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Rivulets of oleaginous perspiration cascaded down Will Disney’s enormous chest and quadricep muscles and dribbled onto the deck of the Jolly Mackerel. As the suntanned mesomorph browsed Acme’s recent daily archives on his lemon yellow, Wifi-enabled Blackberry a grimace stole over his features. Why on Earth had he given in to the urge to check the site in the midst of his luxury cruise? Now his vacation was ruined—and no Broadway-style dance troupe, all you can eat surf-and-turf buffet or port-of-call shopping spree was gonna rescue it. Not only had the short crisis worsened, it seemed...but the dreaded Paradigm Shift had occurred! Gone once and for all, in other words, were the days when talent, creativity, good writing and intelligent discourse were rewarded or even pursued. Despite the best intentions of its founders, Acme had devolved into a corrupt, Lord of the Flies-like free-for-all of alliances, feuds, mob rule and favoritism. Result: the once prolific authors seemed to be ever more dumbstruck by the rancid stupor of boredom, listlessness, inertia and non-productivity that'd settled over the site. Some had already fled for greener pastures; others still ghoulishly haunted the site, mere cunty husks of their former selves. “No!” shouted Disney aloud. “No!” But the crashing of two turbo-waves rendered his cries inaudible. The lonely wail of a foghorn seemed to echo the anguish flowing through Disney’s soul, and he was unable to prevent an aching tightness from manifesting itself in his muppety gullet. To Disney's alarm he found he was having trouble catching his breath…and all at once he realized he was seriously contemplating flinging himself into the frigid fuck of the Mackerel’s foamy wake. The ocean seemed to be spreading its arms out to him, beckoning him… As if in a trance, the once proud purveyor of astonishing magical tricks found himself moving towards the gleaming rail with self-destructive intent. He began to hoist himself over the slippery bars. Snatches of Pink Floyd's The Final Cut ran through his mind. Closing his eyes he spread out his arms and— All at once a tremendous jolt rocked the Jolly Mackerel from stem to aft! The momentum of the blow knocked Disney ass backwards onto her deck. Thanks to the arrogance of the upper class, the great ship had collided with a humongoid iceberg! All hell broke loose as water began pouring in through her foc’sle. The Jolly Mackerel's misensail creaked ominously, and several water bobbins began to ricochet around her lub-deck. Then, just like in Titanic, the great ship’s starboard rose up into the air like a great boner! As tables, slot machines, deck chairs and super balls began crashing down around him, Disney caught sight of six babies skittering down the deck like air hockey pucks. Without pausing to think he grabbed a fishing net with one hand, hung onto an anvil thingy with the other--and with a strength he didn’t know he had, swooped them up just in the nick of time, thus saving them from certain etc. Immediately the ship miraculously righted itself and everything went back to normal. A great cheer went up—it seems that everyone on board with the exception of the bo'sun had witnessed Disney’s heroic deed. “I want to live!” cried Disney. Using the lacrosse skills he’d honed at Swarthmore, he adroitly flipped the babies to their respective mothers with the fishing net. "When we reach dry land," said Disney, "I'm gonna do everything I ever dreamt of doing in the past but was too afraid to try!"

Date Written: August 24, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.63636

08/25/2005 TheBuyer (5): This sucks. You are probably a stupid wop.
08/25/2005 TheBuyer: Other than dick vomit, a different Jewy, Jewfingered, Jewhaired, Jewface Wop garnished with traditional Jewlery and Jew armour holding a Heeb fire-arm and quoting the toro or ladle or whatever they use to whack rival diamond dealers with, that's the wop what wrote this.
08/25/2005 The Rid: As much as I like having a new short on the board, I forgot that now everyone will ignore the guest page. Not that you all paid so much attentnion to it, anyway.
08/25/2005 The Rid: Hey, this is pretty funny!
08/25/2005 qualcomm (4.5): if only disney's cries hadn't been drowned out by twin turbo-waves! if only the bo'sun had witnessed his heroic feats! everything would have been different.
08/25/2005 Dylan Danko (5): Don't you mean boatswain?
08/25/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs: Hey! Someone explain all the inside jokes to us retards!
08/25/2005 qualcomm: no
08/25/2005 qualcomm: (there's nothing in there that predates your acme presence, far as i know, sbd)
08/25/2005 qualcomm: this short is the finest deconstruction of kenji i've yet read.
08/25/2005 Dylan Danko: I think you mean boatswain.
08/25/2005 qualcomm: this short is the finest deconstruction of kenji i've yet read.
08/25/2005 Dylan Danko: Bosun is so fucking declasse.
08/25/2005 qualcomm: on the subject of the snake oil salesman known as kenji x, this short makes many important points.
08/25/2005 Dylan Danko: Bosun
08/25/2005 TheBuyer: Abuse.
08/25/2005 The Rid (4.5):
08/25/2005 The Rid: Hey, where's Slocum, that cunt?
08/25/2005 Mr. Pony: I never knew that "bosun" was short for "boatswain". Thanks, Dylan!
08/25/2005 Mr. Pony: qualcomm, how is this short about Kenji? I don't understand your comments.
08/25/2005 qualcomm: actually, on further consideration, and in the interest of full disclosure, i must point out that this short is making fun of mr. pony, kenji x, and... me!! how dare it. my reading is that the author looks upon discussions of "acme's future" and the like with the same distaste that he looks upon political discussions among non-wonks. the author, then, in addition to being an admitted misogynist and racist, is also a fascist, who would divest the citizenry of their right, nay, their responsibility, to take an active, vocal role in the direction of the good ship acme. nay, the good ship USA!!
08/25/2005 Mr. Pony (4.5): I disagree with many of the points made in this short, including the characterization of myself as a large iceberg, but the quality and the clarity of these points is undeniable.
08/25/2005 qualcomm: best prequel in acme history.
08/25/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Somewhere between a 4 and a 5 for this gentle reader. If 1/2 stars were supported, I'd give this a 4.5!
08/25/2005 Cyrus (4.5): Disney cries a lot
08/25/2005 Will Disney (5): Hi!
08/25/2005 Klause Muppet (4.5): Bravo for this line: "Using the lacrosse skills he’d honed at Swarthmore, he adroitly flipped the babies to their respective mothers with the fishing net."
08/25/2005 Klause Muppet: Rid, as for your first comment: that kind of attitude is not appreciated and it makes you look like a little girl with shoes (which I know you're not).
08/25/2005 The Rid: Oh, Klause, go put you thumb up your butt, you dumb dick.
08/25/2005 The Rid: And Klause, that's a pretty smug statement for someone who hasn't yet commented on the guest short.
08/25/2005 Kenji X: I am Jack's feeling of smug pride and insistence that the rock that killed Piggy was an accident. Honored I am to be lampooned in a short, it means I have arrived methinks? Yes, me have arrived. Deconstruct away, for I am a snake-oil salesman, intent on chopping up, lopping up, binding up and grinding up Pete's Dragon to make money, money, money by the pound. Ta!
08/26/2005 The Rid: Kenji, you are Jack's freshly fucked asshole.
08/26/2005 Litcube (5): Jon, this short was an exemplary specimen of your art. A fine sample of what you're capable of. Favourites: The always lovely, "thus saving them from certain etc." (this particular etc. well placed). "Flinging himself into the frigid fuck." Finally, the lacrosse allusion was most osim.
08/26/2005 scoop (4.5): Wait, does this mean Disney is gonna rape my wife when he gets back?