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“You managed to get into my office, Mr. Phlonthonth. You've got two minutes. What's your pitch?” “I have invented a device that let's you experience objective reality.” “Thank you for your time, Mr. Phlonthonth. Ms. Keckackerack, please get Mr. Phlonthonth his coat.” “Just like that, you're throwing me out? Don't you want to see what I've got?” “Nope.” “Why not?” “For the same reason I throw out the guys with the perpetual motion machines, and other nonsense, because it's stupid, there's no such thing. Objective reality? I'm not a fool, Mr. Phlonthonth, I know there is no such thing as objective reality!” “Then try on these spectacles. Here. Yes, go ahead, just give them a try. There you go.” “Ah, Ms. Keckackerack, here you are with Mr. Phlonthonth's coat. I'm sorry, Mr. Phlonthonth, these glasses don't do anything, in fact I think they don't even have lenses.” “They take a few seconds.” “My God! Mr. Phlonthonth, what has happened to your face! ? Your are slightly less ugly than I thought you were when you walked in...” “Yes, the objective reality spectacles are beginning to work. They are compensating for your distrust of me, which was misplaced and caused you to perceive me as being slightly uglier than I really am. Objectively, I'm mildly handsome.” “And what's that stench? Argh, I never noticed that!” “Yes, that's the smell of death and defeat. It turns out that it surrounds all humans, actually all animals, except very healthy young ones. The glasses are automatically adjusting the smell you perceive to make up for your overwhelming and complete denial of your mortality. There's more, though, much more. Here, look in this mirror.” “NOOOO!!! It can't be!” “Yes, you're extremely ugly. You thought you were normal looking, right? But now you finally see yourself for the creep you really are.” “I realize now. I see it all clearly. I can't bear it! All those women, they were right. I am a creep!” “I will sell you the patent to the spectacles for ten million dollars.” “Are you crazy? Here I'm taking these off. Oh God, that's better. Why, Mr. Phlonthonth, would I want to invest in those? They're horrible!” “Imagine the military applications...” “I'll give you twenty million!” “Okay, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm better looking than you.”

Date Written: April 12, 2008
Author: Ewan Snow
Average Vote: 4.16667

04/14/2008 qualcomm (4.5): five stars, rounded down 0.5 for objectivity.
04/14/2008 qualcomm: or maybe subjectivity. either way, i'm happy to read that mr. phlonthonth's handsomeness is mild.
04/14/2008 anonymous: I trust we are *all* happy about that.
04/14/2008 Mr. Pony (3.5): Oh, the conversations this short could have ignited four years ago. Where were you, short; four years ago? Minus point two-five for your tardiness, short.
04/14/2008 anonymous: Dude, dude, check it out, Pony's totally whack!
04/14/2008 anonymous: That's it, I'm LEAVING ACME over this! (And I was just about to save it, too, so there!)
04/14/2008 Flunky Cumstain: What is this shit? Fuck this. You guys should check out MySpace, tho.
04/14/2008 anonymous: F-U Cumstain!
04/14/2008 Flunky Cumstain: Make me!
04/14/2008 Mr. Pony: Acme's absence has made us fragile and small.
04/14/2008 anonymous: Speak for yourself, my little pony.
04/14/2008 anonymous: I was just trying to create a little action here. If stupid Disney were doing his job, instead of globe trotting, you would be able to enjoy a bunch more stupid comments from the fake user I created...
04/14/2008 Mr. Pony: Snow's skit may be viewed by clicking the DAILY ARCHIVE link in left navigation bar. You may need to clear your browser cache.
04/17/2008 Jon Matza (4.5): You're right Pony: F Disney. Radicool short, author. 4.1 + 0.4 rounded up for the time you bestowed financial munificence upon me and my dependents.