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Once upon a time there were three boys named Timmy, Tommy and Tootay. They'd been best friends for what seemed like forever, practically, almost. Timmy, Tommy and Tootay loved to come over to each others' houses for sleepovers, even though they were between 36 and 39 years of age. There they would do cryptograms and play wizard games of hide and go seek, frisbee golf, hungry hungry hippo, tickle tommy's asshole--even simon says! One day Timmy and Tommy figured out that Tootay was a penispants 'cause he kept saying thoughts and ideas such as god is in all our hearts and beggars can't be choosers. So they lured him to a stream by the railroad tracks and boinged his head with rocks 'til his brains tumbled out. It was funny! Then Timmy and Tommy felt wicked bad because they couldn't play games with Tootay like they used to. They missed their friend plenty plus ten so they decided to fix his head up good as new with some duct tape. But it still wasn't the same as before he was dead! But it was still fun.

Date Written: July 09, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 2.75

07/14/2005 Will Disney: Almost!
07/14/2005 TheBuyer: Boy and I thought the one from yesterday was going to be hard to follow.
07/14/2005 anonymous: Where's the lustre on the hauthir page these days?
07/14/2005 qualcomm (2.5):
07/14/2005 Jon Matza (4): Anyone want to have a sleepover?
07/14/2005 Mr. Pony: What do you hope to achieve with your comment, anon_user_a? Serious discussion? Hurt feelings? You're really going to have to be more specific.
07/14/2005 Mr. Pony (3.5):
07/14/2005 The Rid: Yeah, anon_user_a, that's pretty vague.
07/14/2005 The Rid: Hey, qualcomm, did you and Matza recently have a debate/argument about voting without commenting? I can't remember.
07/14/2005 Mr. Pony: I'm willing to have my feelings hurt, if that's what you want.
07/14/2005 qualcomm: it did come up in our last debate
07/14/2005 The Rid: What was your position?
07/14/2005 qualcomm: he said leaving low votes without a comment is bad. and i was like, i don't do that that often.
07/14/2005 Klause Muppet (3): plus ten. 13!
07/14/2005 Litcube (4): Here's what I was like: This was so funny, I had to bring my hand to my mouth when I laughed out loud. Do you realize how gay I look when I do that, otheir? My eyebrows and shoulders elevated, and I think released a very brief squeal. This short was filled with good ideas.
07/14/2005 The Rid: Okay, so you left a low vote without comment today. What were thoughts on this piece, if you're so inclined?
07/14/2005 qualcomm: i'll ask the questions here
07/14/2005 qualcomm: so, what's jawbreaker wearing?
07/14/2005 scoop: ...and what does her hair smell like?
07/14/2005 anonymous: Readers: so I may serve you better when writing future shorts, I'd appreciate if you'd let me know whether Timmy, Tommy or Tootay was your favorite character. Why were you so attached to this particular character?
07/14/2005 TheBuyer: The black one.
07/14/2005 The Rid: I don't know what Jawbreaker's wearing. I'm on medical leave.
07/14/2005 Nigel Griffiths: I'oww jahst bet vat hahh haih smeeahws ahv strooohb'rees
07/14/2005 Ewan Snow (2): C'mon, guys. What the F?
07/14/2005 TheBuyer: Finally, the voice of fucking reason.
07/14/2005 Mr. Pony: We're saved!
07/14/2005 Partytime (2): This is boldly bad.
07/14/2005 The Rid (2):
07/14/2005 Jon Matza: Ought-thgwhore: your detractors haven't offered a word of explanation as to what's so bad about your short! If I were you I'd accuse them of being a stairwell full of discarded ukelele parts.
07/15/2005 TheBuyer: Ha, Rid thought I wrote it.
07/15/2005 Klause Muppet: Litcube, I believe Jon Matza is your favorite author.
07/15/2005 The Rid: Buyer, I never thought you wrote this.
07/15/2005 qualcomm: last time i made the effort of explaining, author, all i got from you a was lot of senseless guff.
07/15/2005 Jon Matza: Well, I may not have publicly acknowledged it at the time, but your analysis had a definite effect on me. I've been trying to hate women less. Even Mother!
07/15/2005 Dylan Danko: You should see what Qualcomm does to women.
07/15/2005 Litcube: Klause, I was considering 4.5ing this piece.
07/15/2005 TheBuyer: I'm back and forth between 2 and 4.5, this thing is like a crayon Mona Lisa.
07/15/2005 Litcube: That's the point, I think.
07/15/2005 qualcomm: that's a good start, but as i recall, my analysis also critiqued the recycling of old jokes, an error i think you're repeating here. 1) timmy, tommy and tootay is a ripoff of your own joke (here and elsewhere, too, i think). it's not the kind of gag that bears repeating. i mean sure, silly names will always be funny, but there's a method to this particular silliness that really calls attention to itself. 2) the "story told by a moron/8-year-old" has been done to death lately, and this thing doesn't really do anything new with the idea. 3) is hungry hungry hippo supposed to be funny just for being brought up? it's kind of an old and easy target. it's like making fun of pet rocks. 4) overall, this short just feels like it's trying too hard. it's like a sweatier, less funny version of pony's "ted was 50 feet tall but could fit inside a thimble" or your own "In the blink of an eye everything you’ve worked for your whole life can be reduced to nothing"

and that's a memo.
07/15/2005 Jon Matza: OK--I hear some of this, esp "story told by a moron/8-year-old" done to death point. But isn't it (also) possible you instinctively disliked Timmy and Tootay (as well as Tommy) because they were, in effect, teammates? Also, I feel those last lines were something special.
07/16/2005 Constitution McButtbutt: So stories told in a stupid way are done and finished as a genre, but silly names are declared funny forever? That smacks of bullshit to this guy! (By "this guy", I mean me.)
07/16/2005 qualcomm: did i say that tales told by idiots are finished as a genre? i said they've been done to death lately, and that this short doesn't really do anything new with the idea. ie, if it had done something new (or original) (or good in some other way) with the idea, i'd be fine with it. open up your eyes and read more carefully, jackass.
07/16/2005 Constitution McButtbutt: Fair enough, but you must admit that the practice of using character names silly for their own sake enjoyed an overlong smirking Moe Rocca-on-VH1-like run without similar criticism. I realize that I may be refuting a point that you may have been accidentally making, and I hope I didn't mis-season the sauce your important journey ahead.
07/17/2005 qualcomm: i haven't used sauce with my journeys for years now.
07/19/2005 Kenji X (3): I'm beginning to understand the impotent rage of QC because none of you bastards understand what he is saying, man. You just don't get him. Seriously, you don't. Poor Tootay.
05/11/2014 qualcomm: I take it back, this is good! Grolsch, guy?