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This is the story of Genry Iosconturo. It started one sunny Wednesday (day of the week changed to protect Genry). "Man I'm glad it's the end of the workweek," thought Genry. The moment the clock struck five he ran out the door like a rocket and began hightailing it over to the Pizzazz Palace, pausing en route to "check the hair" in a shoppe window. It looked fucking raviolio.
At the Palace things were already whizzing along at a nice clip. Guests helped themselves from pyramids of rolled-up baloney and filled Dixie cups from cherub fountains peeing pink Korbel. Genry whistled. They were pulling out all the stops tonight! At least ten mylar balloons must have been taped to the wall.
At length a gong sounded, signifying the onset of Act I. A tremor of excitement gnawed at Genry’s vitals like Wile E. Coyote. He inspected his 'do again nervously. Key! It was still looking select.
Abruptly the lights dimmed. A cymbal crash rang out, the curtains parted and here came Big Beary! Beary told a few gags and did his thing. Not bad, but this was kid stuff; everyone knew they were just biding time until Horus and his Egyptian Potions launched the evening into the strad-o-sphere. As they waited Genry shouted and thumped his belly with the rest of the crowd. Aeons seemed to pass, except they were spelt eons. Folks began to shift and murmur...was Horus a no-show?!? No! All of a sudd he vaulted over the balustrade in full regalia!
The ovation was deafening unless you were hard of hearing in one ear. Then it was just ordinary. Fortunately, no half-deaf fucks were in the audience tonight. Without acknowledging the crowd Horus shimmied and shanked across the stage. He looked to be in top form. Presently his gyrations morphed into the Watusi and a full chemist's setup was lowered from the ceiling. Beakers aboil with brilliantly colored fluids burbled and belched out gases containing the maximum number of electrons possible in their outer shell. The crowd roared. With a flourish Horus seized a vial of power potion and robo-pounded it.
The audience watched breathlessly as Horus' eyes became spirals. Orange smoke streamed from his nostrils and he began speaking in tongues. For the first time in his life Genry felt like a whole, complete person. The hair wasn't looking too shabby either...!
Date Written: March 24, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.4545
Comments:
04/5/2005 Partytime (4): Mint mis en scene and raison d'etre! Oui? No? Allo? I mean it's funny that this lame event is the acme of Genry's existence.
Why the two spellings of aeon?
Better without the (day of the week) and hard of hearing jokes.
Still makes a four in my book.
04/5/2005 The Rid (3): The day of the week joke worked for me. In fact, I liked it so much that I overlooked the tired aeon/eon joke but was mildly annoyed by the deaf joke. I dunno. This short is a four, knocked back to a three because of its self awareness.
04/5/2005 Will Disney (4): Loved that Wednesday joke.
04/5/2005 TheBuyer (3): Just to the left of fucking raviolo.
04/5/2005 Mr. Pony (4):
04/5/2005 qualcomm (3): equal parts good and bad
04/5/2005 TheBuyer: Is Matza out of town/otherwise afk right now?
04/5/2005 Klause Muppet (4):
04/5/2005 John Slocum: what's afk, TheBuyer? Also, why is the first letter of the protagonist's first name capitalized, but lower case in the case of the last name? What devilry is this? Has nothing to do with my enjoyment of the short, but having been toilet-trained at gunpoint, it keeps catching my eye and pushing me into a slow, creeping mania.
04/5/2005 TheBuyer: afk is away from keyboard. The reason I ask, is if he wrote this and then went for a frolick it would explain why there are so many sloppy bits.
04/5/2005 Ewan Snow: Slocum: isn't it a capital "i", buster?
04/5/2005 John Slocum: I hadn't thought of that. Author.
04/5/2005 Jon Matza: I don't follow you, Buyer.
04/5/2005 TheBuyer: I'm saying that I can't imagine you leaving, "All of a sudd " for example, or "strad-o-sphere", (in fact, I'm going to go change my betvite guess) uncorrected unless you were away from a computer for a few days and unable to edit.
04/5/2005 qualcomm: buyer, are you kidding? those were both intentional jokes. all of a sudd was the best gag in the short, matter of fact.
04/5/2005 TheBuyer: nope. the word hairdo was shortened to 'do, sudden wasn't shortened to sudd'. Also, I thought "At least ten mylar balloons must have been taped to the wall." was awkward.
04/5/2005 John Slocum: TheBuyer: you're off your rocker. 'all of a sudd' is matzoid, so what if he left off the apostophe? 'Strad-o-shpere' is a matzaish way of imbuing his stupid characters with characteristic ways of saying things stupidly. This character pronounces each syllable of 'stratosphere' and uses a 'd' sound instead of a 't' sound because he's a super-jerk. The final nail I'm going to put in your coffin is to write that you're wrong about the 'ten mylar balloons' sentence; not about it being awkward (which it is) but about it being unintentionally awkward. I would hazard that this is more Matzee typicity, having his stupid jerk character say an understated thing in an overstated way (usually works well, not altogether his best use of it here). There, now you're dead and buried.
04/5/2005 Jon Matza: You make some good observations, buyer. Also, if I ('za) had written this I'd never have mis-spelt the name 'Henry' throughout the short.
04/5/2005 John Slocum: No, no, Mootza. If you read my comment you'll see it's clear TheBuyer made some bad (meaning 'bad') observations. And you did write this. Unless Snow or Qualcomm did. Sometimes they do good meuitzeed impressions. But I don't think so.
04/5/2005 Jon Matza: There are a lot of peculiar claims being made here. I agree this is Matza-esque, especially in its use of italics and words like 'raviolio'. However I, 'za would have used more descriptions to try to bring the reader into the scene, because that way we can really imagine what it would have been like for the characters.
04/5/2005 John Slocum: whatever.
04/5/2005 TheBuyer: Slocum: No, it's a copycat. Also, no no no. No.
04/5/2005 John Slocum: It doesn't matter if it's not Matzoo. I sizzled you.
04/5/2005 TheBuyer: Oh right, that. Yes, I will spend your hard-won credits on bacon and diet grapefruit soda and boogiedance to Trooper records in your honour.
04/5/2005 Klause Muppet: Rock on!
04/5/2005 Phony Millions (3): This makes me feel dirty.
04/5/2005 Litcube (4): Really enjoyed this. 4.2
04/5/2005 John Slocum (3):
04/6/2005 John Slocum: TheBuyer's a big, fat cunt!
04/6/2005 TheBuyer: Yer damn skippy.
04/6/2005 Dick Vomit (3): !