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"Studies show that fat humans are five times as likely to discharge flatulence in public than persons of average weight." My audience gasped at this nonsense. The exaggeratedly meaningful look I gave Jellifer, the obese cunt in the 2nd row, wasn't lost on them, either. "More remarkable still, the tendency of these 'porkers' to 'follow-through' with accidental fecal expulsions exceeds that of their non-portly counterparts by a factor of twelve." The people around Jellifer began to regard her with expressions of distaste. I chortled internally. You'll regret the day you ever touched my eggs, you sow... "Of course, it isn't their fault," I lied airily. "The poor circulation resulting from their fatty tissues restricts blood flow, severely diminishing the digestive efficiency of these corpulent individuals. Prior to defecation, food therefore sits in the duodenum of a fat individual for an average of 70 minutes longer per ingestion episode than the normal eater." An outraged murmur rose up. I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about, of course, but the moronic audience was swallowing every word I was saying like Jellifer wolfing down my eggs last Sunday. I saw her struggling to make a break for the auditorium exit. Fat chance, if you'll excuse the pun. The people in her row began shoving and insulting her as she struggled across their legs towards the aisle. I looked over at my mother, who was beaming at me proudly. Ahhh, fuck her, too.
Date Written: April 12, 2005
Author: Jon Matza