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It was evening.
The door to the prefab McMansion flew open with a swoosh. Two SGM VariSmoke machines filled the vestibule with curls of haunting fog. Spotlights bathed the entryway in purple and orange hues. A cone of blue laser beams danced about the open door, suggesting something otherwordly and futuristic about the smoke spilling out onto the manicured front lawn.
Then! Like a leopard cloaked in pleated gabardeen, The Illusionist thrust himself inside!
"Yipe! A dios mio! Oh, Mr. Andrew, you are home. Ok, I go now. There is Hot Pockets in the microwave, and the girls are watching the Pimp my Ride."
The Illusionist recoiled from Carmencita, bracing himself against the door jamb and placing the back of a hand to his forehead. Then, dramatically, The Illusionist trained his telekenetic powers on the maid, hoisting her off the ground, orienting her horizontally; then he slowly set her spinning above the linoleum.
"I try to stay later, but...my bus. Lo ciento."
He let the maid go. Throwing his shoulders back, tossing his hair, The Illusionist strode purposefully toward the Den to see if Jenny was doing her homework.
"Eep!" she cried. Amanda. In her bikini. Curled up on the couch. "Jenny's in the bathroom taking a shower, Mr. C. Tee hee."
The Illusionist crouched before her, rocking his body slowly to the left and then to the right, arms flung wide. "Nice blouse, Mr. C! With that eyeliner you totally look like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. Johnny Depp is so hot."
He directed his long, spidery fingers at her and funneled the Power of his Mind down through his arms.
"Eww. What're you, like, doing?"
He popped open one more button on his shirt. The Illusionist performed an elaborate series of hand movements then, waving them all over Amanda's plump, athletic cheerleader's body, focusing an intense hypnotic stare into her eyes.
"OH MY GOD, LIKE EWW!"
Date Written: September 16, 2005
Author: Dick Vomit
Average Vote: 3.2
Comments:
09/19/2005 Ewan Snow: First graf is great. Downhill after that.
09/19/2005 Jon Matza: This is about Disney, right?
09/19/2005 anonymous: So-so first graf. Uphill after that.
09/19/2005 Ewan Snow: Wow, anon_a. I was thinking my joke was stupid. But you really beat me on that count.
09/19/2005 Ewan Snow (3):
09/19/2005 Ewan Snow: I think this was a pretty funny idea for a short, but it didn't go anywhere and didn't provide the much needed Ha Ha.
09/19/2005 anonymous: I definitely know who authored this short.
09/19/2005 anonymous: That Ewan sure is a grumpy gus.
09/19/2005 qualcomm: author, i think you meant to write to write long, salady fingers
09/19/2005 anonymous: It's just a little farther...just in there...ohhh
09/19/2005 Ewan Snow: That's right, anon_a, I AM a grumpy gus. DEAL WITH IT!
09/19/2005 anonymous: I have been, sir. We all have been. For a very long, long time, now.
09/19/2005 qualcomm: yeah, but why are you anonymous, though?
09/19/2005 Jon Matza: Author: the correct description of Disney is prestidigitator, not illusionist.
09/19/2005 anonymous: Because, qualcomm, I am coward.
09/19/2005 anonymous: Yes, Matza, I know. From the latin root prestus, presti, prestum meaning "what the?" and digitus, meaning numeral.
09/19/2005 Jon Matza: Actually, in this case presti- comes from the Anglo Saxon root prestcxflk-, meaning "presto"--hence prestidigitator carries the sense of "one who shouts 'Presto!' many times in succession" (such as Disney).
09/19/2005 anonymous: What the number, Matza?!?!?!
09/19/2005 Klause Muppet (4): American Beauty meets Las Vegas Illusionist. Amanda is so hot!
09/19/2005 TheBuyer (3.5): Could have safely ended at "to see if Jenny was doing her homework." Bonus points for melodrama.
09/19/2005 itasta090 (3): !Ay Dios mio!
09/19/2005 Dick Vomit (5): I didn't write this piece of shit.
09/19/2005 scoop (2.5):
09/19/2005 anonymous: Ouch, scoop! There goes the ol' mixtape!
09/20/2005 scoop: I did not vote on this. Chicanery is afoot. DISNEYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
09/20/2005 Dick Vomit: there is no truth.