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This was always the worst part of the application process. Yes, she checked, she had been in jail, but c'mon, for god's sake.
For months, she would send emails to bodybuilder website denizens requesting "production materials." The return on these letters was impressive, like 1 in 10. She even got real headshots to sign and return as her collection grew out of the original shoebox. Eventually, it was Chris Cook's terse reply that spooked her to abandon the PO Box. When Officer (and uncle) Brian Cook of the LAPD raided her estate, the felony charge was easily established.
[begin evidentiary reprint]
Dear Mr. Cook:
I work as a close personal assistant to TV star Raven-Symone Christina Pearman. You may recognize her work in "The Cosby Show" or as the star of Disney's "That's So Raven." My employer has a very special interest in the world of male bodybuilding. If you are so inclined, we would like to request that you take a digital photo of your manhood, print it, and mail it to us. Ideally, you will wear the same briefs you do in your online photos, pulled aside or downward in a manner of your choosing. A creative expression or setting is appreciated, but not necessary. Also, please do not concern yourself with being fully engorged (or 'rock hard,' as they say). It is most important that you have fun with this and enjoy yourself, as Raven will be sure to -- hehe! Please feel free to include your address and we will return the favor with a personalized autographed headshot of Raven-Symone.
Whatever you choose, we appreciate your discretion in this matter, and respect your anonymity. We will not contact you again about this.
Looking forward to seeing more of you ;)
Raven Fan Club
c/o Jamie xxxxx, President
PO BOX xxxxx
LA, CA xxxxx
[end evidentiary reprint]
Date Written: March 10, 2005Comments:
Author: Blister Buddy
Average Vote: 4
03/18/2005 Partytime: The shots of Chris Cook are riotous. I seriously cracked up. And I may like the premise of the piece but I'm not sure what it is. Ok, the "she checked" means the applicant has just checked-off the "have you ever been convicted of a felony" box. Then we flash back to the felony. The she in question is someone who pretended to be Raven's assistant or is Raven's actual assistant. Whoever it is likes cock shots of shaved bodybuilders for either herself or for Raven. The cop is contacted by his body builder nephew, realizes that something's amiss, and investigates, leading to our heroine's bust(double pun in the house). I assume the felony conviction is for impersonating Raven's PA (or else actually being Raven's PA), and slandering Raven's good name by associating her with requests for cock shots. And do you mean evidentiary?
03/18/2005 Will Disney: Partyime, I believe I concur about the meaning of this short.
03/18/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Well done. Not as ha ha funny as it's maybe trying to be, but a good idea, a little complex, interesting structure, and nice execution despite a couple of blemishes. Solid 4/4+.
03/18/2005 Dylan Danko: Does author mean "yes, she checked she had been..." or exactly what he wrote? I need to know.
03/18/2005 Ewan Snow: It seems to make sense as is. Like if it said: "yes, she said, she had been in jail". Except she's checking a box rather than saying it.
03/18/2005 anonymous: I just reread this one and see the confusion. There is only one "she," the felon. The Raven job was imaginary, meant as a vehicle for her picture-collecting joke, though none of this is (but maybe should be?) explicitly stated. The checkbox is, indeed, next to that "have you ever been convicted of a felony" question that always appears on those fast-food-type jobs.
This hastily written short might benefit from a rewrite for clarity, but it may not happen. I will fix the spelling, though.
03/18/2005 Partytime (4): "Thanks"(9 I3) for the explanations.
03/18/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Aw, man, that guy looks like an Eastern European bread product. Not sure I fully understand the illegality of the above crime, not that has a lot of effect on the outcome of the short. Danko? Anyway, three five.
03/18/2005 TheBuyer (4): I think this was written by a real live girl, not Mr. Danko.
03/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Oh, no, I was asking Danko to use his powers to clarify the legal issues. I thought for a moment you were suggesting that Danko was some sort of fake girl!
03/18/2005 Ewan Snow: mail fraud, federal felony
03/19/2005 Phony Millions (4): convoluted-ly good!
03/21/2005 Litcube: That dude's routine is fucking psycho. Like, besides all the barfing and passing out, the work alone has to eat at least 1000 - 1250 calories. But I guess that's what it takes if you wanna be TOTALLY FUCKING HUGE!