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If you grew up on the East Coast, chances are your wife or girlfriend has fond memories of the majestic chestnut tree next to the Dorsey High football field bleachers in DuPont, New Jersey. That’s because more suburban high school girls have finger fucked each other under its branches than any other tree currently standing along the Eastern Seaboard.

The dank, musky soil under the tree—enriched by decades of secreted vag nectar—is highly prized by local farmers and military personnel alike. Stories of illegal midnight soil raids led by specially trained Sweet Vag Nectar Sniffing Canines (SVNSCs) abound.

For decades the Dorsey town council has held debates as to why this tree seems to stir so many same-sex urges within their daughters’ vag-canals, and why these urges so often manifest themselves in the form of mutual fingering-based lez out sessions. There are two main schools of thought on the matter. The first holds that the tree itself looks like a pussy. The second posits a hypothetical Indian burial ground nearby, like in the Shining, whose otherworldly inhabitants compel the young women of Dorsey (who reside just at the cusp of adulthood) to insert two fingers up each other's overflowing quims as did their teenage Indian squaw counterparts of yesteryear.

To give you an example of just how much finger fucking happens under the tree, a 16 year old field hockey player named Jessica Terry and her friend Sarah Stevenson (who also happens to be my daughter) are pleasuring each other even as I write these words. They're really going at it, too! Their fingers smell like 2-day old halibut.

Date Written: May 27, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.3

05/27/2005 The Rid: Great until the last graf.
05/27/2005 John Slocum (4): Very enjoyable.
05/28/2005 qualcomm: actually, author, chemically speaking, the harsh acidic environment of healthy poon is not dissimilar to lemon juice, whose citric acid (HO2CCH2C(OH)(CO2H)CH2CO2H) is capable of neutralizing the characteristic odor and taste of fish, caused by trimethylamine (N(CH3)3).
05/28/2005 Jon Matza: Is that why my cousin Tubba's vag syrup used to taste like sour lemonade?
05/28/2005 TheBuyer: Tubba.
05/28/2005 Will Disney (4.5): a pleasure.
05/30/2005 Jawbreaker: Why does it always have to be a field hockey player?
05/30/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Hey, except for the relentless misspelling ("vag"), this was pretty fun!
05/30/2005 scoop (4.5): Wow Pony I sure love how sarcastic you are about the spelling of vag all the time.
05/30/2005 Mr. Pony: I'm not, though. There's no way it could be spelled like that.
05/30/2005 Mr. Pony: Look, here, I'll show you.
05/30/2005 Mr. Pony: Wait.
05/30/2005 Mr. Pony: Okay, so I couldn't find any definitive writing on the correct shortening of the word vagina, but while this guy may not be an authority or anything, and he may, in fact, be a crackpot, but he offers a couple of pretty good reasons why the clipping of a word may (and sometimes should) necessitate changing the spelling. An example of this would be graf from paragraph to shorten and casualize it; and a better example would be fridge from refrigerator, where the spelling is changed to prevent the sort of mispronunciation the uninitiated must consciously sidestep when encountering vag. And this, dear scoop, is why I advocate the more clear spelling of vadge. Why, even vaaj communicates the sound (and therefore, the idea) more clearly than vag!
05/30/2005 Jawbreaker (4):
05/30/2005 The Rid (4):
05/30/2005 Mr. Pony: * This is the Latest Controversy! *
05/30/2005 Dylan Danko: Stop, Pony, stop.
05/30/2005 Klause Muppet (5): A triumph!
05/30/2005 scoop: Seriously, I love this sarcastic routine you do Mr. Pony. I love how committed you are to the gag. But it's the dedication that makes your "Vagina Truncating Routine" so funny. You are so commited, in fact, it sometimes feels like you actually beleive that wacky nonsense! PS -- HULLO
05/30/2005 Litcube: Scoop was born with a longer and narrower pointing finger than most other people's pointing finger. This makes his pointing finger pointier, and is arguably somewhat more accurate than most other people's pointing finger.
05/31/2005 The Rid: You guys should see Jawbreaker's hands. Her fingers are ridiculously long. If she played guitar she could mad solo.
05/31/2005 qualcomm: that must make your wiener look small
05/31/2005 The Rid: I'm not falling into that trap!
05/31/2005 Litcube (4): I'm pretty sure I enjoyed this.
05/31/2005 Litcube: I like how this short (and most other Matza shorts) can keep a straight face.
06/2/2005 Benny Maniacs (4.5): The 1st, 2nd and 3rd grafs made me LOL, D.
06/2/2005 Benny Maniacs: (Dude).
08/8/2005 Dylan Danko (4.5):