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The bachelor gazed at the two bags of chips like a Don Juan staring at long-lost conquests. The Cool Ranch Doritos leaning on one side, the BB-Q Fritos on the other. They beckoned from the cupboard like a Scylla and Charybdis of snacking delight.

“Fuck it,” the bachelor said grabbing both bags. “It’s the NHL playoffs. Time to Get it On,” he shouted in the emptiness of his unkempt one bedroom apartment.

The bachelor walked with purpose to the living room pausing only to kiss his blue-collar paw and smack it against his autographed poster of Mark Messier, for good luck.

The bachelor opened each bag and placed them on either side of his walnut Monte Carlo Barcolounger, and eased in. He grunted as he shifted his haunches side to side searching for his spot.


He wiped his hands on his New York Rangers throwback jersey and grabbed the clicker.

“If I had a wife,” he thought, cramming a handful of Doritos in his mouth, leaving a crop dusting of cool ranch powder on his untamed moustache, “I’d beat the living shit out of her.”

Date Written: May 08, 2003
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4.625

05/8/2003 anonymous (2):
05/8/2003 anonymous (5):
05/14/2003 Ewan Snow (5): best guest short I've read. Great last line.
12/9/2003 Mr. Pony (5): This, I think, is the type of short everyone is saying we should "Get Back To".
12/22/2003 Dylan Danko (5): Boy oh boy this is good. The simple truth in that last line is a thing of beauty.
03/25/2004 anonymous (1): Too easy a target. Frat Boy-jock-spousal abuse milieu.
03/25/2004 qualcomm: i said cut it out.
07/23/2004 John Slocum (5): Imagine this is a nine to off-set that evil anon a's vote. Diablo!
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Slocum, you fool, that anon_a was scoop!
07/23/2004 scoop: Is this about the spelling, Eawan? Because I was just kidding about that.
07/23/2004 John Slocum: Who says anon_a was scoop?
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: I say so. I gave him a one star vote on one short one time and he went on a hissy fit, giving all his shorts one star and saying they were just easy targets. See this, this and this, as well as many others.
07/23/2004 John Slocum: If what you say is true, I take back the 4 additional stars, but Scoop can keep the 5 for his fine effort.
07/23/2004 Ewan Snow: Yeah, this is a good one...
07/23/2004 TheBuyer (5):
05/5/2005 The Rid (5):