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Pony’s Soliloquy
(To be recited whilst wearing rollerskates, sparkly cape, welding goggles and jockey’s cap)

“Time and tide wait for no man.

“No sir I’m just kidding!!! In point of fact they wait for two dudes, namely my dad and Davido Duran.

“Consequently my dad and Davido have plenty of time to do all the things they enjoy such as taking alone time for errands such as buying a ladder or some apples prior to going to work. As for making tides wait they can do it too, that is make the waves stop short if need be to walk along the shore, like say they’re in their gym socks and don’t feel like getting ‘em soaking wet (squelch much)? Because they had forgotten to bring flipflops?

“Anyhow I don’t know Davido personally but my Dad met him at Whole Foods and they were each like “Wait, no way, time and tide waits for you too? Yes way!” Not to mention they are both half bald and they were both getting everything bagels so it was like déjà vu cubed!

“But aside from Dad and Davido I don’t know of other men it applies to. Like if you were gonna say Moses OK true he made the tide wait (what with the Red Sea parten) but it doesn’t say he could halt time too like they did in X-Men, least not according to my Torah portion that I recited @ Temple Waikiki (for I am ½ Hebraic for those who don’t know me) around approximately the time I became a sexual man @ 13 yrs of age and received my pubic hair.

“Actually if you think about it honestly the guy with the magic stopwatch in twilight zone could’ve totally made time and tide wait if he wanted to, like say he was at the beach and clicked it, because then time would’ve froze and the waves would’ve too (though still in liquid format as opposed to icebergs) and he could’ve kept walking around and been like, “wow, I can snag this lady’s tits under the bikini, feel her tits big-time, then click it and go back to normal and she’ll be none the wiser, long as I remembered to replace her bikini if it had become crooked.”

(Admit it: that’s what we would’ve ALL done, snagged her tits under her bikini and pulled them and then probably snagged her beaver while we were at it! WHOOMP!!!! (I wonder if that counts as rape though, but without her knowing?!?))

Another question is, once he was like “click, time in” would she know someone’s hands had been yorking on her tits and pussy? I mean would the guy’s hand impression still be there even though only zero seconds had ellapsed technically? As I am not in biophysics professionally I am not 100% certain but if it was me I’d wait until appx 120+ feet away before reclicking just in case so she wouldn’t know who was the culprat! Also I’d use gloves, cause what if she complains to the lifeguard and they wind up fingerprinting her tits or scanning them with heat sensers??”

Date Written: July 18, 2009
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 4.75