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Stirring the sauce in an x-rated, counterclockwise motion, Bamberg smiled meaningfully at the girl on his couch. No go, bro; her present attention--if it could be called that--was devoted to listlessly leafing through a housewares catalog. Hey, all the better--gave him the chance to review her resume, so to speak. Kalie Grossman, Age 33. Nice chuckwagon; pretty good tom-toms; maybe a little lacking in the old coffee grinder. Black and Decker, possibly Krups if you squinted. No biggie, not a dealbreaker by any means. Speaking of beverages her drink was barely touched...no matter. A few years ago it would've flustered Bamberg but his older wiser self knew it just meant other things than food and wine occupied her mind. Dork sausage, for one. No, he had to admit it was amazing the time and effort (and money) he'd saved since implementing maxim.com's #1 Snatchcut: a well-fed gal is a "she'll spread" gal. Say what you will, the proof was in the pudding. In the last year alone home cooking had netted him, postprandially speaking, half a dozen hand shandies, four throatjobs and seven full-on bonejobs. Hell, nine if you counted Lucy Catalina and Sally Breanne...but putting exes up on the board was strictly for amateurs. Bamberg wasn't about to go into the record books with an asterisk like certain wannabes he could name (e.g. Dibbs, Mace, Ben Jobson). Anyhow since enacting the culinary campaign there'd been only one single misfire to date--and no wonder, she'd turned out vegan (thanks for the advance notice lady!)...which'd been a stroke of luck actually since 95% of the time macrobiotic muff causes second degree razor chafe. Anyhow, in a heroic recovery Bamberg'd converted the leftovers into a bone-a-thon the very next night with a different, none-the-wiser lady. Reheat, Recycle, Reacharound. Personality-wise this particular one seemed a bit unstable; low self esteem, edgy in her skin. Easy pickings in other words, long as a guy was mindful not to make any sudden movements. Fish in a barrel compared to certain recent dinner guests he could name...speaking of which best check the trout... Almost done. May as well finish setting the table. He eyed its minimalist modern sheen with satisfaction...inspired, no, attaching Grundul legs to a Kyorg? Mix and match was the secret to maintaining one's individuality in this mass produced world. Getting it home hadn't been cheap, thanks to Franklo's selfish refusal to do him a solid--but the investment was about to pay off in droves, and cunnilingus was the currency. Thing was, in the quest for quim God was in the details. If a lady sensed no effort was being spared for her comfort and pleasure, et fucking peter cetera, horniness ensued. Bros who accepted and embraced this would never want for tang. Along these lines Bamberg turned up 89.9, the Vacation Station, deftly fading in more volume such that without being consciously aware of it Ms. Grossman felt the romantic atmosphere quicken. Time to break out the heavy artillery. He lit a cinnamon scented candle, moved the flowers to one side and, with a flourish, set down his ceramic Renoir trivet. Culture. Nature's greatest panty luber. *** As you know, Reader, the fairer sex's delicate sensibilities don't simply switch off post-forn. It being Bamberg's business to remain ever mindful of such minutiae, he headed to the shitter to dispose of the spent cum-bag. There, in the can, sat its wrinkly twin. Christ, he hadn't taken the trash out since whatserface, the pleasantly plump travel agent? Come on, man. Not that this girl would've noticed or cared but Bamberg's sloppiness irked him. To dispel the negative vibe he tried a hearty joke upon reentering the bedroom. The half-naked Kalemeister was perched on the windowsill, smoking; Bamberg rushed forward as if she was about to fling herself from the window. "Don't do it! It's not worth it!" he shouted. "That's so not funny. I tried to kill myself three times in high school." Oh for fuck's sake. Reaching out to hold her, Bamberg forced himself to "react" with animated, earnest concern. "Oh my god. Really? That's awful. I'm so sorry, I didn't know. Why would you do something like that?" And so on. To his surprise she not only seemed to swallow his halfhearted appeasements, but soon was issuing "more sex" signals. As he thrust away, Bamberg mentally berated the girl for her failed suicides, further arousing himself. "So...couldn't close the deal, eh? Why not? Not man enough? Couldn't stand the sight of blood? You bitch!" He came in a triumphant gush.

Date Written: April 07, 2009
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.625

04/8/2009 Jon Matza (3.5): Too long and choppy, AweThor, though it has some bbq bacon cheddar moments. 3.65?
04/8/2009 Dylan Danko (5): This reads a bit like Matza fan fiction and it is perhaps a little long and disjointed but its premium moments make this a 5. Half a dozen hand shandies should impress anybody. I was disappointed to learn that the Franklo character wouldn't do the author a solid. What a dick.
04/8/2009 scoop: I hope that Dork sausage is organic and shot through with artisnality...
04/8/2009 Mr. Pony (5): This is long, but the author was clearly enjoying him/herself, and this joy was transferred to me upon reading, as if by magic.
04/8/2009 scoop: I have two complaints about this short. One, I feel that the author is cramming the contents of two shorts in to the shell of a single short, not unlike Burt Reynolds trying to squeeze his massive nuts in to a bikini bottom. The second complaint, closely related to the first, is that this is clearly an inside short, and that the aughthor, instead of editing reality for the sake of art, slavishly copied it; and he did so at the expense of comedy, cohesiveness and something else important that begins with the letter c.
04/8/2009 anonymous: Yeah...This turned into one unwieldy sonofagun. Considered submitting as Parts I & II and/or omitting certain grafs that didn't drive the plot forward...like the Kalemeister just couldn't pull the trigger though.
04/9/2009 Jon Matza: Snow: along w more recent malapropisms/mispronunciations you've mocked me for (e.g., Ar-MEGGA-don, pentultimate, lying prostrate) you might be h'amused to know in junior high I thought it was 'cun-NING-u-lus'.
04/9/2009 qualcomm (4): hey, guy, you're going about it all wrong. women aren't impressed by six star meals and william saroyan furniture. all you have to do is listen to what they're saying. just listen.
04/14/2009 Ewan Snow (4.5): Very funny short. Too long, but several LOLs. Matza, I know you may find this difficult to believe, but "mocking" you was the farthest thing from my mind when I was laughing about "Ar-MEGGA-don". It wasn't the fact that you mispronounced it that was funny -- hey, we're all only human -- it was the greatness/aptness of your pronunciation, the apocalypse-as-godzilla angle. So rotate the frown 180, Grady!
04/15/2009 Dylan Danko: Gross.
04/15/2009 Dylan Danko: Also, kudos for naming the wannabes.
07/21/2009 Jon Matza: Dear Acme Community: apologies, but I've decided this short was "too real" (too raw) for certain people to handle...