home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Alone on the Internet, Richard Vomit strides out onto the homepage of Acme Shorts and spews a ridiculous stream of vitriol and nonsense for the enjoyment of the entire goddamned world or, alternatively, absolutely no one. Ahem. "Motherfucking jerkoffs of planet Murg! Hello, I am your captain and janitor and fluffer and waiter and brain surgeon, best friend and lover, murderer and cum dumpster, Richard A. Vomit. I am going to plumb your alimentary canal esophagus-first with my forearm, clearing a bloody path with my fist. In and out it will go, like a goddamned piledriver, and the meats in your mouths and neck will go SPLOOT! SPLOOT! SPLOOT! and the mouthcrap will fall on the floor and then! And then I will stand you on your head and plumb your alimentary canal with my forearm ANUS-first! And as it goes SPLOOT! this time you will make mouth noises like awugh and munggh and fluttt and shpish and guhmmff and your head lolls from one cheek to the other on the tiles of the bathroom floor. Probably, this will be happening in the bathroom because this is where a very high percentage of household accidents occur -- even though this is no accident. No, really, this is not about violence. This is about ACME'S FUCKING NADIR! But in fact, my dad saw a guy waste himself once by sneaking onto a construction site and plopping his head down on the PILE as the PILEDRIVER rose into the air and let it come down and GALLAGHERED his own fucking HEAD. JEEZUS. Can you imagine? Truth, he was Japanese and had failed out of correge! It was for HONOR. Yup. What else? I got nothin. fugg dis. I know another story about this guy who got up in front of the an auditorium in Scranton acuz there had been a murder in town and this kid was Indian or Pakistani, had the calculator and the fat belly and the pants and the dick-to-one side in his pants and was concerned for his well-being. and he was very, awkward and afraid to speak to a large audience and so he, wondering if he should purchase and cary a firearm as his parents (overseas) had suggested, asked those assembled: (please assume the proper accent) "Well, yes, of course, I am very concerned. And my parents wish to know if it would be wise for me to carry...to carry a...to carry a fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-WEAPON!" Anyway. I have a no-reason-boner right now.

Date Written: August 23, 2005
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 3.66667

08/23/2005 Dick Vomit (5): Mint!
08/23/2005 Klause Muppet (4): Beauty!
08/23/2005 Dick Vomit: Forgot the close quotes. "very COMMA awkward," huh? This is not on the homepage. Serious, grievous errors...
08/23/2005 qualcomm: i have little/no response to this!
08/23/2005 Jon Matza: There's something Tom Wolfe-like about Vomit's use of caps & sound fx, nyeah?
08/23/2005 Mr. Pony: Your peculiar brand of articulate nonsense is beginning to grow on me. Give me a moment.
08/23/2005 TheBuyer (5): GUK!
08/23/2005 scoop: ...fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa...
08/23/2005 The Rid: If only you'd cut the Scranton paragraph and went right to the boner line! Really.
08/24/2005 Dick Vomit: Did you know that I do not receive email notifications when comments are posted on INSTANT SHORTS, even though I have clearly checked the box indicating I would like to receive email notification when feedback is received?
08/24/2005 Dick Vomit: Further, I do not know computers.
08/24/2005 TheBuyer: Fuckin thing don't work, eh. Wait for Disney to come home.
08/24/2005 Kenji X: I need more violence in my shorts.
08/24/2005 Dick Vomit: That's what SHE said! Oh! Eh! OH!
08/24/2005 Litcube (4): I really hope you're ok, man. Love the last line.
08/24/2005 Dick Vomit: I'm fine, guy.
08/24/2005 Mr. Pony (4): This, I feel is a good example of an instant short.
08/24/2005 qualcomm (2): i think this thing is sweaty as hell.
08/24/2005 Dick Vomit: Holy hell, is it ever both of the things you guys said it was!
08/24/2005 Dick Vomit: You've got your integrity, qc, you cunt.
08/24/2005 qualcomm: hi guy
08/24/2005 Dick Vomit: I blame the New Cruelty.
08/31/2005 The Rid: Hey, DV, there are no 3-star votes on this one! Yay!
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: 3 or LOWER, guy. Plus, here comes HITLER, thanks to you.
08/31/2005 Jawbreaker: DV, I think you're Hitler!
08/31/2005 Dick Vomit: You're out of your mind, Ms. Breaker.
09/1/2005 scoop (3): Lookie-lookie!
09/1/2005 Dick Vomit: scoopie doopie doo!