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First of all, I want to thank everyone who's supported me and my cancer by wearing their LIVESTRONG wristbands proudly. Your encouragement has helped me through these trying months of chemo and heartbreak. I don't know if I would have made it this far without you. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night to vomit, and it seems I can't go another step, I think of one of you kind souls, with your yellow LIVESTRONG wristband. I need you all, desperately. On to business. I've noticed that some of you aren't wearing a LIVESTRONG wristband, even those whom I've emailed the website (it's not too late! www.livestrong.org!), and I guess I'm a little bit confused. Why won't you support me by wearing the wristband? Some of you I've even asked directly. I've politely inquired, "Where's your wristband?" Well, I can't say I'm too impressed with the answers I've received. Most of you have reacted with obvious nervousness and embarrassment to my very straightforward question. At least look me and my cancer in the eye. Hey, I'm not judging you -- I just want to know where's your wristband! You don't have to duck into a conference room when you see me coming, and you don't have to eat at your desk to avoid sitting with me in the cafeteria. You just have to wear a wristband! If it's a money thing, I'll pay for it. I'll pay for your wristband! You just have to wear it. And another thing. I was in the bathroom a couple days ago, and I heard a certain salesman and a certain claims guy making fun of me. You called me the LIVESTRONG nazi and compared me to those guys who make Kramer wear an AIDS ribbon. That's two Seinfeld jokes you made about me, and I really don't think either of them is applicable. I mean, what's the big deal about wearing a yellow wristband? Do you have any idea what it would mean to me, at 2.30 in the morning with my head in the toilet, to know that somewhere you're wearing a wristband? I have cancer! I know one of you reported me to Dan, and he told me to ease up. Well, fine. I understand, no soliciting in the workplace, I know, I know. But this is different. This is me. And my cancer. Look, I don't want to be the wristband police officer, but where's your wristband? I just don't get it. Are you pro-cancer or something?

Date Written: August 26, 2005
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.375

08/26/2005 Dylan Danko (5): Why isn't this on the home page? Perhaps there should be no more instant shorts until there are some in the pending queue.
08/26/2005 Litcube (5): Agree. Putting this on the instant shorts page is an error. "Are you pro cancer or something?" This is topicalish done right.
08/26/2005 Mr. Pony (4.5): Good short's a good short, no matter where it sits. We all know how to find them. The only place that's maybe not a good place for a short? In the comments of someone else's short, that's where.
08/26/2005 qualcomm (4.5):
Livingston Tull, explorer for her majesty Queen Victoria, sign-languaged to the pygmy.

“What do you call an elephant,” he shouted, holding his arm in front of his face like a trunk and lumbering around. He let out a great trumpet to emphasize his pantomime.

The pygmy did not understand. He looked at Tull as if he’d lost his mind.

The pygmy pointed to the blunderbuss strapped to Tull’s back, then mimed a person aiming a gun and shooting it.

“What in the name of Nelson?!” muttered Tull to his companions. “The man’s barmy!”

Tull shrugged his shoulders and looked both ways with a confused expression.

The pygmy took out a leather sack and mimed an eating motion with its contents.

Tull whirled his index finger around his temple and pointed at the pygmy with his other hand.
08/26/2005 TheBuyer (5): Cancer has touched so many lives, please let it touch yours.
08/26/2005 Klause Muppet (5): hah!
08/26/2005 The Rid (5):
08/26/2005 The Rid: I read this short to a friend of mine who has cancer. She thought it was funny.
08/27/2005 Litcube: So is it out of stubborn recalcitrance that this 4.7ish short isn't on the main page?
08/27/2005 qualcomm: no, i put it here because i just wasn't sure about it. despite its length, this was dashed-off piece, and i wasn't sure if it was any good. i mean, i thought it was funny, but i was pretty sure it would be rejected by the community, because of its similarity to the kramer aids ribbon seinfeld thing (which i tried to defuse by addressing in the short) and for its similarity to an old onion op-ed piece (which only occurred to me after i'd written it, but there it is nonetheless).
08/27/2005 Litcube: Funny, I was going to mention earlier that this was Oniony.
08/27/2005 Litcube: Well, that I *thought* it might have been Oniony.
09/8/2005 Jon Matza (1.5): Long as we're speaking our minds today!
09/8/2005 The Rid: Matza, is this a revenge vote? While I'm sure you feel this short deserves 1.5 stars, you only voted after qualcomm gave one of your shorts 1.5 stars. Are you two about to embark on a feud?
09/8/2005 Litcube: Matza: Harsh, bra.
09/8/2005 TREE: Not so harsh when you think about it. This is an INSTANT short and the *'s here have no value. Right Disney?
09/8/2005 The Rid: True, TREE. Perhaps Matza is just making a point, his vote a symbol of his distaste for qualcomm's voting style.
09/8/2005 Jon Matza: I just think it's important for me to let the community & the author know how much this short sucks. Far from "revenge voting", I am honoring the community and showing my deep respect for the short's creator by offering my honest appraisal of his short's value. I'd hate to insult/infantilize the author by doing anything less!
09/8/2005 TREE: So by voting true to your heart you are actually showing respect for qualcomm as a person?
09/8/2005 Jon Matza: That's right, TREE. As a person and an artist.
09/8/2005 qualcomm: i'm not convinced you actually dislike this
09/8/2005 Jon Matza: What parts of it do you think I like the best?
09/8/2005 TREE (4): I am aware that QC has no interest in my opinion but I am still commenting(like the asshole I am). I dislike the narrator and his cancer. I would wish death to a person like this to be painfull and long. However the short does produce an intense emotional response. and so 4 stars for you.