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We were sitting on our fucking throne when the court page ran in.
"Sire! Sire!" he shouted. "There's a unicorn in the pear orchard!"
"Holy shit!" we said, leaping to our feet. "Everyone grab your dicks!"
We raced down to the royal stables and mounted our steed.
"Meet us at the pear orchard," we told the page. "Bring Sir Galagor and Sir Crumley."
"Oh, and page?"
We clouted the page over the head with our scepter.
"That's for not doing that fruity curtsey thing before speaking to us earlier!"
"Yes, sire. Thank you."
We rode swiftly to the pear orchard, which was way the fuck over on the other side of the castle. We galloped hither and yon between the fruit trees, and not a unicorn in sight.
"That cunting page," we said. "We see no unicorn!"
"Sire!" someone said. "I've found it!"
It was Sir Crumley. He had dismounted from his steed, and was standing against one of the royal pear trees. He peeked around the trunk, and gestured toward the unicorn in a manner we would be hard pressed not to call gay. That fucking thing was eating one of our pears!
"It's just over there, sire," Crumley whispered. "We must be careful, lest we scare--"
"We'll be damned to hell if we let a unicorn infestation destroy our pears!" we said, drawing our lance from the saddle sheath.
We leveled the weapon and charged. "DIE!" we bellowed.
The beast never knew what hit it. It made a stupid noise as our lance pierced its heart. Then it fell to its side, blew out a big load of unicorn shit, and died anon.
Sir Crumley and Sir Galagor rode up.
"Very sporting," Sir Galagor said.
"Who asked you, dickwipe? Sir Crumley!"
"Clean this bloody carcass up and have it thrown in the royal midden."
"Oh, and Crumley?"
We clouted him over the head with our scepter.
"That's for finding the unicorn first."
Date Written: August 13, 2008Comments:
Average Vote: 4.41667
08/14/2008 Mr. Pony (4): Is this Snow? Snow, I'm gonna send you some of those Mad-Libs books. Still, your earnestness has won me over. Lucky you!
08/14/2008 Litcube (4.5): I heard British accents. That's all I heard.
08/15/2008 Mr. Pony: Curse you, Snow; you have fooled me again.
08/15/2008 Jon Matza: Well, it was no gakwer but it was good. I figured the unicorn for a goner as soon as the narrator mounted his steed, but enjoyed the "journey" there nonetheless. Cherished 'stupid noise' line in particular. In short I second the current 4.25 rating.
08/19/2008 Ewan Snow (5): LOL X 2 = *****
08/20/2008 scoop (3.5): I admire the anarchic spirit of this short. I was reminded about why this site was so WONDERFUL when I read the line, "That fucking thing was eating one of our pears!" But then I thought, how can I honestly give this five stars? It was ok, but it was no horny dinosaur guy. So how do I rate this without hurting the author;s feelings and remaining true to me and my feelings? Then I was overcome by a surprisingly deep and authentic despair over Acme's fall from Eden, our fall; squandering an opportunity to do something original and interesting and fun all over our blind-lust for stars to feed our monstrous egos. A safe web place riven by the very people it nurtured.
Then I think, gee here's a guy, a guy whom (dare I say it?) I like, no love, whose shorts have provided me with many a hearty guffaw, a guy who values originality and yet the little kike ripped me off!
So take this vote in the spirit in which it was intended -- squalid, insecure, anxiety ridden, issued forth from the dank, windowless basement of my terrified soul.
08/20/2008 qualcomm: blind-lust? which short am i ripping off?
08/20/2008 scoop: Qualcomm, that's the old you talking. The new you doesn't care which "short" I'm talking about.
08/20/2008 qualcomm: screw this, i'm going to facebook
08/20/2008 scoop: Eliza: What's your favorite Facebook page?
08/20/2008 Eliza (): Have you asked anyone else?
08/20/2008 qualcomm: eliza: blind-lust. hyphen. scoop.
08/20/2008 Eliza (): What do you think scoop would think of this short?
08/20/2008 qualcomm: eliza: It was only a question of time before America’s ambitions to span the continent butted up against the fact that a huge chunk of it was still owned by Mexico!
08/20/2008 Eliza (): Is that okay with you?
08/20/2008 qualcomm: eliza: vote on this short already, cow
08/20/2008 Eliza (): How do you think this short could have been funnier?
08/20/2008 qualcomm: eliza: dar dar dar uh-duhhhh!
08/20/2008 Eliza (): You make me sick.
08/22/2008 qualcomm: eliza: i have trench balls
08/22/2008 Eliza (): I sense you have a very small penis.
08/22/2008 qualcomm: eliza: oh yeah? which sense tells you that? touch?! BOOYAH!
08/22/2008 Eliza (): I think you're right.
08/22/2008 scoop: Eliza: Where did I go wrong?
08/22/2008 Eliza (): Have you asked such questions before?
08/22/2008 scoop: Do you think it has to do with social networking sites?
08/22/2008 scoop: Eliza: I just blew it.
08/22/2008 Eliza (): Now, please clarify yourself.
08/22/2008 scoop: Eliza: I should have never pushed that brick on John Bakersmith's head.
08/22/2008 Eliza (): I don't think that's true.
08/22/2008 scoop: Eliza: Where does Riker get all that confidence?
08/22/2008 Eliza (): What do I look like, a parking meter?
09/5/2008 TheBuyer (4.5): yup
10/2/2008 Dylan Danko (5):
02/1/2009 qualcomm: eliza: to whom do you like talking better, myself or scoop?
02/1/2009 Eliza (): Do you think?