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Dan was fifty thousand feet tall, and could fit inside a regular-sized thimble. Just then, he got a boner! The boner smelled so bad that that everyone had to go to hospital. There, they all took turns masturbating. They could have all done it at once, but they were conserver. The hospital laundry caught fire from all the masturbating and that was the time when the Governor got involved. He said, "Stop all your masturbating and come with me!" They got into the Governor's New Ford F-150 and left the laundry to burn. Eventually, the hospital burned down! Meanwhile, Dan was sad. His boner smelled very terrible but he couldn't get away from it. He went forward, but his boner was way ahead of him. He went back, but his boner followed him. He went to the left, and his smelly boner was right there beside him. He tried to go up, but he scraped his head on Planet Saturn, and when he went down, there was the thimble. It was as if the thimble was laughing at him! Dan started to cry. Just then, the Governor pulled up in his New Ford F-150. "Now!" his honor shouted! "Get out o' my New Ford F-150 and do your thing!" They all jumped to the ground and put their pants down. They all masturbated and masturbated at Dan. Dan screamed like a lady. His smelly boner flopped up and down like a pelican's head. At first, nothing happened, because Dan was so super-big. BUT THEN Dan caught fire, just like so much hospital laundry!! He burned and burned until there was nothing left but the thimble, which glowed orange like a red hot piece of metal. Dan's smelly boner was gone, too! Burned! Everyone cheered. They promoted the Governor to the Mayor, and they all drove to his new office in his New Ford F-150. The Governor (now Mayor) still wears the thimble around his neck to this day as a symbol of his great victory, and it still glows orange to this day, too! His new office had a soda machine.

Date Written: May 24, 2005
Author: Mr. Pony
Average Vote: 4.89286

05/24/2005 Jon Matza (4.5): Nice job! (Litcube?) Several nutmegger chuckles. Not sure if I've seen anything in quite this spirit on 'cme.
05/24/2005 Litcube (5): Holy fuck.
05/24/2005 Will Disney (4): Obviously the authors is trying to impress us with his fancy language choices, such as conserver. Author, please feel free to by yourself! This is AcmeShorts, after all.
05/24/2005 Jon Matza: Esp liked "just then" (when?); "put their pants down" use of 'put') and gov/mayor gag.
05/24/2005 Litcube: Ford F-150! Out of nowhere! Holy fuck!
05/24/2005 Litcube: This smells like Benny.
05/24/2005 TheBuyer: Wow, good Mr. Pony Comment Fan Fiction.
05/24/2005 Poop (5): I hope this is Jawbreaker!
05/24/2005 Klause Muppet (5): No doubt, Poop!
05/24/2005 Klause Muppet: The author's next short should have this as their tag line: "Dan was the pilot of an intergalactic space cruiser"
05/24/2005 The Rid (5): My favorite line is the last line!
05/24/2005 Litcube: Why, Klause? Why should the author's next short have that tag line?
05/24/2005 Klause Muppet: 5/24/2005 11:27:19 AM - Mr. Pony: I think when discussions of plausibility come up, in general people are talking less about statements like "Dan was the pilot of an intergalactic space cruiser," and more about statements like "Dan was fifty thousand feet tall and could fit into a regular sized thimble." I love U Litcube

