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Scene 1

Ron Porton: This always happens.

Scene 2

Ron: I order my hamburg without mayo, but it comes with, like, mayo on it.

Scene 3

Ron (inspecting hamburg): Look, it happened again. This is so not premium.

Scene 4

Ron: I'm not joking. This is a major harsh-a-thon.

Scene 5

Ron: I am a very unhappy person in general.


Date Written: March 16, 2003
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.5

03/16/2003 anonymous (2):
04/10/2003 qualcomm (4): Lots of folks are bagging on this short, giving it 3 stars and whatnot, but I'm giving it 4 for inscrutability alone.
08/27/2003 Ewan Snow: Ron is the Hamlet of our times...
03/21/2004 annebot (1): crap.
03/22/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum (4): This seems kind of Peanutty.
04/4/2004 scoop (4): All kidding aside, I am this guy.
09/10/2004 Mr. Pony (4): He's really not kidding. I've heard scoop utter each of these lines verbatim with regards to mayo on his hamburg. Actually, scene 5 he paraphrased.
09/10/2004 Jon Matza: I'll never understand the low rating on this. This thing is schooner.
09/10/2004 Mr. Pony: Yeah, it's totally pencap.
09/10/2004 Jon Matza: You're right--it is Keebler.
09/10/2004 scoop: Yeah, it's ultra absorbent.
09/10/2004 Mr. Pony: But not quite Nerfbat, you gotta admit.
09/10/2004 qualcomm: this shit is tremain
09/10/2004 Jon Matza: Yeah, when I wrote this I took one look and was like, "Now that's Utz".
09/10/2004 scoop: Ron Proton forces us to look at a number of illusions in our own life that we cling to for fear of staring in to the yawning abyss. Freedom, for one. Who among us has tricked themsleves in to thinking they have a wide berth in making choices, the very choices who mae us who we are? Ron tells us otherwise. He chooses no mayo. It is a moral decision. But he is given mayo. A morally vacant decision. It's farcical to think the mayo that the cook lathered on the burger was even a "decison." It was a mistake, nothing more. Maybe the waitress forgot to write it down. Maybe the cook didn't notice. A stray burp in an indifferent, expanding universe. Take note, Ron is not fooled by the mirage which is freedom. He says: "This always happens." Despite his knowledge, Ron is doomed to live with this knowledge, despites its futility in the face of a predetermined world. Ron finds no solace in being aware of his condition. He tells us, despite being privileged with this knowledge: "I am a very unhappy person." The other thing Ron tells us is that mayo sucks and that it is gross and should be thrown away or or vacu-flushed or shot out in to space. F mayonaisse.
09/11/2004 Jon Matza: Words cannot express my gratitude!
09/11/2004 John Slocum (4): I think Ron Porton is Jon Matza!
09/11/2004 John Slocum: The hatred of Mayo gives it away, I mean it's so obvious.
01/20/2005 The Rid (5): Yes, Ron Porton. Yes.