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It’s the same old bullshit. What happens is that all this matter gets together in space, and its gravity starts to make it all dense. It gets so dense and hot in the middle that a chain reaction starts and you got yourself a nice warm fire. For a while this works out pretty good – plenty of energy, not a care in the world. But after a few billion years, the show’s over, the lights go out. You know the drill. Without all that explosive energy to keep it going, this big dumb ball of matter collapses in on itself and gets unbelievably dense. Then, stupid masochist that it is, this matter just keeps adding to its own problems, getting denser and denser with every new molecule it pulls into its ever-strengthening gravitational field. I know what you're thinking: there's no possible way anything could be this far out of touch. But it’s like a vicious circle with this chump: the more matter that gets added, the stronger the field gets, pulling in even more matter! So this big ball of dumb fucking matter becomes a tiny ball of dumb fucking matter, compressing to near-infinite density, its gravity getting so strong that even light can’t escape it. Then it’s fucked, because then it’s a black hole, the worst place in the universe. And wouldn’t you know it… all that faggot-ass matter getting pulled into its event horizon sends out gay little x-rays before they’re sucked in forever. They’re all, “Ahh, help me! I’m getting sucked into the black hole! Ahh! SOS! Mayday! Ahh!” Well, I’m sick of hearing it is all. You knew what you were getting into when you first got together, so don’t come crying to me with that babe-in-the-woods routine when your stupid, shallow dreams come to their inevitable conclusion. Just live with your decision is all I'm saying, you sick deluded fuck.

Date Written: November 07, 2005
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.375

Comments:
11/8/2005 Will Disney: it's a good point that a black hole is the worst place in the universe.
11/8/2005 Ewan Snow (4): This is really dumb, but in a so-so way.
11/8/2005 scoop (4.5): I liked this line: "there's no possible way anything could be this far out of touch." However I would argue that a balck hole isn't the worst palce in the universe for a black hole. He likes it, likes it just fine. I would argue this if I cared but I don't so whatever.
11/8/2005 Klause Muppet (5): well done steve!
11/9/2005 Mr. Pony (4): Not really cold fusion, now is it, buddaaah?
11/9/2005 qualcomm: what?
11/9/2005 Mr. Pony: The nuclear fusion going on in a star. It would be hard to consider it cold fusion, since stars are some of the hottest things around. If I was a fact-checker, I'd tell you to remove the phrase "cold fusion" from the sentence, "For a while this works out pretty good – cold fusion, plenty of energy, not a care in the world."
11/9/2005 qualcomm: i don't know what you're talking about.
11/9/2005 qualcomm: furthermore, i'm not convinced you do, either.
11/9/2005 Mr. Pony: You also might want to remove the paragraph at the end where you talk about how you, the author, believe that black holes prove the existence of a divine, intelligent creator. Doesn't do much for the joke.
11/9/2005 Mr. Pony: Thanks.
11/9/2005 qualcomm: i'm surprised this short did so much better than my mr. harvey adventure
11/9/2005 Mr. Pony: Maybe this one was slightly more novel. Also, the fabric of the Acmeverse is in a shift. It's becoming wild again, like when it was new. But not exactly, because there's this big ruin standing there. We are all feral children, with a vague but burning notion of the before-time.
11/9/2005 Mr. Pony: I wanted to mention our filthy and tattered (but still recognizable) unitards there, but I couldn't figure out how to work them in.
11/9/2005 Klause Muppet: and because this one isn't racist.
11/9/2005 Pushups: I don't know what you're talkin' about, Horse Man. I've been doing upper body conditioning now and forever. Same as it ever was.