home authors guest shorts graphical shorts
Grungy bars, church picnics, video dating services… tired of the singles scene? How would you like to increase your success with the ladies by at least 500%? That’s right, I said 500%, and I wasn’t even joking. I used to be like you: living at mom’s, masturbating with cheap Wella Balsam hair conditioner, and totally frustrated by the seemingly endless parade of hot chicks who wouldn’t give me the time of day. Then I met a man named Dr. Jonathan Kassabian, and my life changed forever. Dr. Kassabian, the world’s foremost expert in the intricate workings of the female mind, took me under his wing* and gave me his wisdom before he passed on to the next world. First of all, forget those other dating guides that promise you quick sex with beautiful girls, because the number one lesson Dr. Kassabian taught me is this: GIRLS DO NOT ENJOY SEX. Does that hurt to hear? Well so does the truth. You do the math. The fact of the matter is, most women (over 98% by one study!) have never had sex in their lives, and they intend to keep it that way. The very sight of our wrinkled, misshapen genitals makes them go through the five stages of grief, with a special sixth stage tacked on to the end, where they get sick to their stomachs. So how can you possibly expect them to put our clammy, shamefully small appendages in their mouths, vaginas or anuses?! Wake up, men, this is insanity!! Lesson number two: if something’s important to you, write it down. Like if someone tells you their phone number and you need to remember it, you should use a pen and paper. Lesson number three: you have bad breath. What, you haven’t heard this stuff before?? Why hasn’t someone told you!? Buy my line of products! * Yes, it’s true: Dr. Kassabian had an actual, single bird’s wing growing between his shoulder blades. It was an oily wing, a starling’s I think, with ratty feathers and a perpetual molting problem, and yet Dr. Kassabian was desired by all women, from toddlers to grandmothers to the crippled… no one was immune!
Date Written: July 26, 2005
Average Vote: 3