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You are scared. Your eyes flutter, vertigoed consciousness careens toward you. Upside down in your spacecraft you are suspended by a tangle of straps. The eyes of your dead crewmen stare stupidly at damaged instrument panels. You crawl out of the wreck and onto a strange orange soil and you gaze at the three alien moons and you long for something familiar. You are very, very far from home. Time passes, you do not know how much, and you scream and scream but there is no response. Just a tremendous silence that expands in your mind and starts driving you insane. You decide to kill yourself. You will walk the vast expanse until you can walk no farther and then you will quietly lie down until the silence stops. Exquisite pain shoots though your aching legs with each step, but you are elated, for you know each inch traveled of this empty world brings you closer to your ecstatic annihilation. Your travels bring you to a strange forest. But unlike trees from home, the citizens of this odd forest consist of large, flesh colored stalks that you find to be the most beautiful things you have ever seen. You tentatively approach one and touch it. Thin, feminine tendrils twist you into its embrace. But you are not afraid. You are thirsty. And hungry. And lonely. And this strange sighing, singing flesh stalk so alien but so familiar sluices forth milk from tender nipples that blossom open like an avocado and you drink. And drink. Each sip transforms you. You are saved. Your longing for home is turned into a deep appreciation of the moment, of this place, of this beautiful selfless creature and her devotion to you. Like a mother. You call her Mother, and she sighs, and her song is a lullaby, and her milk a narcotic, filling your mind with nothing but thoughts of love and comfort and beauty. You are nursed by her. A devoted bond forms between you and her, as powerful as one between mother and child, as passionate as one between husband and wife. You live together in bliss for many years… You are dead. You have lived a long life filled with love and meaning. You have enjoyed a companionship unprecedented in the universe. Lucky for you, you die never knowing that that weird tree thing was a dude, dude; and that white stuff you’ve been gulping down for the last 40 odd years sure wasn’t milk. You are Gay.

Date Written: January 29, 2007
Author: scoop
Average Vote: 4.38889

01/30/2007 Mr. Pony (5):
01/30/2007 qualcomm (3.5): shit, i better turn back to page 18 and choose a different adventure.
01/30/2007 anonymous: qualcomm: You are Gay.
01/30/2007 anonymous: Pony: You are a shining beacon of truth and awesomeness.
01/30/2007 qualcomm: what's the problem? i think your choose your own adventure spoof is pretty good!
01/30/2007 anonymous: Qualcomm: No problem friend. This has nothing to do with anything. I just think the amount of tender love-making between you and your girlfriend is gay.
01/30/2007 qualcomm: well i think your twins are having gay, underage wombsex
01/30/2007 TheBuyer (3.5): You are Gay.
01/30/2007 Dick Vomit (4.5): You are very, very far from home.
01/30/2007 Litcube (4.5):
01/31/2007 Litcube: Well done, scoop.
01/31/2007 anonymous: MY milk is a narcotic
02/1/2007 The Rid (4): I thought that maybe one wouldn't see the word "stupidly" in a Choose Your Own Adventure, but then I remembered that Professor Prufrock stares dumbly at the cassette recorder You give him in Who Killed Harlowe Thrombey?
02/2/2007 Mr. Pony: It occurs to me that none of us has ever actually left this place. Good for this place! Hi, Rid!
02/4/2007 scoop: Rid: While I appreciate the ****, I must say that any vote coming from your fawning, obsequious guest account must be assessed at about 50% star value. Thankfully, Disney has not yet integrated this technology, so I will benefit from your boot-licking, and pathetic attempts to curry favor with the real authors; that is, those of us who actually make this site worth visiting.
02/18/2007 The Rid: Whew! How I missed the rancor, gents!
07/9/2007 Lungclops (5): LUNGCLOPS!
10/9/2010 Marvin_Bernstein (5):
07/3/2014 Dylan Danko (4.5): This is 4.5 stars.