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Date Written: February 18, 2003
Author: TheBuyer
Average Vote:

08/16/2005 qualcomm: oh, the buyer. why make timeline entries about that which you know not?
08/16/2005 TheBuyer: I can edit it if it's wrong.
08/16/2005 qualcomm: yeah, jimson didn't coin summer sausage. it was something i'd been calling myself for some time outside acme. a self-conferred nickname, like spot of brookline, or sharkey of west hartford.
08/16/2005 TheBuyer: Huh, I'll kill my research assistant as a formal apology. What do you want done with this entry?
08/16/2005 qualcomm: i'unno
08/16/2005 TheBuyer: I'm looking for the comment that explains about you slamming a pool cue and screaming "I'm ol' summer sausage", but I can't find it. Anyone?
08/16/2005 TheBuyer: Oh, and to answer your question, I was poking around the archive from around this time two years ago to see what was going on. The timeline entries are just stuff that caught my interest and seem relevant to the lustrous history of Acme. None of my business/not my job? Maybe.
08/16/2005 Dylan Danko: Yes, The Buyer this did indeed happen. When the boy gets drunk his lids get heavy and his limbs get floppy. In this manner he flopped around from table to table introducing himself as Summer Sausage. People found this amusing but didn't indulge him to the degree he would have liked so he began slamming a pool cue on the floor and screaming his nickname. The mild mannered bartender took me aside and said, "Dude, I think it might be time for your friend to leave." Why, just a few weeks ago he fell off his chair in the middle of a bar and from his sprawled position on the floor at the feet of this poor, demure little lass he screamed at her, "YOU'RE A HOOKER". She almost started crying and stepped over him in shame and disgust. Goodtimes.
08/16/2005 qualcomm: i did not "slam" the pool cue on the floor. i stood it on its rubber end and let it drop. this caused a sufficient racket without endangering cue integrity. also, i doubt i went "from table to table introducing [my]self as Summer Sausage." more likely is that i did this to one table, or one person at the bar, and dylan (none too sober himself) now chooses to remember this incident as a far less dignified and elegant display than i'm certain it was. thank you.
08/16/2005 Dylan Danko: Yes, you are right about the pool cue. That was ingenious of you. You did actually go around to a few tables at least but as, you said, you did it with a grace and polish that - I remember now - reminded me of David Niven.
08/16/2005 Dylan Danko: sorry about misplaced commas
08/16/2005 Mr. Pony: That was awful, the way you called that young woman a hooker. Just awful.
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: It's me & my misogynist shorts' fault. Sometimes it's easy to forget what a suggestible audience I'm writing for...
08/16/2005 qualcomm: what, you didn't like my analysis? i suggest you engage it in situ.
08/16/2005 Mr. Pony: I did. You just put your head back down on the ground, gargled your whiskey, and repeated: GhhgGGH GHhhHOOKER!
08/16/2005 qualcomm: i wasn't talking to you, pony.
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: Pony, was qc's victim wearing one of those "Nancy" bows on her forehead?
08/16/2005 qualcomm: yes, and she had "vag-stank"
08/16/2005 TheBuyer: Must have been pretty bad if you could smell it from way down there.
08/16/2005 TheBuyer: I mean, vadge rises.
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: Man....if she felt that bad when you merely screamed "hooker" at her in public, just imagine how she'd have felt if she'd read my cartoon!
08/16/2005 qualcomm: i know, i felt nauseous after reading that crap!
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: [canned applause, laughter]
08/16/2005 qualcomm: [tight coil of anger; passive aggression]
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: [strained duct tape of schizophrenia; quavering rhombus of sociopathy]
08/16/2005 qualcomm: [failed misdirection from tight coil of anger; passive aggression]
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: [stunned self-recognition; awe at qc's depth of analysis]
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: [resolution never to point out qc's hypocrisy/publicly defy him in any other way on acme again for fear of punishment]
08/16/2005 Dylan Danko: [Overwhelming shame at having once called either of you 'friend.']
