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George Cukor, Tallulah Bankhead, and I had just been seated at Musso’s best table. Georgey was in one of his moods and Lu of course was absolutely tight. She was still wearing her Salome costume from the set, and I’d been put in charge of making sure she didn’t soil it that evening (heaven forbid Edith Head simply prohibit Miss Lu from doing whatever she wanted). Well, no sooner had we taken our seats than she started to “Tallulah,” as she called it. “Danny, you fabulous man,” she shouted across the room. “Bring me a quadruple Gibson and a bottle of onions, this instant!” Of course, she was already three sheets to the wind; she just wanted everyone at Musso to know that Miss Tallulah Bankhead had arrived. That accomplished, she laid her hand on my shoulder and said in that throaty whisper of hers, “Danny is positively marvelous, darling, the perfect man. He not only mixes the most incorrigible Gibsons, he makes Lionel Barrymore look like a eunuch! I couldn’t walk or eat solid foods for a week!” Now I knew for a fact (never you mind how, Mr. Nosey!) that Danny was a flaming queen, so I assumed that Lu was just padding her resume, as she was known to do. On the other hand, I also knew that he was hung like a blue whale (never you mind!), so I couldn’t be sure. When Danny came by with the drinks, Tallulah said, “How’s it hanging, oh Danny boy?” (That was the first time I’d ever heard that greeting, and it certainly wasn't Lu’s only coinage, clever bitch.) Well, wouldn’t you know it, Danny’s face turned redder than RKO's bottom line! “Why, Miss Bankhead,” I said, after he’d left, “I knew you were resourceful, but how did you ever conquer our Danny boy?” “Whatever do you mean, darling?” “Well, honey, he’s a known sodomite! The very thought of pussy makes him ill!” “Oh, I know that,” Lu mysteriously replied, pushing a Lucky into her jadeite holder and putting it to her lips. On cue, Georgey lit her cigarette, and she took a long, slow drag, letting my imagination run wild as the pause grew unbearably pregnant. "Well?!" I said, feeling like a naif before this sybarite, this Dionysus with tits. Lu parted her lips and sent a veil of smoke up across her face, her eyes impenetrable, hooded. “Why, Johnny, I'm surprised you need to ask," she finally said. "I let him fuck my asshole, darling. My asshole!”

Date Written: August 11, 2005
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.66667

08/12/2005 TheBuyer (4.5):
08/12/2005 The Rid (5): Above reproach. Just marvelous!
08/12/2005 cuntry (5): this is screaming for a full production.
08/12/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Not exactly funny, but well-drawn.
08/12/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4.5): I knew it! I knew it! I've had women do that for me!
08/12/2005 qualcomm (4.5): say, this is pretty good!
08/12/2005 Ewan Snow (5): Best short I've read in months.
08/12/2005 Dylan Danko (4): Pretty good. Tallulah was also a notorious minge muncher, munching the minges of Garbo and Dietrich to name just the most famous minges she munched!!
08/12/2005 qualcomm: oh! oh! george cukor produced gone with the wind! oh! when the narrator says "musso" he means musso & frank's, a famous hollywood eatery! oh! look at me! acknowledge me! oh!
08/12/2005 Dylan Danko: You've got it all wrong, QC. I just thought it was funny that she munched minge and those minges in particular. Seriously.
08/12/2005 qualcomm: oh!
08/12/2005 Dylan Danko: You fucking Friend of Dorothy!
08/12/2005 qualcomm: that means gay! oh! oh!
08/12/2005 Dylan Danko: Are you about to climax?
08/12/2005 Eliza: Are such questions on your mind often?
08/12/2005 Benny Maniacs (5): This takes me back to my bartending days of fucking famous women in their assholes.
12/7/2007 Master Bates (5): the best
01/19/2011 anonymous: buttfuck stories need more humor...buttfuck in prison is a good title