home authors guest shorts graphical shorts


Sue Rosenlip worked in the bakery at the Price Chopper in Utica, NY. Will Disney was trying to get her attention. She was busy cleaning the oven and couldn't hear him at first.

"Excuuuse me!" he finally hollered, and she heard him then. She was a bit startled, and the second she saw Disney's face, she became filled with an intense anger.

"Sorry to yell," Disney cooed. "Could you slice this bread for me?" He handed her a loaf of organic kalimata olive bread that was ridiculously over-priced.

"Sure, but I'll have to use the machine in the back, because this one here is broken. I'll be right back."

"Great. Thanks." Disney noticed that he had over-pronounced 'thanks' in an effort to sound nice and friendly after he had just raised his voice at her. The effect was that he sounded like an advertisement or a recorded voice, or maybe Casey Kasen. There was a clipped, forced sincerity about that 'thanks' that threw him into a quick attack of self-loathing.

"Damn it. Enough with the people pleasing," he thought. "She's a big girl. She can handle it." As he walked away, Disney reflected on why modern society simultaneously programs us to be selfish and guilt-ridden about being selfish all at once.

Then he got pissed off for thinking such a pretentious thought, and imagined himself telling his friend Ewan about it later. He would say to him, jocularly, "Yeah, it was such a 'faggy' thought." He smiled to himself as he imagined himself in the future, telling Ewan about something he was thinking. He pictured Ewan breaking out into a healthy guffaw.

Rosenlip went through the double doors to the back of the supermarket and wept uncontrollably.

Meanwhile, Will had gone to look for a low sodium teriyaki sauce for the marinade he was going to throw together that night for the boys. But he found that he was still pre-occupied with the girl - he didn't want her to come back with the bread and think that he had blown her off. So he turned around and decided to go back and wait for the bread.

"Yes, that's it," Will thought. "I'll get the bread first and maybe even apologize to her again for raising my voice like that. I want to let her know that I realize that that sort of behavior is all right. I want her to realize that I don't think that I'm better than her in any way. Then after I can find that teriyaki sauce. Hell, what's the rush anyways?" His chest filled with air, and his eyes watered slightly with emotion and anticipation of making things right with the girl.

Date Written: April 25, 2002
Author: Phony Millions
Average Vote: 3.6

04/25/2002 anonymous (5):
04/25/2002 anonymous (2):
04/25/2002 anonymous (1):
05/15/2003 Jon Matza (5): This one's right up my alley...got a good laugh out of the ultra-hyper self-consciousness. Surely it deserves better than the current ranking?
11/2/2004 John Slocum (5): What's the deal with hidden votes?
11/2/2004 Mr. Pony: They're dumb.
11/2/2004 ol' summer sausage: i bet if i vote on this now, it will register, even though i'm almost positive i've already 5'ed this.
11/2/2004 qualcomm: i bet if i vote on this now, the vote will count, even though i'm certain i fived it when it came out.
11/2/2004 qualcomm: yup
11/2/2004 qualcomm: guess not. i was going to say, 'f u, disney,' but instead, 'good work!'
11/3/2004 Jon Matza: fu disney