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If you asked Bates, there was nothing in this life more contemptible than a dirty cock sucker. He hated the way they talked, walked, pranced around like ballerinas...even the way they smelt. In Bates' opinion any so-called "man" with the urge to cram another man's rod in his mouth, or up his can, or shove his own rod into another man’s mouth, or up his can, or rub his rod on that man’s rod, or grind his anus against that other man’s anus… Where was he? No matter. Point was when it came to queers everything about 'em sickened Bates. Which is why he wasn't crazy about some of what this investigation entailed. But if the net result was a bunch of goddamn cock suckers rotting behind bars it was worth it. Bates smirked at the thought. Kiss your faggot ways goodbye then y'backbenders...

Thing about working undercover was you had to put your personal preferences aside. Whatever the breed of lowlife--­mobsters, pushers, junkies, hippies, freaks, bikers, ginks, chinks, japs, spics, fairies...if you were gonna infiltrate their "scene" successfully you had to adopt their lifestyle and mentality. You didn’t immerse yourself in your role, live it 24 hours a day, they'd sniff you out pronto. With luck that meant you got canned; elsewise a one-way trip to the morgue.

Exposure wasn't the only hazard, either. At times what you did to gain a lowlife's trust was damn near what you were fixing to bust him for. Some guys Bates'd known had wound up crookeder than the sweethearts they were sussing out. No danger of Bates queerifying, though...eleven months on the job and by his count he'd gobbled 327 pricks; still hated the taste of semen. His anus had been violated plenty too, yet he still shuddered every time some limp-wristed fairy's filthy cock or fingers slid up his chute.

Toughest part was pretending you liked it. To stay inconspicuous on any given day Bates might have to solicit anonymous sex with a toothless bum in a bus stop bathroom, jack off while a pair of faggot twins took turns reaming him out, suck the juice out of three spic delivery boys and molest an underage colored boy under some old bleachers. Days like this he felt so degraded he'd shower and brush his teeth the moment he got home.

In the snoop biz smarts were an asset, no doubt, but patience was what got you results. You had to be willing to dig around, see what surfaced, then wait for the exact right moment to make your move. Bates'd amassed plenty of leads so far but nothing that’d stand up in court. He was close, though; he felt it in his bones. The thought consoled him as Anastazy's melanoma-ridden beef cudgel made mincemeat of his rectal aperture. When I nnngh! blow this gay ring sky high you'll nnnngh! rue the day y'ever pulled me off this nnnngh! case, Sarge...

Date Written: March 17, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.4167

03/24/2005 The Rid (5):
03/24/2005 Partytime (2): From the first line I knew what the unfunny joke was. And there are several other things I find distressing. A man's gotta rate the short, author, not the short author.
03/24/2005 Ewan Snow (5): 4.X rounded up. Partytime, while I agree the joke is not much of a surprise, I found this to be an enjoyable read, very well written, and sprinkled with a number of funny details. "The thought consoled him as Anastazy's melanoma-ridden beef cudgel made mincemeat of his rectal aperture" was quality.
03/24/2005 qualcomm (4): i know i'm hardly one to give lectures on subtlety, but this short would have been way better if it left more to the imagination by simply ending after the second graf. we all know where it's going; you can tell the dude digs it by the end of graf one. i thought we at acme prized brevity. it's in the goddamned name. why then drag a joke out over twice as long as necessary? still, the remaining grafs, while in error, are written nicely. last sentence is great, up until rectal aperture, which is both clumsy and unoriginal. this'd get a possible nine on the ten-point scale.
03/24/2005 Phony Millions (5): I'd say a nine as well but closer to ten. Okay, we know that the joke is going to involve Bates digging the whole scene, but the punchline-delivery is creative and funny: the way it fits into something he's imagining telling his sarge, the way we find out that he's in fact been off the case. It has a retrospective humor because then it casts what's preceded it - his homophobia, his street-smart tone, etc. - in a whole other light. That's slick and pushes it up to a five for me.
03/24/2005 qualcomm: i wonder what the effect of the short would be if it were only the last paragraph.
03/24/2005 Ewan Snow: That would be a funny short, just the last graf, though it would be much jokier.
03/24/2005 Partytime: Yeah, the last graf alone is a solid short in my eyes. My two is a bit harsh, but you see... Last night I went to see an open mic, but the paper had it wrong so I endured a truly ghastly stand-up comedy night(in fucking Maine) instead. So I take my residual anger out of bed this morning and the first thing I read on acme I perceive as a continuation of last night's stand-up-comic targeting the drunk to eek out the remnants of the first successful joke three quarters of the way through the set.
03/24/2005 Phony Millions: That's kind of lame, Partytime. Have a beer or something.
03/24/2005 Will Disney: it is pretty clear where it's going but the second to last paragraph is still cherry.
03/24/2005 John Slocum (4):
03/24/2005 qualcomm: this reminds me of that scene in naked lunch where the typewriter tells lee to write, "homosexuality is the best all-around cover story an agent ever had"
03/24/2005 TheBuyer: practically lifted straight from it, not in a bad way.
03/24/2005 Mr. Pony (5):
03/24/2005 The Rid: "Straight" from it. Heh.
03/24/2005 Phony Millions: Is your other nickname Beavis or Butthead, Rid?
03/24/2005 The Rid: Ah, Phony...can't a guy chuckle at an unintended gay joke without being taken to task for it?
03/24/2005 The Rid: Oh, and it's "Beavis."
03/24/2005 Klause Muppet (5): I think Bates is a stand-up guy.
03/24/2005 Phony Millions: Rid, I just want the image of either Beavis or Butthead in my head. Now I'm covered.
03/24/2005 Dick Vomit: Hey, what are ginks?!
03/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum (3): Didn't really do it for me. I agree with Partytime. I don't think there's really anything that surprised me about this. The writing was okay, but not really inspired enough to make me relish reading it. The final "sarge" joke was just typical cop-spoof joke meets typical Acme joke.
03/24/2005 qualcomm: sometimes a great invention is merely a merging of two existing items, jimson. [please envision me interlocking my fingers on "merging"]
03/24/2005 Shomer Shabbas (5): Maybe I don't read enough acme (or maybe I read plenty) to see the 'joke' as typical or whatever, but I thought the last sentence was quality. If that is the punchline - not that he liked it but that he's not on the case - I thought it was both well-executed and not *that* predictable. Maybe I'm just an innocent hick from NH, but I didn't see it cumming...
03/24/2005 anonymous: Jimson, did you mustard reading it? What of piccalilli? Ha ha ha ha ha!
03/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: You could be right, QC, but I get the feeling those dorks who write all that cop spoof stuff would make the similar jokes if they didn't have the shadows of studio heads hanging over them. It doesn't have to do with innovation, really. Just freedom.
03/24/2005 Dylan Danko (5):
03/24/2005 Jimson S. Sorghum: Is that you, Matza?
03/24/2005 Jon Matza: Which that?
03/24/2005 Ewan Snow: I think she means anon_a. But no, Jimson, that wasn't Matza. He doesn't make anonymous comments. Plus, anon_a was me.
03/24/2005 Litcube (5):
03/25/2005 Partytime: Maybe retitle this Dragnet. he he he.