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When the ghost of Valerie Solanas wheezed up to my third floor walkup I tried to punch her in her stupid dyke face but I broke my knuckle on the doorjamb intead. My fist went right through her, the whispy cunt. I knew she was dead when she walked in, but what the hell, who wouldn't want to punch her? So I get to the doctor who says he can't do shit because the knuckle only pivoted so far on it's axis, calls it a 'boxer's break' and asks me who did I punch, I say nobody, that's the fucking problem and I walk out of there.

So I get home and she's still there except now she's screeching her s.c.u.m manifesto bullshit into my phone, probably at Ayn Rand or somefuckingbody, stabbing away with her big, stupid cigarette, calling me a useless ape in my own goddamn apartment. Then she hangs up and starts with all this jive about how my broken knuckle is penis typical and how I want to fuck what I can't kill and so that's how I broke my other hand, also my lamp.
Anyhow, I'm not comin in this week.

Date Written: April 09, 2005
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote: 4.2308

04/20/2005 Front (5):
04/20/2005 Mr. Pony: Did you mean: "Valerie Solanas"?
04/20/2005 Jawbreaker (5): This one was great! Laughed out loud for most of it.
04/20/2005 anonymous: Mr. Pony, yes. Yes I did.
04/20/2005 Mr. Pony (3): Sorry if that was snide. Anyway, I thought the bit about the knuckle was nice, but ultimately it was just a detail; and the meat of this didn't really take me anyplace.
04/20/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): I had to look up Valerie Solanas, but now that I have, the short takes on a new meaning!
04/20/2005 The Rid (5): "Penis typical" really elevates this one.
04/20/2005 Jon Matza (3): I'd find this funnier if the narr. was less angry & more matter of fact in the retelling. Author--while I've seen & marvelled at the scum manifesto, I think if you're going to refer to something that semi-obscure you should explain what it is, or at least put a link in; as it is I'm left w/the impression (true or not) of you, self-satisifed, thinking "let's see who gets this". Also, how'd he dial the phone w/two broken hands?
04/20/2005 Will Disney (5): I got the reference! I must be pretty "plugged in"! 4.5 stars!
04/20/2005 Dylan Danko (4): Scum manifesto isn't that obscure.
04/20/2005 Klause Muppet (4):
04/20/2005 anonymous: If you get a 'boxer's break' you can still use your hand, it just hurts. I figured she and it are obscure without being too obscure and a really easy google if a reader hasn't yet heard of her (shame!), that and the movie I Shot Andy Warhol (which she did, she shot the shit out of him). The narrator had to be that angry, not only to sell his 'calling in sick story', but for ironcleness. His anger and violence and whatnot is just proving her point, which I thought would give the reader an impression of what the s.c.u.m manifesto was without quoting it directly. Also, she died of TB, hence 'wheezed up to my third floor walkup'. And No, I wasn't trying to show how hep I am, I don't like 'that guy'.
04/20/2005 Jon Matza: Your response is appreciated, awethir.
04/20/2005 Turgid (5): I don't get the reference, but I still like this quite a bit.
04/20/2005 Dick Vomit (4):
04/20/2005 John Slocum (4): I've never heard of her, but felt like I 'learned' about her from this short. I don't think a knowledge of her and her book are necessary for enjoying this short, which is excellent. Not exactly '5' material, but a solid four.
04/20/2005 qualcomm (4):