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At first I thought I was being paranoid. Maybe it was just a strange set of coincidences. Maybe it was me. But not anymore. Not this guy. Consider the following a message in a bottle. A desperate plea from a man stranded in plain sight. In recent years I have, I believe, been subject to a far reaching conspiracy that leads to the very heart of our government and threatens our way of life. For as long as I can remember I have been an unwilling lab rat in a grotesque, bizarre experiment that has robbed me of my dignity and countless hours of my time. Let me explain. I believe I have been selected to incubate a substance, possibly a weapon, for a secret military-industrial wing of our shadow government. It begins with a pressure somewhere in my gut. Initially I fought this sensation with every pound of my will. But the pain would grow and grow until it reached such an excruciating point that it would be a tremendous struggle just to get through a day. But the pressure physically, but especially mentally, was just too great. When I finally caved a strange substance would come out of a hole in my buttocks. At first I thought that the hole was natural, but that was before I got wise. I now see it was drilled, probably by one of the secret governments most well-trained and clandestine agents, during a late night abduction. The substance that comes out of this hole is almost always brown and cylindrical in nature. I suspect this is the ideal shape sought after by the maniacal designers of the secret substance because it is the most frequent specimen produced. (Although it is obvious that their sick scientists are still tinkering with the design -- it sometimes comes shredded, coiled, ball-shaped and other times almost completely liquefied.) Initially I would simply take the substance and toss it in the trash can. But when I look back on my own naiveté I cringe. Imagine Zapruder spooling his undeveloped film and exposing it to light! But once I caught on to them. I began saving each sample in a shoebox and stacking it in my closet, with a note card recording the date and time of the “birthing.” Unfortunately, this means I have most my clothes scattered around my other rooms, but this is but a small inconvenience to suffer for the greater truth. This leads me to my latest act of subversion. In an attempt to thwart their evil cause I have taken it upon myself to sew shut the hole that they’ve been using for their unnatural experiments, the hole that has grown to become the bane of my existence. I completed this quiet rebellion last night. Although it may eventually reveal my knowledge of the secret plot, I have decided to throw caution to the wind. A life without dignity is no life at all, and I have made the decision for life, damn it. Life!

Date Written: December 16, 2005
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4.07143

12/19/2005 Will Disney (4): A little bit wordy for the payoff but enjoyable. 1 star bonus for actually publishing something on acmeshorts.
12/19/2005 qualcomm (4): i wrote this
12/19/2005 Litcube: I am very excited that there is an author short! I am going to read it now!
12/19/2005 [not shown yet] (4): qualcomm wrote this.
12/19/2005 Mr. Pony (4): I made that same decision long ago, friend.
12/19/2005 Litcube (4):
12/20/2005 Litcube: I knew this was scoop.
12/22/2005 Mr. Joshua (4.5): Hey Fella: You really expect me to believe that you couldn't find a way to cut three words from this? This is a deliberate provocation, a nose-thumbing at the acme way of life, and for this, I must penalize you 1/2 of a star.
12/25/2005 TertiaryWinesAreTheOnlyWinesForMe (4): I think I get this? He's talking about shit, right?