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Looking down at his dead wife, he felt a surge of love so strong his knees became weak. He sat on the bed next to her. Once she had been pretty. The memory of her warm, lithe figure pressed against his was enough to send electric pricks of pleasure up the length of his stiffening shaft. Now she lay haggard and dead on a hospital bed, smelling of hospital soap and incontinence, but in his mind she was naked and prone on the discount matress they had called their marriage bed.
"One more, for old times' sake?" she purred.
Last wishes are to be respected and observed. His pants rustled across his calves and puddled around his ankles.
Five minutes later the attendant nurse opened the door without knocking and her hands fluttered to her cheeks like startled birds.
"Mr Schiavo, what in God's holy name are you doing?"
Date Written: March 31, 2005Comments:
Average Vote: 2.6
04/8/2005 TheBuyer: Read and digested, what to know what I think?
04/8/2005 anonymous: yes
04/8/2005 anonymous: are you going to make me beg?
04/8/2005 anonymous: pleeeease?
04/8/2005 TheBuyer: Sorry for the delay.
I like it/your style in general, but there are things that can be changed.
1st paragraph is overwritten and contains a couple mistakes with commas...not that I'm good at commas, but there are mistakes nonetheless.
It's slightly unclear if she died just a second ago and a bunch of machines should be going off or if instead of hospital, you meant hospice which is more plausible. When people die in hospitals, the staff there tend to notice.
Instead of against his I would have said against him, and omitted the last line.
04/8/2005 anonymous: but the last line was the most important one. the dead woman was terri shiavo.
04/8/2005 Will Disney: I guess the queue wait really screwed you in this case, huh author!
04/8/2005 anonymous: it completely neutered the short.
04/8/2005 The Rid (2): Hey, the wait time don't mean shit. This short is balls in any event.
04/8/2005 anonymous: that bad, rid?
04/8/2005 Mr. Pony: I think the actual joke part of this one is so huge and unruly and topical and opening monologuey that any discussion of the writing or previous paragraphs feels a little odd. Sort of is what it is, I guess. Come to think of it, most things are.
04/8/2005 TheBuyer: This is what I'm saying, sorry, I was at a play. The Shaivo reference is maybe the worst idea you've ever had, but the necro thing is kind of two or three star funny.
04/8/2005 Front: I like ZEN Pony.
04/8/2005 Front: "ZEN Pony" and not "ZEN, Pony" - to be clear.
04/8/2005 Mr. Pony: Is that ZEN comma Pony, or is this some new nickname?
04/8/2005 Mr. Pony: Ah!
04/8/2005 Litcube (2): I'm making wet poopy sounds out of my mouth. I'll record them if you like, when I get home tonight, and post them here (wet poopy sounds out of my mouth).
04/8/2005 The Rid: Buyer, the necro thing is kinda funny, indeed. But not with Terri Schiavo. Not because I have some sort of soft spot for her - I don't - it's just kind of an easy subject and therefore weak by design.
04/8/2005 Litcube: Agreed. Fat target.
04/8/2005 Klause Muppet: How does this short get less stars than this mornings???
04/8/2005 Litcube: Because Pony's doing God's Work.
04/8/2005 Klause Muppet (3):
04/8/2005 Klause Muppet: Poniness is next to godliness
04/8/2005 Klause Muppet: I'd like to hear those sounds, litcube.
04/8/2005 Partytime (3): Not nearly as bad as the morning short, but not as good either.
04/8/2005 anonymous: i didn't think this short was nearly as bad as everyone says. well, you win some, you lose some i guess.
04/8/2005 anonymous: you all can tack on an extra star in recognition of how magnanimous i'm being, if you want.
04/8/2005 TheBuyer: Rid, yes, exactly.
Author, I think you'll find topical humour in general lands on it's front teeth, to use a Bennyism; check out Dick Vomit's awsome "Man puking up his own cock" as a good example, or scoop's "Bush is too stupid to be hypnotised/Kerry's former self two-in-one Election Day short. I liked all those shorts, but the 'current event' angle hurt them. Maybe if he fucked his dead wife and went home to not feed his starving cat despite it's mother's protestations and no one mentioned Shaivo it would have worked.
04/8/2005 TheBuyer (3): here's your extra star for magnothingy.
04/9/2005 deliciousbrains (1): Why didn't I think of the cat gag? WHY?!
04/11/2005 Will Disney: whoops - delicious brainses 1 star shouldn't be factoring in here...
04/11/2005 Jon Matza: How many times we've heard you say those words, Disney...
04/11/2005 Will Disney: I take it back! It *wasn't* counted in the first place!
04/12/2005 Litcube: How many times we've heard you say those words, Disney...