05/24/2005 anonymous: Not to ruin everyone's fun, but this looks vaguely familiar. Please click PumpUp2 and read the scripts.
05/24/2005 TheBuyer: Pretty fucking vaguely, Jack.
05/24/2005 anonymous: The King's Gold/Babes is especially worth checking out. I remember seeing that site a long time ago, but not that script. Anyway, I think this has more of a kid's POV thing going on, and less of a heavy metal/hardcore aesthetic. I mean, not to ruin your fun.
05/24/2005 Jawbreaker (5): I love it!
05/24/2005 qualcomm (5): i'm'a say this is buyer. reminds me of his brilliant cowboy short. splendid work. coulda been trimmed down, maybe, but who cares.
05/24/2005 qualcomm: His boner smelled very terrible
05/24/2005 TheBuyer: Man I wish, I'm totally blocked right now.
05/24/2005 Jawbreaker: My vote would be for Pony.
05/24/2005 qualcomm: yes, unless the buyer is lying
05/24/2005 TheBuyer: I'm a business man, we're not allowed to lie. Ever. I promise.
05/24/2005 Jon Matza: What the--?!? I just (a few hrs ago) went back & looked at that cowboy short too, on account of this putting me in mind of it. Before reading qc's comment, I mean. Swear 2 God. Freaky deaky!
05/25/2005 Front (5): Pony! i didn't think it could get any better.
05/25/2005 John Slocum (5): Hats off, cunt.
05/25/2005 Will Disney: CONGRATULATIONS MR. PONY!
05/25/2005 TheBuyer (5): Excellent use of instantness!
05/25/2005 Litcube: I can't stop laughing at this. This is one of the best things.
05/25/2005 Dylan Danko (5): I wasn't a huge fan of this one at first but it wears well. "Just then" is the highlight.
05/25/2005 qualcomm: you fucking lemming
05/25/2005 Dylan Danko: Yeah, I knew that was coming. Can't say I disagree. Should have given it a 4.5.
05/25/2005 Jon Matza: Man, it feels good to've been the one to read this first. Must feel bad to the rest of you, though--my apologies. Course, I've always been fast at reading. I don't know what that says about me. It's a gift, I suppose. Or a curse, depending how you look at it.
05/25/2005 Litcube: After reviewing the evidence, one could speculate that it's entirely possible I finished reading this at or about (but probably before) the time at which Jon Matza had finished reading this (which practically makes me totally fucking awesome).
05/25/2005 Jon Matza: While I can see the psychological value of taking that stance, with all due respect I can only suppose Mr. Cube is indulging in a bout of envy-driven wishful thinking. Not only did my post appear a full 9 seconds earlier than 'cube's, it was comprised of a time-consuming 18 robust words (many of them polysyllabic) to his measly two. Of course, this doesn't even take into account the drastically more complex punctuation I employed. Even if we were to presuppose superior typing skills on my part, it's doubtful I could outkey Mr Cube by a factor of nine. No, reasonable individuals can only conclude I read Pony's short & began composing my response well in advance of Litcube (possibly before he even knew of its existence) and still longer before other tardy readers.
05/25/2005 qualcomm: and yet, your vote remains in error
05/25/2005 Jon Matza: Sorry, it's beneath my dignity to respond to those who vote 8th or later on a short.
05/25/2005 Litcube: Notice the half-star difference in our votes. That half-star accounts for many seconds (quite possibly 16 37) of laughter, sputter, and clean-up long before I toiled over those two words with which I laid my time-stamp representing unquestionable (possibly) awesomeness. Granted, you have the upper hand here: you did release a wicked 18 words a full 9 seconds before my 2.

However, if you add all these numbers up, what does that equal?

Guess what: it is 82.
05/25/2005 Jon Matza: OK, maybe I was wrong. But will you do me a favor and lay off me, dude? FUCK! FUCK! I mean what's important here, the fact that you read it before me or that Pony wrote the best short ever on the site, OK?!? Mr. Pony spends like a year painting a masterpiece of word pictures and all you can do is gloat over how you read it before me and liked it better faster. I mean if you're comfortable being that self-indulgent, distracting attention away from Pony's GENIUS so you can totally glorify yourself, I guess there's nothing I can do about it. It just pisses me off because I read this like two seconds after it was published.
05/25/2005 Litcube: Ok, but I really do think I'm starting to see your side of things here. If we can both agree that the following schematic is an accurate representation of what's been going on, then perhaps we'll both sleep soundly tonight.
05/25/2005 Jon Matza: That seems like a fair assessment. However, my lead operator proposes the following alternate 3-D model:

...in my opinion both schematics are equally valid. I think we're actually in agreement here. That is, we're slicing the same watermelon, only one uses a steak knife while the other prefers a trowel-blade.
05/26/2005 John Slocum: Matza/Litcube ticket 2008? Much?
05/26/2005 Litcube: Well, I'll tell ya one thing: That choice model, with official Will Disney stamp, lent to a hearty sleep last night.
06/7/2005 Benny Maniacs (5): I think this is very Rad.
02/24/2006 scoop (5): Isn't the thimble not like a red hot piece, but actually in real life a hot piece of burning metal? And also, doesn't the Governor/Mayor have to be really tall too?