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Jeffords checked his monogrammed chronograph for the tenth time in an hour. He was at the jumpport, and your POV of him was from below, so that when he looked at his watch, you also saw a jumpcraft enter the artificial troposphere and arc in asymptotically over his head. The Managers had chosen gold for the color of air that "day."

Jeffords inhaled the rich scent of jump fuel and changed his name to Jennings. He stuck a Finity brand marijuana cigarette between his lips, picked up his pressurized valise and headed for the invisible vacuplex.

As he mounted the clear walkway, Jennings suddenly realized that he was omnipotent. Of course. He had been taking the Vibroluct pills for eight "days" now. The thought formed whole in his head, and he knew it to be true. Fast on that came a second realization: he must use his power to destroy all life on earth, starting with these pathetic humans. He took a mental mimeograph of every one of the 7,421 people at the vacuplex. When the time was right, he would levitate them out of the troposphere. After that, they were the Managers’ problem.

The PA system clicked on.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” a sympathetic female voice announced, “Ladies and gentlemen. Help me. I’m trapped in the utility closet. Please help... I smell gasoline…”

She began to sob uncontrollably. Jennings stopped short on the walkway, moved almost to tears himself. He would help her. But how? Dammit, maybe he wasn’t omnipotent after all.

He felt an intense desire to turn around. So intense, in fact, that he knew it must be a volitional implant, and that he was under arrest for the very real and executable crime of overestimating a consumer product.

Date Written: June 27, 2003
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.8889

Comments:
06/27/2003 anonymous (5):
06/27/2003 Will Disney (5): holy crap - just great - way better than ewan's
06/27/2003 Dylan Danko (4): Why is the valise pressurized?
06/27/2003 Mr. Pony (5): So deliciously "meta" I almost pissed my landlord's pants.
06/27/2003 qualcomm (5): funny zimmerman should ask why the pressurized valise. a last-minute-expurgated sentence explains its use. the jumpships travel into outer space. luggage is stored in cargo, which is neither pressurized nor oxygenated. therefore, in order to prevent explosions of any contents under pressure, future luggage will itself be pressurized.
06/28/2003 Benny Maniacs (5): "A brazen, bold, brave, boisterous, beautiful and bonny new direction for Feldspar. The most daring thing done in shorts since roller-ball." -Benjamin Maniacs, The St. Petersberg Sun
07/1/2003 scoop (5): My opinionsphericon has been requisitioned by the Shareholders. Why? That's how we bring it in accounts receivable.
07/16/2003 Dylan Danko (5): After a re-reading i simply must change my vote. Not only splendid but life affirming as well.
08/10/2004 TheBuyer (5): Required reading is right, thank you The Lerpa [currently OSS] and Mr. Pony, your combination short writing and short linking just made my day!
08/13/2004 Great Satan (5): There is so much hot wind coming from this OSS lerpa Feldspar jerk's mouth, I must be blowing into his ass and using him as a whistle. This is one one of my faves, though. 666
01/26/2005 Jon Matza: Which umbrella did a search for "changed his name"?
01/26/2005 qualcomm: i did, because i used a similar name-changing joke in my tourney short, and was responding to a question from slocum about what's the deal with those name changing jokes.