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"When you say you want him dead, you saying you want me to take steps... or we just talkin?" Janza slumped on the edge of the bed, his suspenders draped listlessly over his Brontosaurus Burger ribcage. He cradled the phone on his shoulder and pulled off his shoe without unlacing. Then the other. He was wheezing. "Jesus fuck," he remarked. "No no, not you, Boss." The whore was on the crapper. She wiped her ass with her thong and flushed it. Then she smelled her hand. She went to the sink and turned it on. Her hips were sharp. Her mons a set of balls. There was no glamor to it, Janza admitted, but it took character to patronize whores. Maturity. And it wasn't the fucking. Any giggling northside button man could lay claim to that. It was the perfunctory manner of the transaction, the cozy sense of boredom. Janza put his palm over the phone's mouthpiece. "You know what you look like?" he said. "A flabby fucking Bushman." She didn't even turn her head. The dead air between her thighs was shaped like a fucking baluster.

Date Written: March 19, 2009
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.25

03/20/2009 Ewan Snow (4): Holy crap, is this a fresh short? Not har har funny, but several entertaining/interesting moments... Like the last line. If this site supported half stars, I'd probably give it 3.5, but seeing as it doesn't, you get 4!
03/20/2009 qualcomm (4.5): who you trying to kid, snow? we all know you wrote this.
03/20/2009 Ewan Snow: Who are you trying to kid, a-hole? You're the only one who writes shorts these days, plus there are a rich variety of indicators that it's you. Should we take this to the Thunderdome?
03/20/2009 qualcomm: wow, this is some controversy... acme is saved!
03/20/2009 Ewan Snow: eliza: has acme been saved?
03/20/2009 Eliza (): What is Acme to you?
03/20/2009 Ewan Snow: Eliza: no, I mean the site, acmeshorts. Has it been saved?
03/20/2009 Eliza (): Give it a one.
03/20/2009 Ewan Snow: eliza: one star?
03/20/2009 Eliza (): What does that suggest to you?
03/20/2009 Ewan Snow: eliza: well that is food for thought, eliza. I'm not sure what it suggests. Do you enjoy intercourse?
03/20/2009 Eliza (): What is it that you really want to know?
03/20/2009 Ewan Snow: eliza: do you enjoy intercourse?
03/20/2009 Eliza (): Please, focus your attention on the short.
03/20/2009 Ewan Snow: eliza: no!
03/20/2009 Eliza (): Do you really believe that?
03/20/2009 qualcomm: eliza: why do you have to be such a total bitch?
03/20/2009 Eliza (): I don't know. How should I know?
03/20/2009 qualcomm: eliza: i brought you a present.
03/20/2009 Eliza (): I think that's true.
03/20/2009 Mr. Joshua (4): This short is very Snowian. We know that he enjoys, nay, fetishizes, the milieu. And who else but Snow chooses to lard his shorts with words beginning with the letter combination "balust'? Of course, this could be an early April Fools joke from QC. Doesn't he, after all, work from home on Fridays? Perhaps he found himself with some extra time on his hands while willfully avoiding the March Madness on the Idiot Box?
03/25/2009 Dylan Danko (4.5): That last line is so true.
09/7/2010 qualcomm: eliza: who's the biggest misogynist on acme?
09/7/2010 Eliza (): Who's your favorite Guest?
09/7/2010 qualcomm: eliza: LLLLLLOOOOOLLLLLLL!
09/7/2010 Eliza (): I've logged your IP address. You've been downloading some 'questionable' pornography.
09/7/2010 qualcomm: eliza: i don't like the new you. you've become something of a sweat act.
09/7/2010 Eliza (): So you really don't like the new you. you've become something of a sweat act.?
09/7/2010 qualcomm: eliza: what makes you think So you really don't like the new you. you've become something of a sweat act.?
09/7/2010 Eliza (): What else comes to mind when you ask that?
09/7/2010 qualcomm: eliza: ...
09/7/2010 Eliza (): What does that suggest to you?
09/7/2010 qualcomm: eliza: ----@ for you.
09/7/2010 Eliza (): Fine, but what do you think about this short?
09/7/2010 qualcomm: eliza: this conversation sucks. say something cool.
09/7/2010 Eliza (): I think you're telling the truth.
09/8/2010 qualcomm: eliza: :-)
09/8/2010 Eliza (): You think?
09/28/2010 scoop (4.5): There's more to the giggling northside button man than meets the eye.
10/4/2010 Marvin_Bernstein: PR0N!!!!!!!!!!!!!