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Mosquito repellent? Bug zappers? Who needs them? If you have any trees on your property, simply install a few bat houses. Each one of those furry fellows will eat up to 600 mosquitoes per hour. You might also consider planting a medley of carnivorous plants in your yard to handle the lower-flying species. This two-pronged approach keeps my property comfortable all summer long. I'm sorry, toothpaste? I haven't used it since my stint in AmeriCorps. No, I prefer to keep a congregation (or wing) of Egyptian plovers in my home. Just slide open the cage's door and apply your agape mouth to the threshhold; these industrious creatures will clean your teeth more efficiently than any synthetic chemicals. Not that I "eat," by the strictest definition, anyway. No, this plastic vat of bacterial slurry digests my food for me. I simply connect the output tube to my permanent IV at mealtimes. It makes much more sense. Anyhow, my point is that the world is filled with all manner of helpful organisms. Which is why I wish to borrow your Rottweiler. My wife is exceedingly horny, and as you can see I'm a very busy man.

Date Written: January 17, 2007
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4

01/18/2007 scoop: What do you mean by "exceedingly"?
01/18/2007 blow-up: Yeah, what's the big idea introducing foreign concepts and "neologisms" into your shorts?! Everyone knows that women hate "sex".
01/18/2007 blow-up: To tell you the truth, this whole "exceedingly" fiasco chafes like a crusty knuckle rubbing the bloom from a nubile flower. Back in the labor camps, we used to say, "I am horny to excessive levels or gradations." But no, speaking in trochaic heptameter is too antiquated for the kids nowadays. They've got to have their own hip memes like "fucktard" and "exceedingly." Grimy little pricks.
01/18/2007 Will Disney: that was a good one.
01/18/2007 Litcube: Are we voting again?
01/18/2007 Litcube: On shorts, I mean. Are we voting on shorts.
01/18/2007 Litcube: Shorts.
01/18/2007 Mr. Pony (4): I'm voting!
01/18/2007 blow-up (4): The bestiality twist at the end isn't half as weird as the rest of this gentleman's fascinating life. Three stars for the first two paragraphs and an extra one for educational value.
01/19/2007 blow-up: Egyptian plovers. Bacterial slurry. Those parts are vintage qualcomm.
01/20/2007 Klause Muppet (4): Did he start the conversation with "Mosquito repellent..." or does this short pick up after the "How-do-you-do"?
01/21/2007 TheBuyer (4): gross!
02/4/2007 scoop (4): blow-up: Kindly shut the fuck up. Thank you. Yours, Scoop
02/5/2007 Mr. Pony: scoop, is that any way to talk to the woman who single-handedly resurrected Acme from what seemed to be permanent death?
02/5/2007 TheBuyer: woman?
02/5/2007 TheBuyer: like Litcube was a woman, or a real one?
02/5/2007 Mr. Pony: Well, to me, it doesn't matter if she's a man or a woman--her contributions of late to this site's well-being and general decor speak for themselves.
02/6/2007 TheBuyer: Ok!