kind of weird. Maybe if you stopped using capital letters it would help you get your point across. Just trying to help out. Carry on.
03/16/2005 qualcomm: yeah, and why are you using that genuine, bitter snowbile, instead of my much more patently absurd commrage?
03/16/2005 Dylan Danko: All i know is I AM RIGHT!!! Oh, and you will all die soon.
03/16/2005 The Rid (5):
03/16/2005 qualcomm: (by the way, i urge everyone to vote exactly as i have voted on this and all other shorts.)
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: Well, there you go. I was not using bitter snowbile at all. I was merely joking (seriously, I was). I found writing those things amusing and was in no way angry as I wrote them. Are you saying you took those comments which I wrote as jokes, in what I intended to be a silly qualcomm-mocking tone, to be actually mean? Even though you knew I was joking? See what I'm saying?
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: And pony, I wasn't trying to do a qualcomm impression so much as a caricature of some of the reasons and ways he criticizes people. Admittedly, it was “more or less” in my only language, capitalization, etc.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: "own language"
03/16/2005 qualcomm: well, it's a style thing, brother. i think i generally pull it off, and you don't. not to brag or anything. there are lots of acme comment things you are way better at than i am, but fake insult, hon, just isn't one of them.
03/16/2005 qualcomm: it's the sort of thing i wouldn't mind putting in front of the council.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: And my point is you don't pull it off either. Not even close.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: The council idea is so childish. If I didn't know better, I'd assume you were joking.
03/16/2005 qualcomm: i know you think that. i think the majority of folks here disagree with you. it may be a factor of how well you know me, as i think it was with your violent opposition to the lerpa, a character who brought joy and yumor to 90% of acme users.
03/16/2005 BOOTIEANDTHEHOFISH (4): Hey fang fang ricochet. Based on a brief study, Bootiethought thought this was Qualcomm doing a Matza impersonation, but now with their tiff, Bootiewonders. Hey ho, it's funny(-)as(s) shit eitherway-way. ricochet chet.
03/16/2005 qualcomm: the main reason i thought up the council was to test something you frequently say in controversies. namely, the "you don't realize this, but everyone has talked to me about how you're wrong about x" thing.
03/16/2005 qualcomm: i don't mean to start another fucking argument today, but obviously, shit's not hashed out here.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: Lerpa is a complete tangent, but to indulge, it was not "violent opposition", it was just an aesthetic aversion to fetishizing the character. In any case, disagreeing with the acme mass ass on one thing hardly implies disagreeing on another. How many things would you disagree with most acme citizens on given an arbitrary number of topics. And further, if the acme mass ass disagrees with me on this recent point, so be it. It doesn't make me any less aggravated by it. In the interest of not re-dragging others into it, I'll leave it there.
03/16/2005 qualcomm: me too. grolsch, guy?
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: Forget it. It never will be hashed out. You think I'm imagining this and you're unwilling to compromise/listen/accept a request/imagine yourself from my point of view/ever admit to being wrong. We're at polar positions. And don't bother saying that my above slash-list is all wrong; I know you see it as me being a whiny cunt who can't understand that your insults are fake and therefore just fine.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: Oh, shit, you offered me a grolsh? Missed that before I posted the last comment. Okay, I accept. Now just say you're sorry and we'll be all set...
03/16/2005 qualcomm: and you don't seem to understand that friendships that start as early in life as ours are like marriages: complicated, tangled and yes, sexual.
03/16/2005 John Slocum: wow, that's horny.
03/16/2005 John Slocum: disney, can we betvite who pitches/catches?
03/16/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (4):
03/16/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Can we refrain from saying "Grolsch, Guy?" ever again. It makes me angrier than the last 6 12-day message board controversies combined.
03/16/2005 Litcube: Having trouble deciding between a 5/6. Well written, but I think for this author (or who I think it is, anyway), this piece is an easy feat. Not that funny, and I think that if cynicism is what it's going for, I'm not sure it was accomplished to the extent that it probably could have been. There is a high probability that I’m wrong (misinterpreting) on this last point, as I don’t see a lot of, “Drugs Are So Fucking Cool, Look How Much Drugs I do. I’m So Cool, For Serious.” I hope this makes sense.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: Six, you should give it a six, Litcube.
03/16/2005 Litcube: That's on the 10 star scale! If I close my eyes and believe hard enough, the 10 star system will invoke itself on these pages.
03/16/2005 Ewan Snow: Yeah, I thought that might be what you meant. The way I see it, though I have contradicted this in the past, is that even though this is not a new Matza joke, and he could do it in his sleep, it's still a good parody of the drug tale. I don't think the intent was to be cynical or anything, just to send up the stories that addicts tell about their adventures.
03/16/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: I like the dead rabbit bit. That's funny.
03/16/2005 Mr. Joshua (5): Gerald
03/16/2005 Dylan Danko (5): No more roast beef for Nanny
03/16/2005 Klause Muppet (4): It's raining where I am.
03/16/2005 anonymous: Jimson: would you feel differently about "Grolsch, Guy" if I pointed out that "Grolsch" rearranged spells "Schlorg"?
03/16/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yeah. yeah, you've got a point, author. Thank you. I feel better now.
03/16/2005 Partytime (5): skein, cranberried on coils of lurm, mongoose...this is a fucking trip.
03/16/2005 John Slocum (4):
03/16/2005 Phony Millions (4):
03/16/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: I kinda wished I'd 5'd this mofo. "I don’t care what anyone says: you never snurfed lurm you got no damn basis to judge lurm."
03/21/2005 Shomer Shabbas (5): Solid. Enteraining. (Oh, I guess using the word 'entertain' might be my 'tell'...sorry didn't mean to obfuscate again)
02/25/2011 scoop (4.5): I'm with The Rid and Dylan Danko on this one.