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I'd like to extend my gratitude to each of you for attending today's Assembly of Friends.

The announcement I am about to deliver will weigh heavily upon your future with our organization. As such I am compelled to insist upon your undivided attention and absolute silence.


Now then...


have killed...

the seed.

[thunderclap activated]

The once glorious edifice of Our Way lies in tatters--reduced to a pitiable heap of rubble.

The demolisher? None other than the repudiation of the heart's true faith perpetrated by certain Best Friends, so-called...who sit among us even as I speak.

This monstrous action (begotten by these traitorous adherents) amounts to nothing less than a betrayal of our most cherished precepts, as detailed in The Edict of Togetherness.

Failure to nurture the sacred object of our collective esteem will not—must not—be deemed acceptable.

As The Edict tells us, "an untended garden bears no flowers...

…no fruit."

Without water, soil, sun and clean air the lush bloom flourisheth not, but instead withereth...and perisheth.

When one Friend sins, all Friends pay.

Prepare for the annihilation of your corporeal shells.

[gas seeps in through floorboards]


Date Written: April 18, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4

04/26/2005 TheBuyer: The pacing is flintstone.
04/26/2005 John Slocum: I was thinking the same thing.
04/26/2005 Will Disney: Thanks for taking me to another place, author.
04/26/2005 qualcomm: the funniest thing about this is the author's intention: "hey, look at these stupid cult members willingly kill themselves! ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
04/26/2005 John Slocum: tatters *and* rubble.
04/26/2005 John Slocum: Is this an allegory of social cohesion, the subsuming of the individual by the collective? Author?
04/26/2005 Dylan Danko (4): Did anyone else get horny reading "an untended garden bears no flowers?"
04/26/2005 John Slocum: I like this short and have some thoughts on it, but 'author' will have to wait on my thoughts. Sorry to hurt you so badly.
04/26/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: I took this literally. What kind of seed is it? Rhododendron?
04/26/2005 TheBuyer: Excellent 'west coast plant name that sounds hot when spoken in an Hamburg accent by a tall blonde woman' reference.
04/26/2005 Klause Muppet (4):
04/26/2005 Jon Matza: Author: you have exhibited an astonishing grasp of the insidious psychological mechanisms used to brainwash cult members. What's more your rendering of the charismatic guru's rhetoric is nothing short of remarkable. Bravo!
04/26/2005 Klause Muppet: Matza, you're a super guy!
04/26/2005 Jon Matza: Well, if ever a short deserved lavish praise it's this one. The generozity of spirit, linguiztic inventiveness and structural control on display here leave readers with a newfound sense of clarity, teaching them what they once knew but have long since forgotten.
04/26/2005 The Rid: The generozity of spirit? Nice.
04/26/2005 TheBuyer (5):
04/26/2005 Dick Vomit: Def. thought it was gonna end up this guy's talking to a bunch of kindergarteners.
04/26/2005 John Slocum: omg - author not shown yet!
04/28/2005 qualcomm (3):
04/28/2005 Jon Matza: ?!?
04/28/2005 Jon Matza: (* $
04/28/2005 Jon Matza: cvb +0 #$ ~ nmjil s &*% 2?
04/28/2005 qualcomm: yeah, i thought it was a good idea, just didn't think it was very funny. i fault your execution and your worldview, entirely.
04/28/2005 Jon Matza: **
04/30/2005 Litcube (4): Enjoyed tone, pacing (as said by TheBuyer), language, familiar straight face of Matza. 4/28/2005 1:17:02 PM to 4/28/2005 1:37:05 PM especially funny.