08/16/2005 TheBuyer: [smiling politely]
08/16/2005 Dylan Danko: at whom or what?
08/16/2005 TheBuyer: We just smile for no reason up here.
So, the entry is okay then?
08/16/2005 Sergio: As a reaction to the babyhead finally passing thru his rectum
08/16/2005 qualcomm: [resolutions to: revive argument at later date of own choosing, on vaguely or not at all related short/message thread/timeline entry; willfully misread qc's analysis to legitimize hypocrisy charge; equate one author's real-life drunken blurting with own considered short submission].

{i am willing to discuss this rationally, but you avoided it when you published your vag short and you're avoiding it now. in a nutshell, i didn't fault your short for being misogynist. as i said at the time, "i like a good racist/genderist/agist joke as much as the next fella." i faulted it mainly for using what i considered unoriginal genderist humor. as i also explained at the time. furthermore, i didn't submit "you're a hooker" to acme as a short. i said it in a moment of extreme drunkenness in a bar, "offline." nevertheless, i still kind of think it's funnier and more original than your dammed vag short. but let's say it wasn't funny at all, what i said there in that bar. would i also be a hypocrite because i've faulted dozens of shorts for not being funny, then went ahead and said something unfunny in the real world? your contention, if i understand it, makes little sense.}
08/16/2005 Dylan Danko: Oh, The Buyer, the entry's perfect. Just perfect.
08/16/2005 Dylan Danko: Wow! I just thought everyone was happy at play.
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: Sorry, brother...I still can't bring myself to dignify your wacky "analysis" w/a serious response. At the time (& now) I felt that it--the analysis--was driven by your desire for a fight, not a belief in what you were saying. (I honestly doubt there's anything you can say that'll convince me otherwise.) I couldn't follow your last point below, but found its reasonable tone soothing.
08/16/2005 qualcomm: i'll let your disingenuousness speak for itself.
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: I wonder what qc means by, "i'll let your disingenuousness speak for itself".
08/16/2005 Jon Matza: p.s. I also apologize to society at large to whatever extent the frat-like humor I used in that short was responsible for unduly influencing the suggestible qc to indulge in the drunken, frat-like behaviors & treatment of women described below!
08/17/2005 Dylan Danko: I don't know why you guys can't just love women. It's not that hard once you've let all your inhibitions go. Why don't you guys just apologize to each other and start loving women. It's easy.
08/17/2005 Dylan Danko: On a much less serious note, I think there must be a fundamental misread going on by one of you motherfuckers.
08/17/2005 Mr. Pony: Which one, do you think?
08/17/2005 Mr. Pony: [serious question]
08/17/2005 Dylan Danko: Don't give me that serious question bullshit. You just want to see what I'm made of. I think, most likely, Matza has misunderstood QC's criticism of Matza's vag cartoon and is also in danger of going out like this guy.
08/17/2005 Jon Matza: Hey Danko--if you don't like my vag cartoon fuck you.
08/17/2005 Dylan Danko: Actually, I thought it was brill and find QC's criticisms off base and out of scrum.
08/17/2005 Jon Matza: To clarify, brother, I was just pretending to misunderstand you/misinterpret your comment as an attack on me to a) mock you for saying I misunderstood QC's analysis and b) present an exaggerated view of my detractors' portrayal of me as paranoid/oversensitive/prone to defensiveness. I think you'll agree I succeeded handsomely in my aims.
08/17/2005 Dylan Danko: I thought you were doing that but I also thought my feelings on your short needed a full airing/clarification as do my feelings about you. You are a true friend. I love you, man!
08/17/2005 Jon Matza: Likewise, brother. Are we still on for Must Love Dogs at 7?
08/17/2005 TheBuyer: This is nice.
08/17/2005 Dylan Danko: Shit, I thought we were staying in tonight. I just painting my toe nails and lit the candles.
08/17/2005 Dylan Danko: paintED
08/17/2005 Dylan Danko: I just grossed myself out.
09/1/2005 Will Disney: painting?