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STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS, PLEASE.
"Whoa! Hold that door, please! Hold that door!" Jamming his
humongous fluffy paws between the doors, the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny
Rabbit hopped onto the 6 train at Brooklyn Bridge, squeaking himself
inside. Puffing, his breath condensed on the wire screen inside his
massive, papier machet head. Rush hour. "Thanks, Ace," he said, patting a banker
on the shoulder.
"I didn't do anything."
"Sure ya did, sure ya did," the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit insisted. Then, whispering, he added, "And that's why I plan to denut you with this straight razor, then cram it up your asshole and crack you open like a motherfucking lobster, you mean spirited, bean counting son of a bitch."
"Yo, I'm just playin'. Seriously. Now unzip me, faggot."
"Nevermind, dude. Moment's passed. And NOW!" the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit announced, shoving the banker by his face: "I gotta shake a bitch! So which one of you tight-suited bitches needs shaking?!" The Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit clicked open the razor, twirling the opalescent handle in his right paw then gliding the blade along the pads of his left. "Surely, one of you corpo-RAT bitches needs shaking!"
Menacingly, the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit lurched, heaving his hefty bunny body, and stomped down with one floppy bunny foot.
"AAiiiighhh!!!" the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit screamed as his fibula and tibia snapped in two. The razor went skidding away among the shoes. "Osteosarcoma?" he thought. Not possible. He was too old. Or was he? "Hypochondria, my ass," thought theDirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit.
Date Written: March 14, 2005Comments:
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 4.0909
03/21/2005 The Rid: Great until the last paragraph, which is awful. Just awful. I mean, I'm all for non sequiturs, but what the hell? I mean, "I gotta shake a bitch"? GENIUS!!! What happened?
03/21/2005 Will Disney: did everyone end up okay here, author?
03/21/2005 Shomer Shabbas (4):
03/21/2005 TheBuyer (4): It's not a non-sequitor rid, the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit has bone cancer and so the Dirty Fucking Giant Bunny Rabbit has brittle bones.
03/21/2005 qualcomm: well, the sentence "He was too old." forced me to look up osteosarcoma so i could learn if this terrible disease does in fact strike youngsters with greater frequency than adults. turns out it does. so you have to give it that. kind of weird that the bunny, who clearly comes from a low-rung demographic, knew this when i didn't.
03/21/2005 anonymous: it's not a non sequitur, diltron
03/21/2005 anonymous: Hypochondriacs know a lot about disease, regardless of their station. It's their business. WebMD and so forth.
03/21/2005 Louise Fletcher: Non Sequitur? I think someone needs to stop skimming shorts, looking for things to say.
03/21/2005 scoop: Good morning Louise! Long time no see. Hey, what's the cirCUMfrence of your clitoris?
03/21/2005 Louise Fletcher: My, you're a dreadful young man.
03/21/2005 scoop: Quit stalling, Fletcher. What are you packing down there?
03/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Careful what you say, Louise. If I know scoop, there's going to be a hell of a follow-up.
03/21/2005 Mr. Pony (5): Mr. Pony thought this was pretty durned funny, by the way, and worthy of a glorious five-star rating, by way of an escalating nine.
03/21/2005 Litcube (4):
03/21/2005 scoop: About a 23.64 on my 27 star scale.
03/21/2005 Blister Buddy (4): crit 1: Would breath actually condense on a wire screen?
crit 2: I cannot drop the connection to Donnie Darko, sorry. Am I ruined for all future giant-bunny encounters?
crit on crit: it's not a non sequitur just because you don't know what it means. 'diltron.'
03/21/2005 Jon Matza (5): Yuh
03/21/2005 Dylan Danko (5):
03/21/2005 Dick Vomit (5): Ah, what the hell. qc 4 eva.
03/21/2005 scoop (4): I'm with Blister Buddy on this one. Fair or not, this one is dogged by DD.
03/21/2005 Phony Millions (3): Failed to crack a smile, but that's probably my own failure. Well executed in any case.
03/21/2005 anonymous: That's strange, because I'm pretty sure this is the greatest short of all times.
03/21/2005 anonymous: Easter, god dammit. EASTER. It has nothing to do with donnie dumbass danko. Maybe you read this and you couldn't stop thinking about JESUS. ever think of that???!
03/21/2005 scoop: Alright dick-munch. There are other brazen errors here much worse then the UNDENIABLE (intended or not)Darko reference. Namely what I beleive The Rid was getting at but maybe didn't express very well, NAMELY the incongruous ending which feels like the punchline to another joke. Clearly you are not responsible enough to realize that the joke here is this interesting character who muscled his way into your erratic over-caffinated brain, not fucking bone cancer, douchebag. In light of your lack of reponsibility, I am goiong to ask you to turn this charcter over to someone who can handle him. I think you're a bad parent. In conclusion, F you. I look forward to deliberately lowballing one of your shorts in the future.
03/21/2005 qualcomm (3): cute character. suck-ass narrator.
03/22/2005 Dick Vomit: Yeah, scoop. Just playin'. Now unzip me, fagmo.
03/22/2005 Partytime (4): End at "Yarr!!" and this baby's a five. Brilliant otherwise.