home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Hi, itís me Jesus. Christ. You know the saying, What Would Jesus Do? Here's what Jesus would do, He'd wipe His ass with His hand every time He took a shit and then He'd go touch lepers. Answer your question? Happy?

Date Written: April 06, 2005
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 2.375

04/14/2005 Partytime: I dropped my ice cream cone in 1978 and this tuba played a descending four note eulogy in my mind. That's what this reminds me of.
04/14/2005 Will Disney: Author, how can we know that this is really what Jesus would do?
04/14/2005 Will Disney: i would've bet Scoop if scoop were an author!
04/14/2005 anonymous: It's true, shit cures leprosy. Get a leper, I'll prove it.
04/14/2005 Jon Matza: Who bet Slocum? Come on.
04/14/2005 anonymous: This would have been 'instant' but I didn't want to wait for the new feature.
04/14/2005 Mr. Pony: I did. I bet Slocum. You can look, you know. On betVite. Was that question rhetorical?
04/14/2005 Jon Matza: I realize I could've looked but it was such a non-gum base guess I decided to protest by refusing to go to the trouble of checking (thereby punishing the guessor). Slocum'd never write this--surely it's th'Buyer?
04/14/2005 John Slocum: Pony: you're going to pay for this. I'm going to make you pay.
04/14/2005 Mr. Pony: Perhaps you two gentlemen would like to place some credits on the line defending your opinion/honor?
04/14/2005 TheBuyer: thaaaat's it keep em comin, Mr. Pony, that Tournament crashing bet really hit me in the wallet I could use the credits.
04/14/2005 John Slocum: Pony: you're a dirty maggot-whore.
04/14/2005 anonymous: Sounds like someone needs the healing hands of Christ right now!
04/14/2005 qualcomm (1):
04/14/2005 anonymous: Squoink.
04/14/2005 anonymous: qualcomm, this isn't a tournament, 1 star is a bad thing. douche.
04/14/2005 John Slocum: Qualcomm Cometh!
04/14/2005 Will Disney: i mean, i'd give this one 3.5. should i?
04/14/2005 anonymous: In total or in one vote?
04/14/2005 Klause Muppet (2): If 1 star is a bad thing, 2 stars must be a good thing.
04/14/2005 anonymous: Jesus knows when you're sleeping, Klause, he's like Freddy fucking Kruger.
04/14/2005 The Rid: Bleh. Good title.
04/14/2005 Will Disney (4):
04/14/2005 anonymous: Disney, Peace be with you.
04/14/2005 Cyrus (5): 5 stars to make for for QC being an ass
04/14/2005 Dick Vomit: TheBuyer, much? DICKS.
04/14/2005 anonymous: Vomit, you leper ONE IS A BAD THING fucksakes read your manual.
04/14/2005 Dick Vomit: Wish I could bet on BetVite but my account's buttfucked. FUCK
04/14/2005 Jon Matza: I thought the clarification "Christ" was pretty umorous, enough to lift this above one star terr. A net loss for the acme brand, nonetheless...
04/14/2005 Dick Vomit: I am the Author of this short.
04/14/2005 TheBuyer (4): It's not like they toilet paper back then, I think this is pretty fucking funny, Richard.
04/14/2005 anonymous: in His name.
04/14/2005 Mr. Pony (2): :(
04/14/2005 Dick Vomit: You're mad. You're all mad.
04/14/2005 anonymous: the madness of the Lord.
04/14/2005 Will Disney: What's wrong with your account? Login using the gmail address you gave - that should work. Account appears to be confirmed.
04/14/2005 Partytime (2): Blasphemass.
04/14/2005 anonymous: I forgive you. Jesus is going rain some serious pain down unto y'all, but *I* forgive you.
04/14/2005 Litcube (2): Not so sure I forgive you.
04/14/2005 Litcube: Fuck, I'm such an asshole!
04/14/2005 anonymous: Peace be with you, retard.
04/15/2005 TheBuyer: Ya.
04/15/2005 John Slocum: This thing truly does suck. TheBuyer, pehaps you could explain yourself on this one. That is, if you're man enough to put yourself out there!!!
04/15/2005 TheBuyer: Here's the original:

Hi, itís me Jesus. Christ? You know the saying, What Would Jesus Do? Iíll tell you what I did, I wiped my ass with my hand every time I took a shit. Didnít see that in any of those letters that John wrote to the Corinthians, did you? He never mentioned the times the son of God squatted in the sand and wiped his ass with his hand, but thatís the way it we did it back then. Now think about all those lepers I touched.

And that was there for a very long time so I got bored and changed it - about ten times. It doesn't work as well with the changes, so maybe that was self-destructive, and maybe the whole 'faker day' was fun enough to make up for it, I duuno, either way it was a pretty fun day despite the dumbyness of this short.

Now, I have seriously considered sabotaging myself on purpose. That is to say, I've been, as a user, contemplated "killing" TheBuyer and starting over as a guest. Today is my 365 day chip at Acmeshorts. So maybe instead of destruction, I'll go the other way and concentrate on what I'm doing and be better at being funny, and to have an online temprament that is more appropriate for interacting with the other adults - also i should be a btter speller and comma guy. On the other side of that, maybe you fuckers could give me some credit sometimes, I've been aroung long enough. Moving to the front page is a bigger deal than I thought and I'm still trying to find my feet. Dude, it's weird, seriously.
04/15/2005 Mr. Pony: You get plenty o' credit, kid! And the way yer over-thinkin' things, yer gonna wind up starin' at the back o' yer own head if you ain't careful. Now; pick yerself up, dust yerself off, and get back to work!
04/15/2005 Dick Vomit: You know, in high school, in my Catholic high school? This one kid in Earth Science asked the (religious) Brother who was teaching class whether Jesus had been a virgin--kid got demerits for asking that, even though he was asking honestly. Yep.
04/15/2005 qualcomm: also: post a nude of pix
04/15/2005 John Slocum: I feel I've been aroung long enough too.
04/15/2005 TheBuyer: Pony: ok! qualcomm: ok! slocum: ok! Vomit: Just the kind of thing I'd expect from a church which exhumed a dead Pope, put him on trial, found him guilty, and chopped him up.
04/15/2005 John Slocum: And ate 'em with a mature Barolo!!
04/15/2005 Klause Muppet: I love you TheBuyer! Don't you ever change!
04/15/2005 John Slocum: No, no, Klause. He should change.
04/15/2005 TheBuyer: Yes, this is what I'm saying.
04/15/2005 Pix: slocum: ok! ?????
04/15/2005 Pix: er qualcomm: ok! I mean. I need glasses
04/15/2005 Jon Matza: shoooooooooowwww usssss yeeerrrrrrrrrrrr tiiiiiiiiiiiiits!!!!!!!!!