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10:03 am (0 minutes ago)
I think it's time to start whipping the children into readyness in the mornings or at least forcing them to be ready the night before. I sat around for a full half hour watching them do things like:
- put on one sock, walk into the living room, look at floor, retreat to room, fetch second sock, return to living room, put on second sock
- stare intently at bowl of cheerios
- refuse to speak when directly addressed as often as possible
- pick kitten up, put kitten down, repeat
- enter bathroom and close door. do not use toilet or shower. emerge ten minutes later looking exactly the same as prior to entry except possibly more sullen
- collect each school item from room individually for relocation into living room; this includes school bag into which each item is
- when asked to put on coat don't put on coat but declare intention to do so. when pressed, claim already in the act of putting on coat even though this is clearly not the case (coat may be substituted with - shoes, socks, clothes etc)
- prepare food item and place it into a ziplock bag. close a ziplock bag, open a ziplock bag, close a ziplock bag, open a ziplock bag, close a ziplock bag and make sure the seal is absolutely perfect. repeat for every food item in lunch. it should be noted that each ziplock bag must be retrieved individually from a box incongruously placed on the bathroom counter.
This kind of shit is why I fucking drink.
Date Written: January 23, 2007Comments:
Average Vote: 3.91667
01/23/2007 TheBuyer: i wanted this on record.
01/23/2007 Litcube (4.5): I think you need to know TheBuyer to fully appreciate the humour here. I laughed from point A to point B.
01/23/2007 blow-up: Child body count: zero. I expected a little more violence. And where's the romantic subplot? The character redemption? I don't understand you Fellini disciples. Cheerios are pretty good, though, ziplock bags can be handy, and I like drinking myself into oblivion, so this short probably has some merit.
01/24/2007 scoop (1): Due to the popularization of alcoholism in popular culture seen in the world-weary charcters of such writers as Charles Bukowski many people such as yourself, thebuyer, mistakenly feel that experienceing daily inconveniences, especially when those inconveniences repeat often enough to become routines, is "why" we drink. It has become something of a cliche, yes something of one, to turn to this old, tired trope as a romantic sort of window dressing for why drinking is a nihilist bit of heroism in the face of overwhelming boredom. As quaint as this portrait may be, it is, like religion or love, a sham.
The reason you drink is because alcohol is because it is a drug that acts on the central nervous system (cell membranes are very receptive to the tiny alcohol molecule) and like most recreational drugs it produces a euphoric effect. This despite being a depressant! One of natures little jokes, that! Since we like this mild euphoria we want to do it again and again. Since other human beings experience the same euphoria various cultures have built structures, both literally in the conception of the bar or tavern, and socially by desiganating alcohol as a necessity to celebrate various life events, from the profound, weddings and funerals, and the prosaic, parties and to cap the end of a long work day. Drinking feels good because that's the way the mindless algorithm of evolution churned it out. So drink up. But watch out. If you do it in excess you risk suffering a number of serious health problems.
So you see it has nothing to do with your canned, low-grade resentment at a petty, banal middle class lifestyle! It's just good ol' science!
01/24/2007 Dick Vomit: TheBuyer! I can recommend a very helpful book for your drinking problems that's not at all cultish! JOIN ME IN MY RETHINKING CLAN WEDNESDAYS
01/24/2007 TheBuyer: scoop, thank you for that. That is a better reason why I fucking drink.
Vomit, can i just fake that I'm into that clan shit and pepper my daily conversations with it's jargon rather than actually follow their steps?
01/29/2007 Master Bates (4):
02/17/2007 Pix (5): Scoop, thank you... I am rating your comment 5 stars
02/20/2007 Dylan Danko (5):
02/21/2007 qualcomm: besides the filth floren filth at the end, this feels like an outtake from a bill cosby standup bit.
06/16/2007 Pix: Shoulda seen this coming a mile away.
Attention everyone, thebuyer "wanted this on record"
Applause Applause Applause.
Also, why the fuck is this still on the homepage??
06/16/2007 Pix: As in, why aren't you lazy fucks writing?
06/28/2007 Lady Pissant: This is exactly the way it is w/our 12 yr-old; I love it!
06/28/2007 Lady Pissant (4): funny, but not so funny when it is happening before your very eyes!